I have found my inner bitch...and ran with her.
Bitch. Yeah I said it, or rather, wrote it. I am not ashamed of it either. As is quoted above, I have found my inner bitch, not that hard really, she isn't quiet for long. I refuse to quiet her, stick in some corner of my soul and tell her to behave. Nope. She is the side of me that is the strongest, the smartest and the one in complete control of herself. She values her judgement, makes her place in this world, and will never back down from anything. She stands tall, takes life by the balls and says, we have done it your way, now we do it mine. She is outspoken, intelligent and never allows herself to get pushed around. She stands tall and will hold anyone's gaze, because she can, because she is who she is and she doesn't care what anyone thinks about her.
We all have an inner bitch. We have just been taught that its not "lady like" to let her out. That by playing the passive, demure, quiet woman, is what is expected. Well, I have never really been quiet, sure as hell never been demure and passive, aww hell no. But it takes it toll, seriously. People like to try and make me feel bad, that standing up for what I believe in, going after what I want or taking a stand about something, is a bad thing. They call me a troublemaker, try to put me in my "place". Thing is, everyone in my life knows where I stand, that I am always there when they need me, and if something is wrong, I can be a force of nature. And I am so ok with that.
Do you have a moment in your life that you look back on and wish that you had stood your ground, stood up for yourself when no one else would? Sure, we all do, me included. Do you ask yourself, why you didn't? Why did you not trust your own voice, your own strength, you own place in this world. Why did you silence your inner bitch? Consequences, the subsequent fall out of standing firm, of putting someone in their place? This I understand, but I also understand that if something is worth fighting for, that it is all worth it. I know the first time for alot of women is the hardest. We want people to like us, often times at the expense of ourselves. But it doesn't have to be like that. I don't care if people like me, but they have to respect me. I know that some people in this world for not good reason other then because they can, will not like me. I am ok with that, chances are I wouldn't like them either. But this does not give them the right to disrespect me. Same goes for you, you must command respect, demand respect.
You can not control how the world sees you, you can however, control how you react to it. Never fear your own voice, because sometimes in life that voice is the only one that will stand up for you. Never allow anyone to belittle, demean, torment or put you in your place. You all have it in you. I know it can be scary at first, you will take some heat and be temped to run or shut her down again. But it will get easier, like the saying goes.. practice makes perfect. I am always around for pointers too.
Being a bitch isn't a bad thing. Being a bitch means you have decided to become totally in control of yourself and your life. It means that you are no longer a pushover, no longer a doormat, no longer that sweet controllable woman. The woman that allows herself to be used, lied to and put down, no longer exists. Command respect, stand up for yourself, because it is time..
It is time to release your inner bitch.
I will not be known in this life for my body, well except for my boobs
they are pretty popular. What I will be known for, is my mind
and what I do and the lives that I can touch.
The outside is just window dressing
Lately I have been spending time with this group of women. Ranging in age from 27 to 50(something). Each one of these women come to this group from a completely different walk of life, background and location. Each one spectacular in their own way, there are teachers, writers, horse trainers, stay at home moms, dentists and more. These women over the past month have become my sounding board, my encouragement and my constant source of humor, ohh hell they make me laugh. They are supportive, generous, and simply amazing women. It is probably the most improbable group of women to come together.. But it works. Each one of them has a story and lessons they can teach the others, they are so open its refreshing. Each one brings something different to the table. And I love them for it.
Last week the subject of wanting to lose weight came up. One of these ladies, made a comment that she was going to use us, to help her lose weight and stop eating badly. She planned to announce her weight and we were to talk her out of bad eating choices. Actually not a bad idea, kinda of the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other side. We would be the angels, as I type that I laugh as we are all so far from angels. But what happened after she came forward with this, kinda of stopped me in my tracks. Every one of the women, came forward with something about their appearance they wanted to change, fix, lose, tighten, etc. Not one, said I'm ok with me. Now I know we all have things about ourselves we want to change, and getting healthier is an awesome goal. But is not one person happy with themselves as is? These women are beautiful, successful, loving and funny. However each one came forward to announce their flaws. I admit, I did too. Though not at first, at first I just observed. The thought occurred to me, instead of being our own best friend, somewhere along the lines we had become our own worst enemies. Me included, hell if anyone outside of myself said the things I say in my mind, I would bitchslap them into next week, I accept no disrespect. But yet, I disrespect myself on a daily basis, by wishing I were thinner, prettier, better some how. It seems to be a common belief that one must be thin to have value. That the numbers on a scale determines one's worth. That when someone is not a size 2, that he or she is worthless. Not only from society's point of view, but our own. We seek some level of perfection that is set by others. We step on scales, look in mirrors and degrade ourselves.
I know in this lifetime, I will never, ever be known for my body, (well except my boobs, they are pretty popular), What I will be known for, is my mind, hopefully my writing and the lives that I touch. I will be known for who I am, the real me. The outside is just window dressing.
Next time you look in a mirror, look into your eyes, this is your true reflection.
Rock bottom is good solid ground, and a dead end street
is just a place to turn around
Rock bottom. To me, Rock Bottom was a starting point. Solid ground in which to begin to build the foundation of my life. If you are lucky, that foundation is built when you are a child. But if you are like me, the foundation of my childhood had so many cracks in it, I needed to rebuild it. When one bottoms out in life, it is not the end of the world. Though at the time, it sure as hell feels like it. But there is truth in the saying that the only way you have to go from the very bottom is up. You have to want it though, you have to want to start rebuilding a solid foundation first, in which to place the rest of your life on. That foundation is your soul. You must make it solid and strong and plant it firmly on the ground. But its construction is completely up to you, where you build it, how you build it and how fast. All hitting rock bottom is, is giving you solid ground in which to build.
I spent a few hours talking with a girl last night that had hit rock bottom, she wanted to die. She was tired of the constant struggle, the finding her place in this world, to wanting to feel peace. She was hundreds of miles away from me, someone I have never met, yet I felt her struggle as if she were in the room with me. Knowing that as hard as I tried, as much as I could give, the only one that could lay the first brick of a new foundation on which to build her life was her. I could be there, I could lend my shoulder, my ear and my heart, but I couldn't do it for her. What I tried to show her, was that she mattered. All day I have thought about it. Rock bottom hurts like hell when you hit it, you are disoriented, ashamed, sad and scared. You look around and see nothing. You panic and you fret and you often just want to lay your head down and say, no more. I am tired. But it is in these moments, the darkest ones of your life, that a spark is born. You plant you feet and get your bearings. You get fired up and you fight. You fight for yourself.
Your life may be upside down, but all that is doing is giving you a new perspective. A fresh new start, fresh new chapter. You control it completely. You grab life by the balls and say.. Now we do it my way. And then you do. One brick at a time, you lay your new foundation and you build. Slow, steady and the way you want it. You learn to value yourself and what you contribute to your world. You do what you have to do, to first survive, then get strong and then happy. Proud of the fact that even at your worst, you never totally gave up on yourself.
Even when it feels like the world has given up, that the bottom is speeding up at you.. Just remember what I told you, Rock Bottom is good solid ground. A solid start to what will become your life, as you make it. Kick some ass ♥
Not of my flesh and blood, nor bone of my bone, but you are still miraculously
my own. I have never forgotten for a single minute, that while you didn't
grow under my heart, you grew in it.
I always said from the time I was old enough to have such thoughts, that I was never going to get married, never have children, never going to settle down. I was going to travel the world, move to Boston and write. I was going to live my life through characters in books and through articles for the Boston Globe. I would have occasional boyfriends, but no one was ever going to get my heart. Seriously though, from as early as I can remember this was my dream. People at arm's length and never close enough to hurt me. Vulnerable was not a word in my life's dictionary. Until that Spring in 2004, when I met the man I was to call husband and his son. My heart never stood a chance. All the best laid plans, all the walls that I had so artfully constructed, fell apart. Almost in an instance, though I fought it for awhile. Who were these 2 people that wanted to invaded my life, my very solitary life? I was 26 and very comfortable on my own. Independent, strong and definitely not looking.
Once I finally stopped fighting it, and began what would be my life from then on, meeting the guy's son for the first time, should have been awkward at least. But nope, not ever for a second. From the moment he and I first laid eyes on each other, and had our "sword" fight, him with his crutches (he had broken his leg) and me with a plastic sword from the fair we were at, were immediate best of friends. Our bond was instantaneous, and would only grow stronger. He was 5, I was 26. I was well on my way to jaded, coffee drinker writer that spent time in coffee houses and at my desk creating lives for my characters. Instead because of them, I became a character, in my own life. I never thought I would ever be a wife, let alone a mother. To say I was a bit lost would be an understatement. But a year later, the man proposed and 4 months after that, we married. The during the ceremony I presented the kid with a family medallion, a small silver pendant with 3 interlocking circles, representing that I was not only marrying his father, but him too. That we were a family, a strong family. And that while I would never be his "mother", I swore that he would always be my son. That while he may not have grown under my heart, he grew in it. Our bond is that of a mother and a son, except, we are friends first. We talk about everything and anything, we plan for the future, we laugh, we have fun. We became a family.
Needless to say that while our lives meshed seamlessly, it wasn't the case with his mother. I have made it clear from the beginning, that I never wanted to replace her, be her or take over. That the kid and I were the best of friends first and foremost. That while I have come to feel him a son, that I know I am not his mother. Her jealously at the beginning was expected, and I rolled with it. Thinking that over time it would lessen and she would see it for what it was. It hasn't, actually has gotten worse over the years, but I refuse to ever let it shadow what he and I have. This kid is so special, so intuitive, so creative, so mischievous and has best damn giggle . I will not allow her negativity into our relationship. Never had I spoken negative to him about her, she is his mother and I respect that. But seriously the shit she has pulled over the years I think to ultimately try and drive me away, has made me shake my head. My wish is that someday she will just get over it and understand. Of course knowing now what I didn't know then, probably will never happen. She really isn't a nice person, actually not really at all. She lives in a world of make believe and her selfishness continues to surprise me.
However, because of the love I have for the kid, I will take it from her. He deserves all the love and things that this life has to offer. The man and I intend for him to have it. Love, strength, boundaries and knowledge. A solid base for the kid to build upon and become a man. He turned 13 recently, and while he may have his teenager moments already, he will never lose that charm, that devilish grin and eyes that will make your heart melt. He is truly a magical kid and I am so fortunate that The Man and The Kid decided to invade my life. Looking back now, this morning, I can't imagine my life turning out any other way. I have to say that I am excited to see the man that my stepson will grow to be. His heart and his innate want to help others is tremendous. He sees the world very similar to me, as a chance to reach out to people less fortunate or sad or in need. Just as not long ago, he pulled together some of his toys because he wanted to give them to some children that had lost all of theirs. Or how excited he gets to volunteer with me for The Buddy Walk for Down Syndrome, and how his teachers say that he always stands up for the special kids at school, befriends them and treats them as he treats everyone, without judgement. I am proud to call him son, though not of my flesh and bone, but of my heart. ♥
Have faith in your dreams and someday, your rainbow will come shining through.
No matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep believing,
the dream that you wish will come true. - Cinderella
The older I get the more I realize through all the dark times that can happen, they are never permenate. They will eventually fade, and it is up to me to determine what is left behind after its over. It would be so easy to just shut down and coast... but that is no way to live. Got to keep believing in something..the best thing is always to believe in yourself.
I wonder sometimes why this is so hard. Why believing in oneself at times is almost impossible. Why are we our own worst enemy? If we can't believe in ourselves, have faith in our abilities, understand our strengths, then how can we expect anyone else to? Why is it that we feel the need to have the world validate us? The only opinion in this world that we really need to be concerned about, is our own. When we are sad, grieving, lost, it is not the world's responsibility to find us, fix us or heal us. It is totally on us. When did we lose faith in ourselves? I hear people say all the time, "when I am stronger" "when I am happy" "when I finish grieving", then I will live again. They shut down and coast through life, they make a life while never actually living it. They place their dreams, hopes and desires in a box and put it in the closet. Coasting becomes habit, habit becomes character and character becomes their life. I am guilty of this, myself. Tired of life blows as I call them, I just stopped at some point. I put my dreams and belief of myself in a box and called it good. I was too bruised, to jaded, to tired. This worked for me for awhile, until it just didn't work for me any more. I started my writing again, started believing in myself and taking my life back. Life can throw me body blow after body blow, and I will take it head on, deal with it and then move on. Nothing will knock you down forever, only thing that keeps you there is yourself. You are responsible. While you can not control others, their actions, their issues or their lives. You can totally control your RE-actions to it. What are your dreams? What do you want for you, RIGHT NOW? Write it down, make a to do list. Yep a To Do List. A To Do For YOU List. Then start crossing things off, baby steps at first, but the more you believe in yourself, the better you will do. Like Cinderella says; Have faith in your dreams and someday, your rainbow will come shining through. Stop waiting for the world to validate you, You validate yourself.