"Sometimes life doesn't give you a choice. Sometimes it takes all control
                                    from your hands and says, "Hang On-Ready or not".
                           You either roll with it or you break, that is your only choice."
                                                                                                                                                                                                ~J.Manning
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Sometimes in life, you have no control. Gasp! Really? Forces outside of yourself, bigger than you, collide and take the reins and leave you standing there. Breathless. Confused. Lost.  Bewildered is a good word.  Walking along your road of life when you come around a bend and -BAM! A crossroad. Not one that you had planned on, walked towards or even knew was there. You stop, confused. You look around and suddenly realization dawns. You have no idea how you got here, have no idea which road you will be forced to take and you have absolutely no control or say in which direction you will go. You have relinquished control without meaning to, wanting to or even knowing.  Allowed only a glimpse of each path before you, you have no idea where they lead, how long they go and who you will need along the way.  Darkness surrounds you, fog swirls in and you feel completely in the dark. Scared. Turning around and going back is never an option. Not going forward isn't either. You will have to face what is in front of you, one way or the other. Denial isn't your nature and not even a possibility. What is going to come, will come. The only choice in the matter that you have left is, how will you handle it.

One goes through stages when faced with a situation that you have no control over. Fear. Denial. Anger. Sadness. Finally, acceptance. If you are like me, accepting a loss of control over a situation that directly impacts my life is beyond difficult. I react, I handle, I take care of. I move mountains if I must. I face things and stare them down. I am strong, I am in control of my own life. Right?  Well yeah, sure. But only until I am not. When life decides a curve ball in is order and I am in whether or I want in or not.  It is coming up to my crossroad and knowing that I am either going to get the road on the left or the road on the right. I know which one I want. I also know I have zero say in the matter. 

I have a few days before I find out which road will be mine. I will use these days to learn some more about myself. I will prepare for both roads. I will go inside myself and I will handle what I can. I will try different perspectives and I will firm up my strength. I will play the hand that I am dealt, and I will win. Because while I have no control over which road I will be given, I have complete control over how I begin. I know that I will face whatever comes with my usual strength and determination. I will walk either road with humor and with love. I will handle it. Because that is the only option really. Handle it. Face it. Deal with it. Play the hand you are dealt and play it well. Who cares if it is a shitty hand. It is your hand. How you play it will determine how you take a situation that is out of your control and live it. You may not want to, you may be scared and feel very isolated. But you play it. Folding is not an option. You find your strength, you square your shoulders and you handle it. 

When you come upon a crossroad in life that is not of your choosing. That is completely out of your control. Accept it. Use your fear to propel you forward and your strength to see you through. You can handle everything and anything life throws at you. You never lose control of that. Your reactions and your determination will see you through. Never doubt that for a minute. You may not be able to control that life gives you, but you will always be in control of how you face it, handle it and get through it. 

Have you ever felt some times in your life, that the world must be spinning a little bit faster or time had some how sped up? That things in life were going a little too fast, was too much and all at the same time? A period in life where you just couldn't seem to catch your breath? It seems lately, my "To Do" list keeps growing, my calendar keeps filling up and if one more crisis arises I may start wearing a cape and pretending I am Super Jenn. So many places to get to, things to accomplish, cleaning to do and work and laundry and..and..and I'm tired.  I was driving home from work today and running through everything I have to get to, get done and remember this week. From work stuff to home stuff, to appointments, games and commitments. Honestly it made me even more tired just thinking about it. It also does not leave me much brain power or energy for my writing, my page and myself. Don't get me wrong, I love my life. I love my job, my family and my friends. I just wish that life came with a pause button. I don't want a rewind button, sure as hell do not need a fast forward button - just simply a pause button. It stop the spinning, the running, the constant doing and catch my breath.

Even as I sit here in a stolen moment and write this, I have to really stop my thoughts and focus. I can think of no less than a dozen things that need doing. But they can wait, or at least that is what I am telling that little voice inside my head. For right now, for this moment, I am stealing Jenn time. The dishes can wait, the vacuuming and the bills. I do not have to be any where for a few minutes. I am creating my own pause button. Sitting on my deck, at home in the woods and I am content. I feel like I may have pulled one over on the clock, the "To Do" list and it feels pretty amazing.

When I got home I sat for a few minutes. I shut off my brain and simply listened to the wind in the trees, the birds chirping and some angry turkeys somewhere. When those voices started to creep in saying you should be, have to be and get going already, I silenced them. It was in this quiet stolen moment when I had an epiphany. I can only do so much in one day, in one hour. There is no crime in stolen moments to catch my breath.  It is the same for you. We have to learn to create our own pause buttons. To put  aside the stresses of everyday life, the chores and just simply; be. It is far too easy to keep running and running til you drop from exhaustion. Or make ourselves sick because we are trying to be everywhere at the same time. We can only do - what can we do. We can move mountains with our will, balance babies on one hip and make dinner at the same time. We can care for our families, work full time jobs and handle everything. Of this I have no doubt. If we can do all of this and more, than we sure as hell can make our own pause button.  We have to. Call it stolen moments, call it me time, call it whatever you want, but make it happen. 

Life is what it is. You can either go through life at mach 10, constantly doing, and miss things. Or you can learn to create your own pause button. Stop. Catch your breath. Focus on you and than, carry on.  

I am off now to simply be for a few more moments. I have a date with reality soon and I hate to keep it waiting....

                                 I do not ask to walk smooth paths nor bear an easy load.
                           I pray for strength and fortitude to climb the rock strewn road.
                             Give me such courage and I can scale the hardest peaks alone,
                               And transform every stumbling block into a stepping stone.
                                                                                                                                                                 ~Gale Brook Burket 


Do not wish for an easier life, wish instead to be a stronger person. I love and hate this quote at the same time. Why would I not, while making my way through life's rock strewn roads, wish for an easier life? Would make me human after all, wouldn't it? Who wants struggles and challenges day in and day out?  Who wants constant stress, worry and exhaustion? Life may be what we make of it, but when situations and problems arise, completely out of your control, what are you supposed to do? Walk away? I have been tempted over the years, but am not that girl. I turn, square my shoulders and say, "bring it on". In all seriousness though, when I said; bring it on, I didn't mean...and on and on and on.

On Friday I asked my Regulars on my Facebook page; "In what way are you better off today than you were 5 years ago?'  The answers honestly left me speechless and very contemplative. Such strong life moves by women leaving abusive relationships, quitting drinking, adopting and having children. I was proud that these people were a part of my world, inspirations all of them.  I thought over my past 5 years, quite frankly just the fact that I have made it through them is what I am most proud of. I know myself better, have a bit different perspective on a lot of things and yet feel more scarred by them, then healed.  Probably a bit more jaded if that is even possible, definitely more tired and yet optimistic at the same time. Each stumbling block has turned into a stepping stone, it had to. Otherwise I would still be face planted wondering what the hell was going to knock me down next. 

Life is what we make of it. Our passed and current struggles, problems and stumbling blocks are really only a part of it. A large part at times granted, but just a part after all. Everything we have faced, continue to face, are strengths that we are acquiring through it all. Battle scars and life knowledge give us confidence in ourselves that we can handle anything life decides to throw at us, even when we are exhausted and beat up. We have to continue on, because we only get this one life. We cannot allow our fears, our moments of weakness determine our fate.  We have to find that courage that got us to this point and rely on that to get us to the next. We never know what is right around the corner for us and yet we need to make that corner, because just around it, good or bad; is our life.   Even though you are tired and scared, you have to make that turn, pulling strength and fortitude from inside yourself.  Its ok to admit fear, just do not be controlled by it. Life is scary. The unknown is scary. New beginnings, new chapters in your life, fresh obstacles in your path will be handled. Because you can, because you are strong enough and because it is in you to see everything life gives to you through. 

Never stop wishing for an easier life, but never stop praying for strength, courage and fortitude either. No one said life was supposed to be easy, they just said it would be worth it. Take your triumphs and moments of happiness and hold them close. Use them as catalysis to get you through the dark moments.  Always remember they are but moments, use them as stepping stones to the next chapter of your life. 

                            He felt now that he was not simply close to her, but that he
                                         did not know where he ended and she began. 
                                                                                                                                                   ~Leo Tolstoy 


Normally I am not a sappy type of woman. I despise romance novels, the Twilight saga and anything that remotely smacks of  the cutesy, gooey or overly sentimental. I am not into chick flicks, and for the most part avoid anything to "girly" for lack of a better word. For the longest time, I avoided everything to had anything to do with love. I had reality and in reality, what I saw was what I got and I was OK with that. There were no feelings, not wanting and no chance I was going to get hurt. I had walls 12 feet thick with steel re-bar in the middle and no door. OK, maybe not literally, but my defenses were solid. Until they weren't, not when this man came waltzing through them, like they were air and he was in my life, like I wanted him there. Which I didn't. Not at first. 

A friend of mine asked me last week, what is true love? I bit back the sarcastic reply that was quick on my lips, and actually thought about it. I looked at that guy that had waltzed into my life and never left. Its been 8 years and we haven't missed a beat. I looked at him and saw, well I saw a whole lot. I saw my past and my future, my beginning and my end. I saw 2 halves and one complete whole. I saw happy and sad, strength and weakness and I saw, love. Real love. It is knowing, without knowing, it is that fit, the melding of souls that can't be seen only felt. It is the feeling of a part of your soul becoming whole as it seamlessly fits with another. It is not work, there is no effort... it simple happens on a karmic level. It is the feeling of coming home, of finding some part of yourself that you didn't even realize it was missing until you find it. There is no question, there is no doubt. True real love simply, is. You hear it in a sigh, you see it in a gaze, you sense it while in its presence. Like air, it just simply is. It is the feeling of being whole. 

Real love isn't work. There is no thought process that goes into it. It is either there, or it isn't. You can't force it, hide it or deny it. If you walk away from it, you will leave that piece of you behind. You don't find it, it finds you. Once you experience it, you never really question it, because it just is.  I look at my husband now and sometimes it is hard to tell where I end and he begins. We are 2 distinctly different people, that form a whole that is as solid as the ground I walk upon. I don't doubt it, I am not scared of it. What I am, is in awe of it. 

Never settle for less than you deserve.  Not to sound trite here, but the quote, "Life's not the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away" is about perfect. Relationships require work, love not so much. If you have to work at it, work at making someone love you, than its probably not the real thing. It should be effortless and smooth. 

And that is about as sappy as I will ever get.. I am a lucky girl and found the need to share tonight. Never, ever settle for less than you deserve and for less than that perfect moment, that lasts a lifetime and takes your breath away. ♥

               The true hypocrite is the one who ceases to perceive her deception, 
                                               the one who lies with sincerity                                                                                                                       
                                                                                                                                        ~Andre Gide 

Hypocrites. You all know at least one. The person who shows one personality, one face to the world, yet behind close doors are a completely different human being. That acts all Polly Anna in public, but in truth is so far from that public persona it is ridiculous. The coworker that acts all industrious when the bosses are around, then gives you their work to finish when they are gone. The mother who claims to have her children's best interest at heart and is so involved in their lives, when in truth she is to busy taking care of herself that she really just can't be bothered. The storybook family that all envy when they meet them, that hide more skeletons behind the walls of their home then you could imagine.  At least with criminals you see the bad they have done, but with hypocrites, they lie and they manipulate losing all sense of whatever integrity they may have had at some point. So important to them, public appearance, public perception, that they will do or say anything to get you to believe them. It drives me crazy. 

People who manipulate, people who lie, people who pretend to be someone they are not, are on my very short list of people to avoid. I have no place in my life for them. I don't care about anything other than the type of person you are. I could care less about how much money you have, what you drive, who you know. It is all about who you are as a person, for real. Not the phony front that they put up to appear to be something they are not. I have been around long enough, to see right through it. What gets to me is the damage they do. It is one thing to lie to yourself if you can't face a certain truth about yourself, but to take that and morph yourself into something you are not, to the point that they actually believe it, just to look "good" in the public eye? Nah, just doesn't make sense to me.  I like when  people, are the "what you see is what you get types". This is me, the good the bad and the ugly. I know I am not perfect, but I also know that you can go into any facet of my life and it will not change. I am who I am. I know I can be outspoken, at times judgmental and really sarcastic, but I am also, giving and loving and good person. People in my life know where I stand at all times. But that is me.  I do not need to lie to myself or to the world in order to get people to like me. Not like some people in this world and it really drives me crazy. Can you tell? 

I say the words; This is your life..Own It! All the time. I really mean it too, own it. If you are open and loving and good person, then be that person. If you are selfish and only concerned about what you want, how you feel and not about anybody else, then fine, be that person all the time. But don't pretend to be something you are not. Be who you are, all the time. And expect that from the people in your life. No more Jekyll and Hyde types allowed in your world, or mine.  Only accept those that are real, that are true and allow them to be who they are. Not everyone in this world is good, and that is the way of the world. Let them be as they are, see them for what they are and either make the decision to accept it, look past it or walk away from it.

People are very inclined to set moral standards for others, but often disinclined to set them for themselves. Never trust the one who's deeds and who's talk do not match, trust your gut and know that while you will never change them, you do not have to be changed by them either.  Be who you are, the good and the bad all the time, and only allow those into your life that are the same way. Learn to see people as they really are and not as they would have you believe.  The hypocrite's life is a lonely existence, and only when they truly see themselves as for what they are, will they ever change.