There has to come a time in your life when you make peace with something
that you will never be able to explain nor understand. When you feel
the broken pieces inside you come together. Not in the same
form as before it was broken. But a new form.
A new piece to your soul that you carry on with.
I have had a memory montage playing in my head today. Off and on at random times. Stills flashing one right after another. All starring my mom. Some of the images have a sepia color to them, an aged appearance. Memories from long ago. Some are newer, fresher. Some of them have accompanying audio. Flashes of conversations had, music and laughter. I focus today on that, the laughter. The silliness. The jokes. The happy.
There are 2 particularly prominent montages. In both of them she has the same expression on her face. A twinkle in her eye and the appearance of completeness.
I am sitting on the front porch of our house. It sometime in the late nineties. The sun is shinning and there are big poofy white clouds in the sky. The colors of the surrounding trees a rich green. The lawn lush and full. I hear the deep guttural sound of a motorcycle off in the distance. As the sound gets louder I look down the street. Motorcycles were not really common in our neighborhood. I look at this bike as it comes closer and I am stunned. It is my mother. On a motorcycle! By herself. I find myself rooted to the ground as I stare in wonder. Not so much at the fact of her riding the bike. But simply the expression on her face. Gone were the worry lines. Gone was the sadness. Her eyes lost that haunted look and were shinning. She was smiling- really smiling. For the first time in my memory she looked free. The pride she had in that moment. The strength and the happy, will forever been burned into my memory. She had found something in life finally that have given it to her. The freedom she had longed for. She rode that bike like she had been doing it for years. Each time with that same expression. When she rode, her mind cleared. It was her, the bike and the open road. It settled her. It made her happy. For a brief moment in time she held on to that.
The second memory comes a few years later. The time with the bike had abruptly come to an end. She no longer wanted it. She suddenly decided to sell it. The period that followed was a long one for her. Back was the haunted look, the smile that never really reached her eyes. Until one day she decided to buy a new car. She was spontaneous at times. Suddenly getting an idea in her head and jumping on it. I will never forget this day either. She went off and traded in her SUV. She came home that day with a brand new, fuchsia Mustang convertible. She had that same expression on her face. Looking back now I understand it more. Both the motorcycle and the convertible gave her the one thing in life she needed most. Freedom. Wind in your hair, speeding down the road with no destination in sight and no where to be. She would turn the music up loud, turn her mind down and just drive. Her face would clear, worry lines fade and she would smile. Really smile. Though it never lasted. For a brief moment in time she was happy.
Today I do not want to focus on the fact that she is gone. I don't want to feel the sadness, nor the anger. I do not want to focus on anything but the good. The singing made up lyrics to songs as we drove around in that convertible. Banging on closed doors as we went by to illicit a scream of surprise followed by uncontrollable laughter. How she called me kid even when I was well beyond. How she found peace on her riding lawn mower of all places. How she was to strangers she met and the random acts of kindness she would do. How when she was working at the Maine Gift store we had for years, she would hide little trinkets in a customers bag that was having a hard day. Today I want to remember her with that look she had on her face the day she came home on her motorcycle. Happy. Content. Free. So alive. I want to remember the laughter. For today I want to lock away the memories of her illness. I want the memory montages to be of happy times. I want to feel the warmth of those times.
Had my mom made the decision to live, she would be 58 today. Though impossible to send her birthday wishes. I still find myself sitting on my deck, faced turned to the sun and sending her wishes of peace. Of freedom. I wish with everything I have that she is now content. Though no longer of this world, she will always be of us. In our memories. In our lives and in our hearts. For today, this is what I hold on to. Maybe as a birthday gift to her, it is what I will hold on to forevermore.
There has to come a time in your life when you make peace with something that you will never be able to explain nor understand. When you feel the broken pieces inside you come together. Not in the same form as before it was broken. But a new form. A new piece to your soul you carry on with. Maybe today that is what I give her for her birthday. I scatter all the broken pieces around. Pick and chose the ones that mean the most. Create a new piece that fits into the hole she left. Choosing pieces of memories that show her at her best. Put the pieces together and make sense out of something that on its own never will.
This will be my birthday present to her. A patchwork of memories that lives inside my soul. That will always be a part of me. Filing that hole she left with love, humor and a part of her soul. It feels peaceful to me when I look up at the sky now. The sun shines alittle brighter.
I make a silent birthday wish to her, a secret whisper.
Sometimes life is messy. It knocks you down, breaks your heart and
kicks you around for good measure. This is when you just gotta
get your big girl panties on and deal with it.
Did you know that it is ok to get mad? That it is ok to get frustrated, sad, and lonely? That there will be days in your lifetime that you just won't be able to find your happy? Has anyone ever told you that this is OK? Most when they get tired and frustrated tell themselves to "shake it off" "get over it". Or even worse..someone else tells them to "Just get over it". They deny these very pressing feelings because they don't think they should allow them room in their day. A lot of people simply press these feelings down inside and bury them. In reality all this does is cause them to build up and fester. By not dealing with them and letting them out at the time, all you are doing is making things worse in the long run. Denying them does not make them disappear. You can slap a smile on your face and even convince others you are happy. But you know. Somewhere inside you realizes that in truth you are anything but. There is a phrase that makes me cringe every time I read it. "Fake it til you make it". As if you can fake happiness. Why in the world would you even want to? Wouldn't you rather pull those feelings you have been denying out, face them and deal with them AND then get on to the business of loving life.
Sometimes life is messy. It knocks you down, breaks your heart and kicks you around for good measure. By not allowing yourself time to get your mad on, your sad on or your "holy hell I hate the world" on, you will never get past it. It is like dressing it up, putting some cover up on it and hoping to fool not only the world, but yourself. It just doesn't work. Well, maybe for a time. But there will be something that triggers you and probably the smallest thing ever. But something will trigger you and you will no longer be able to control it. Your negative will then control you. Honestly, it will probably be 100 times harder to deal with later on. If you allow all the "crap" to percolate and to grow, it always seems to get 300% worse than it was initially. By not allowing these emotions to flow out of you, giving them the time they deserve. You are in essence giving them control over your mind and your soul. Even if you tell yourself you are happy! You can't fake yourself out forever. And it will probably be the poor kid that screwed up your coffee order that will get your wrath.
I am just jaded enough not to trust someone who is happy all the time. Who radiates sunshine and smiles where ever they go. These are usually the ones I really worry about. The truth of the matter is sometimes life can be a bitch. Thing is, you can be a bitch right back. This is OK! Gasp! There I said it. It is in writing. If you are feeling frustrated, angry and overwhelmed or sad. Deal with it! Right then. Or as soon as you can get sometime to yourself. Get it out of you as fast as you can. Put on your big girl (or boy) panties and face it. Give yourself time to be anything but happy. Just don't let it consume you. In reality, denying them as valid, not giving yourself permission to let them flow out of you. They will consume you. They will force themselves out whether you want them to or not. You retain all ultimate control over them as long as you deal with them and let it happen. If you keep pushing them down inside you, to some back corner of "you". You relinquish all control and hand the reins over. Whether you even realize it or not.
Thing is, there are probably some very valid reasons why you have got your sad on, your mad on, your frustrated on in the first place. Something or someone has caused this to happen. Chances are these emotions have built up and built up over time. Most days it takes alot to make me angry or mad. Granted there are certain triggers, people mostly, that can make me go zero to bitch mode really quickly. But I have learned to just let these emotions happen. They end on their own. I either walk it off, think about it some or occasionally I will write about it. Anything to get it out of me. I don't have time for it. Some days I get sad. Revelation? No, not really. Everyone does. Maybe something will trigger a memory of a time past, loved one lost or a life event will happen and make me sad. I let it. There are good positive emotions and there are not so positive emotions. Each needs room in your world for a time. You will be surprised how free you feel if you just let them roll.
I know its not PC to tell you that its ok to get mad or sad or whatever. But it is reality. Some days there will be something that really gets to you. Don't deny yourself this. Identify what made you feel this way. Let your mind flow. Understand yourself and figure out why you reacted the way you did. Or if it is a situation that consistently happens or something that keeps rearing it's ugly head. This is life trying to tell you it is something you HAVE GOT to deal with. Stop denying yourself the release.
Think about it. Break it down. Put on those big girl panties and deal with it. Then and only then, let it go. Be free of it. Then go back and get your happy on :)
Sometimes in life the only response is a facepalm.
For some things there are just no words.
We have all had this experience. For some of us it is a daily occurrence. That moment in your day when you are forced to deal with a situation or person and you find yourself totally and completely without words. They open their mouth to speak, do something so ignorant; that the only proper response is a facepalm. Usually a facepalm is accompanied by a slight shaking of the head and a closing of the eyes. A brief respite in time when one hopes that when one opens their eyes the cause of said facepalm has either disappeared or magically became intelligent. Never works.
Words are my thing. Snappy comebacks and sarcastic retorts, second nature. But there are days when even I am at a loss. It tends to be the same people over and over again that force me to introduce my palm to my face. Occasionally a stranger or someone I come across in my day with elicit one. But it is normally the usual suspects. People that make me want to shout at the top of my lungs-"Realllllly?" Followed by the urge to ask them how they survive the day. Snarky. I know. But some people seriously bring it out. I feel like you are reading this and laughing. You have a face palmer too, don't ya?
These people consistently make my days seem to last so much longer. They make my head hurt. I question how they made it this far. Normally the type of person that causes a facepalm tends to view themselves as intelligent, witty and well.. right. All the time. They concoct ideas, views and arguments. They get in your face and tell you all the reasons that they are right. You look at them, cock your head sideways and think to yourself.. I hear sounds coming out of your mouth but I think you sound like the teacher from Charlie Brown.. WaaawaaaWaaWaaa Waa.. is all I hear. They walk away and you are forced to do it. Face meet palm.
If you are lucky you can find humor in these situations. I know some people that make me facepalm all the time. One in particular. There is no humor there. Well sometimes I will laugh at this particular person. I am actually afraid to open my mouth. (Sometimes that brain to mouth filter of mine doesn't work so well.) I often want to call out the cause of my facepalm. But figure it's a waste of words, of breath and well thought processes.
May you get through the rest of your week without having to introduce your face to your palm. I know. I know. Wishful thinking. But shake your head and find the humor in it.
What does the world you want to live in look like? ~Sue FitzmauriceI am always writing in my head. Some times these thoughts make it here, sometimes they end up scribbled on a note pad. Sometimes I will see something, experience something or read something that strikes right at my Muse and shakes her up a bit. I love questions that make me think. The above quote is from the creator of Trying God's Patience, an inspirational Facebook page. She is also a published author, mentor and friend. I have come to value her insights, her poignant remarks and tough attitude. I love that she makes me think, she makes me mad and she makes me want to be better. I love that she challenges me and does not even realize it. I love that she wants to help me be better. A better writer, creator and editor. ( I have a thing for commas) What I admire most is that she makes me think. She challenges me and with a simple question- "What does the world you want to live in look like" she sets my Muse on fire and away I go.
What does the world you want to live in look like? I closed my eyes. I challenged my perceptions and my wants and tried to really see the world I am working so hard to create for myself and my family. The first 10 things that popped into my head where of what I didn't want to look at in my world. Then on to things I wanted, dreamed of and wished for. I let my thoughts go. Then, abruptly they came to a screeching halt and I could almost feel that muse of mine sitting there shaking her head at me. Took me long enough to figure it out. I want my world to look exactly as it does. I want the sunshine and the storms. I want the bitter cold and hotter than hell heat. I want happiness and rainbows. I want sadness and pain. I want all of it. The good, the bad and the ugly. Because what I want to see when I look at my world is balance. Love and hate. I want my past. I want my present. I want my future. My history led me here, my present is shaping it and my future will take me where I need to be. None of this would have happened if my world wasn't exactly as it is. I wouldn't be me. You have to have some sadness to truly appreciate that happiness. You have to lose to realize the importance of what you gain. You have to struggle, because how will you know when you have arrived on the other side. You have to face challenges and life lessons to become strong and confident. You have to face certain truths to learn about the most important person in your world. You. I know I want more color in my life. I want less of playing it safe and more of taking chances. I want solitude and I want to be out there. I want experience and I want knowledge. But most important of all, I want balance.
What does the world you want to live in look like?
Sue Fitzmaurice wrote the novel Angels in the Architecture.
I highly recommend you all check her and her work out. She is simply amazing.