The thoughts that come often unsought, and, as it were,
                                          drop into the mind, are commonly the most
                                                        valuable of any we have. 
                                                                    ~John Locke, 16 May 1699

Do you ever take time for silence? Moments in your day where you turn off your phones, computers, no radios, no conversation..nothing but silence.  Moments where you shut off the world and let your mind wander where it will. Granted somedays, ok most days even finding 5 minutes to do this is next to impossible, or so we tell ourselves. Who has time? When actually the correct question would be, Who Doesn't Have Time?  Often we all get so wrapped up in our days between work, kids, marriages, that we don't take a single moment for ourselves. To do so would make us feel guilty.  Then there are those that can not handle the silence. To be alone with one's thoughts can be almost intimadating to some. These are the people that from the time they wake up to the time they fall into bed exhausted, fill every moment of their  day. People that are constantly busy, running, talking, doing, doing anything to avoid spending time with their thoughts. Each of us at one point or another is guilty of this. Its how long we let it go that determines what kind of life we will live. If you don't let your thoughts go, if you keep them under lock and key, how do you know if that sudden epiphany that would help you so much, is there or not?

Don't get me wrong, there are alot of us (raising my hand here)  that have a tendency to over think at times. To get this circle of thought into my head that goes around and around. I tend to not to give it time to work out on its own. One of the lessons I have learned as I have gotten older is that sometimes there are problems or feelings in life that actually do not have a solution.  Shocking I know, and most people will tell you thats wrong, but I believe there are circumstances that you will come across where you can think all you want and never be able to figure it out. It is what it is and that is all you have. Going in cirlces thinking about it does nothing but drive you crazy.  I have often wished that we as humans came with an "off" switch on our thoughts, of course it would be far to easy to just flip the switch and never spend any time with ourselves.

What I want to figure out is the balance. The balance of allowing my thoughts to run free and not allowing them to go in circles at the same time. I feel that this is a fight we all have isn't it? We are human after all, though most days I will argue that I am in fact superhuman and can handle anything. Of course reality will often strike just as quickly and I get my reality check.. 

I do have to say that I love the moments of silence that I can steal in my day. Where I can turn everything off and let my mind go where it will. It is often in these moments when I do not focus on anything, interal or external that I will have a random thought drop from out of nowhere and it will be exactly what I needed. I just needed to give it the silence to come through.  And while it may not be an answer that I have been searching for or expecting, it may be an alternative view or alternative thought that sheds a whole new light on whatever it is that is plaguing my thoughts.

So tell me, will you take 10 minutes or even 5 minutes of silence? Will you let your mind wander untethered and see what comes through? Random Thoughts can be pretty amazing....

Shhhhh, let them come.

                     The true hypocrite is the one who ceases to perceive his deception,
                                                 the one who lies with sincerity. 
                                                                                                  ~André Gide
There is no escaping them, at one point or another in our lives we have all had to deal with one of the hardest types of people to face, the hypocrite.  I can tell immediately just from reading the first couple of sentences of this, you thought of someone, maybe if you are really lucky a couple, (please note dripping sarcasm here). They appear sometimes out of no where, and usually we are completely unprepared to deal with them. Mainly because, if you are like me, you are who you are, always. You don't pretend to be something you are not, nor have ever been.  The hypocrites almost seem not to be able to control themselves, so full of moral indignation they stand in judgement of everyone, except the one they should most be focusing on, themselves.  They truly are toxic people, so wrapped up in the lives of others, they lose all touch with themselves. It is sad really, that they can stand in judgement of people, that which in truth, they probably know less then nothing about and proclaim, that they are right, that their beliefs are right, and you, just for being you, are wrong. I mean seriously, what the hell?

Now I know you are sitting there, reading this and probably grinning in contempt, because in your mind you have conjured the picture of your hypocrite. I call this person yours cause I have my own and really do no need another. The hypocrite's crime is that he or she, a bears false witness against themselves.  What makes it so plausible to assume that hypocrisy is the vice of vices is that integrity can indeed exist under the cover of all other vices except this one.  There is no honest hypocrite, I mean seriously think about it. Often times they lie first to themselves then to anyone that will listen, believing in their deceptions to the point it controls and skewers their perception of reality.

It really is the vice of all vices isn't it. Honestly being in the presence of a hypocrite, or having the pleasure of hearing from them (again note sarcasm) makes me ultimately, feel a whole lot better about myself. I mean sure, it may sting at first, but becomes kinda like a reality check for yourself. You look within, assess the things the hypocrite is saying, and the smile. Because you have looked, you have measured yourself, and then move on. Well hopefully move on, but alas sometimes it is easier said then done, as we all know the hypocrite has a tendency to pick and pick and pick, each time getting more and more creative as to why they are right and you are wrong... and I know there are times when you get can't get away from them for one reason or another, so what do you do? 

Me, I use these people as a sort of moral compass.  While they judge me, I judge myself. And as I am my own harshest judge, as it is I that has to live with myself. As long as I like what I see, change what I don't and continue on true to myself, then I know I am ok.   Because I know the reality of the situation is this... The darkness that a hypocrite sees in an other's heart is simply just a reflection of what is in their own.

The following is a piece that was written by Ernest Holmes that I really wanted to share with everyone. I did not write this, but I relate to it.

Random Thoughts n' Lotsa Coffee
☼* She Let Go *☼

She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go.

She let go of the fear. She let go of the judgments. She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head. She let go of the committee of indecision within her. She let go of all the 'right' reasons. Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.

She didn't ask anyone for advice. She didn't read a book on how to let go... She didn't search the scriptures. She just let go. She let go of all of the memories that held her back. She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward. She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.

She didn't promise to let go. She didn't journal about it. She didn't write the projected date in her Day-Timer. She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper. She didn't check the weather report or read her daily horoscope. She just let go.

She didn't analyze whether she should let go. She didn't call her friends to discuss the matter. She didn't do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment. She didn't call the prayer line. She didn't utter one word. She just let go.

No one was around when it happened. There was no applause or congratulations. No one thanked her or praised her. No one noticed a thing. Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.

There was no effort. There was no struggle. It wasn't good and it wasn't bad. It was what it was, and it is just that.

In the space of letting go, she let it all be. A small smile came over her face. A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone forevermore."

- Ernest Holmes

 

                    The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own.
                              No apologies or excuses. No one to lean on, rely on, or blame.
                                            The gift is yours - it is an amazing journey
                                       You alone are responsible for the quality of it.
                                             This is the day your life really begins

Everyone feels emotional pain in their lives. You can either use that to become a better & stronger person or you use it as an excuse not to. I have learned over the years that there are times when a person will use it as an excuse.  An excuse to retreat to some shadow world, where they refuse to deal with life and circumstance. Often times creating such a world that has no basis in reality, but is one that they are comfortable with. I have learned that sometimes, you can't fix broken.

I have learned that sometimes, you can not help someone that refuses to help themselves. That you can sacrifice for, plead with, fight for and love, and that sometimes, it isn't enough.  I have learned that to carry the burden of this can almost bring you to your knees. I have learned that trying to show someone that the shadow world they live in is not reality, will never work. That a person so buried in this world will do whatever it takes to convince you, that it is you that is wrong. By lying, manipulating and swearing to whatever god is handy, you must agree and play along. To do otherwise marks you as the enemy. I have learned that sometimes, you can't fix broken.

I have learned what it is like to walk the edges of this shadow world, desperately wanting to reach in and bring this person back into life, to feel that constant pull from them as they resist. They want to pull you in, have you as part of this reality they have built. I have learned in this struggle the importance of strength. I have learned that to resist that pull, is to have a pull on your heart that is tremendous. I have also learned that you would come to a point, when you could pull no longer.  I learned that sometimes, you can't fix broken.

I have learned over the years a lesson that seems to be coming to a its final conclusion. That regardless of how much you love someone, support them and fight for them, they are ultimately responsible for their life, their journey, their reality. I have learned what it is like to fail.  I have learned that sometimes you can't fix broken.

I have learned that while sometimes you can't fix broken, you can pick up the pieces of yourself and put them back together. That this takes strength and courage. I have learned that when you decide your life is your own, that is the first step in taking back the power over your life. I have learned that this is ok. I have learned that you sometimes need to walk away.

Life lessons never stop, they just vary in intensity. How you handle life what throws at you, determines who you are as a person. I have seen the dangers of retreating into a shadow world, I have seen how high the cost can be when one will not fight for themselves.  When it is simply just easier to retreat into their shadow world and leave their loved ones behind.  I have learned, that it is never your fault, that they alone are responsible for their destiny.

I have learned, that you alone are responsible for your character, your integrity, your strength and your future. I have learned that you must always dig as deep as you need to, to find the strength to pull yourself up and carry on. I have learned that the price is simply to high to not to. I have learned that it doesn't matter what the world thinks of you, if you are solid and secure in yourself, if you face whatever comes at you with dignity, strength and courage, that is what matters.  I have learned that it is ok to stumble, it is ok to cry, but that it must not end there.

I have learned the value of my life.

                                            I know my heart will never be the same
                                                But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
                                                     Even on my weakest days
                                                      I get a little bit stronger
                                                                      ~Sarah Evans

The past week of my life has been one of the hardest I have ever had to live through, and that  is saying something.  I don't do feelings well, never have. I hate the thought circle that seems to be on constant rotation inside of my head while I work to process what has occurred. I am strong, have to be to get to be the person I am today. Hasn't ever been easy, but it is what it is and I am who I am because of it. This event, shattered my heart, made me angry and sad and a whole slew of other emotions that have my thoughts scattered.  One of those moments in one's life that time seems to stop until you can wrap your head around it. I am not gonna lie, having a hard time with that... I feel like I am on a roller coaster and really wish it would stop so I could get my bearings. Life is like that at times, sending you screeching around curves with sudden drops that leave you breathless. You may get slightly off balance for a while, sometimes a little longer, but you get your feet back underneath you eventually. If you don't, the ride will go on without you and you will be left behind. Riding this roller coaster of life takes determination, takes balls, takes integrity and strength. You have to want it, the ups, downs, curves and plummeting drops. To stop and get off means that you will never ride out of the past. The roller coaster of life  goes only in one direction, forward. Sometimes you may need to take a break, to get your bearings and assess where you are, if it isn't where you want to be, you have to dig deep and fight to get where you want to be. People will weigh in, some will pass judgements on situations they have no idea about.  But you can't listen to anyone but yourself. You have to want to fight when you have to, to see everything as it is, and get back on that ride. Always moving forward.
 
This is one of those times when I just want to yell, Stop the Frigging Ride, I want to get OFF! And I have in a sense, taken a time out. This is ok, I know that. I need to let every emotion come as it will, face it and let it move on. Bottling it up isn't going to work, never has for me. I have to face it, all of it or else risk sacrificing the one thing that I have to fight for, me.  No one else in my life as ever gone to bat for me, stuck up for me...I learned at an early age, that I had to be my own hero. Some people just don't understand and are so quick to judge, and that's fine. I let them. Think about that for a minute, just letting people think what they want and not letting it hurt you. Because the only person for who the truth is the most important is yourself. You have to live with what you have inside. You have to face it, or you risk losing yourself. We have to stop living for everyone else, we have to live for the one person in this life that should never, ever let you down, You.

You are the strongest person you know, even when you don't feel it. Family and friends can remind you when you are weak, they can give you all the love that you deserve. But there are times when life throws something at you, that you have to go inside yourself to find the answers. You will realize when this occurs, that while your world may be in pieces and the future may have suddenly taken a different shape, each piece you put back together will lead you to it.  I know that this time, it may take me longer then usual to put the pieces back together. To make peace with what has occurred. Thankfully I have a husband who reminds me everyday that I am strong, a kid that lights up my life and friends that are my family. While I may be alone in the processing of this, they are right behind me and for that I am grateful.

It is in your darkest hour of adversity, that you discover who you are and where you are meant to be. It is in this hour, that you learn more about yourself then you ever knew before. Who you will become, will depend on what you do when you are faced with it. Will you hide, will you run, will you be strong, will you become better for what has occurred? That is completely and utterly something only you can answer. For me, even on my darkest day, I will get a little bit stronger, I will continue forward after a time, because that is the only option I will allow myself. I hope for you, that it is the same. Never give up, life is to precious. It is totally what you make it, how you shape it, how you live it. You have total control even when at times it all feels like it is spiraling out of control. You have to fight at times, crawl at times, bow your head in weariness, but ultimately, you have to pick yourself up and tell yourself you will be ok. I wish for you strength, courage and the ability to believe in yourself.