You will get to the Other Side of things eventually. It may not happen in a way you ever wanted. It may not happen tomorrow. It may break your heart and your spirit in the process, but you will one day pick up those scattered pieces and build a life that you want. That you deserve and that you control. You may need to make some scary decisions; you may need to go out on your own, take some chances and stand firm for what you want, what you need. But never doubt that you will get there. ~J.V. Manning The older I get the more like my grandmother I become. This in itself is totally not a bad thing, except she was always awake before the sun even thought about getting out of bed and apparently I will be too. I wake up at 4 in the morning - every morning - whether I want to or not. I stumble downstairs, blindly find my coffee pot, pour my first cup and settle into my corner of the couch. When this first started happening I was really not ok with being up before the rest of the world. But, as time has gone on, I have come to treasure these moments of my day that are entirely my own. I don't have to be anywhere, do anything, or take care of anyone. I am not distracted by ringing phones, laptops, deadlines or the busy that is my life. It is really the only part of my day til late at night that it is just me, my coffee and my random thoughts. It was during one of these mornings recently that my thoughts decided to take a random trip down memory lane. The past is not something I visit normally. I lived it once and I really don't need to relive it again. But for some reason my subconscious - which is undeniably way smarter that my conscious brain - saw the need. Funny how when we stop distracting ourselves for a few moments what our brain brings forth for us to think about. It usually isn't something you want to be thinking about, but probably something you should be thinking about, at least for that moment. I think what triggered this stroll down memory lane was an off-the-cuff comment a guy made to me during a conversation the day before. About people seeing who you are today and having no idea what it took to get you there. Every trial, life lesson, heartache and struggle you faced. Made me look at where I am today and step back to trace my journey here. For it is not just strangers that do not appreciate all that you have overcome, but it is also ourselves that do not stop long enough, and occasionally pat ourselves on the back for what we have accomplished. We made to it to today. We made it to this very moment. For some this is a milestone in itself. Those that wake up in the morning and never know what the day will bring forth. The ones that wake up and only open one eye in order to peer out to the morning and see if the bad is waiting silently next to the bed. Or the ones that wake up every morning with a sickness, facing a day of pain, medications, doctors and procedures. The women who wake up next to their husbands never knowing which man will show up that day. The caring partner or the controlling, abusive monster? For some just getting through each moment is an accomplishment worth noting. I have had moments in life when just making it through the day in one piece felt like I climbed the tallest mountain. When what I faced on a daily basis by all means should have dropped me to my knees, head bowed and arms thrown up, saying "I quit." But somehow - I made it through each and every one of them. Not because I am anyone special. Not because I have secret powers or magic cape - but because somewhere buried inside of me, I believed in the other side. The Other Side. When I was nestled into my corner of the couch, blanket drawn up around me and coffee in hand - I time traveled in my mind a bit. I was feeling anxious about the future and all the new things that I have in my life now. Awesome things. Exciting things. Things I had only dreamed about, where slowly coming to fruition. I was having a hard time believing in the good and that bothered me. See, I know where I came from, what I overcame, fought and dealt with, to get to this moment. But apparently I needed to remind myself the journey to the Other Side actually happened, I can trust in it. Finding the Other Side took me over 30 years. I didn't even know it existed. To me the Other Side was a myth. Mired in life, no hope for the future and lacking the ability to see beyond my now - even the thought that someday everything would be different, be better, would make me laugh out loud. The sheer craziness of the thought would have me shaking my head, dropping my shoulders and continue to solider on to what I was facing at the time. I didn't have time for fairy-tales. I sat there that morning and traveled the roads that led me to here and now. From the philandering drunk father, to finding out when I was 21, he wasn't really my father, to meeting my real father and finding out I have 5 brothers and sisters I knew nothing about 10 years later. To spending decades locked in my mother's mental illness, never knowing day-to-day which woman I would get. And on through the years of unhealthy relationships, periods of self-imposed isolation from the world, bad decisions, and self-loathing. The tenacity I hated myself with for so many of those years, leaves me breathless. The losses, the battles, the never ending cycle of bad that was life. I played my history like a video montage in my mind, seeing everything clearly as if it was someone else's life. When I came to the last few years I stopped for a moment. The sun was peeking through the trees and the quiet in my living room was calming. I sipped from my steaming cup of coffee and focused on its warmth in my hand. The past 3 years have been the culmination of all of it. The breaking point coming with my mother's death. The shock of her suicide, the devastation and the overwhelming urge to make sense of it all - was the final act. It was not as I wanted. It was not what I had envisioned. But it was the hand that life dealt me and I was left holding the cards with a decision to make. Do I hold? Do I fold? Do I play them? I couldn't hold on to them. I refused to fold. So, I played them. What I won from that hand was - the other side. So many of you are facing daily struggles that not many in your life see. Abusive relationships, depression, addiction, family problems, and illnesses. Life. It can be so hard to see the end game because you are too busy trying to make it through the day. It seems never ending. It starts to feel like this is the life you are supposed to have and that it will never get any better. That you are destined to suffer through whatever it is you're facing and that is just how it is. But take it from me, for it is one of the only things in life that I am 100% sure of - You will get to the Other Side of things eventually. It may not happen in a way you ever wanted. It may not happen tomorrow. It may break your heart and your spirit in the process, but you will one day pick up those scattered pieces and build a life that you want. That you deserve and that you control. You may need to make some scary decisions; you may need to go out on your own, take some chances and stand firm for what you want, what you need. But never doubt that you will get there. When I finished my coffee that morning I realized with startling clarity something I had been missing all along. I had done it. I had found the Other Side. All the struggles, all the sadness and all the loss had led me here. I just needed to see it. I needed to believe in it.
Maybe you are getting there; maybe you have taken the steps to get to where life is good. Maybe, just maybe, you are already there and just like me - didn't realize it. Wherever you are on your journey, however bad or how hard a struggle it is - know in your heart and soul this one thing... The Other Side exists. You will get there and you will be content. You will be happy and safe. You will feel the one emotion so many of us gave up long ago - hope. Promise
27 Comments
Kristine Marie
6/5/2013 01:24:33 pm
We all do have our struggles, glad you decided to play out the hand ~loves best energy to you
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Random Jenn
6/5/2013 01:58:59 pm
♥ I am kinda glad I played the hand too my friend.
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Teresa
6/5/2013 02:14:49 pm
The quote reminds me so much of my oldest son ,like the rest of us is struggling to find him self after the loss of his younger brother 2 1/2 years ago , I don't want him to ever doubt that he won't get to where he needs to be ,thank u for the inspirational words
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Random Jenn
6/5/2013 02:32:39 pm
Teresa,
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Sharon
6/5/2013 03:04:37 pm
Sometimes One can stumble upon words that fit perfectly.Sometimes One can connect with a Writer Who certainly seems to know your soul without ever meeting. The Power of Words!!!!! Hope is My Daughter's Middle Name, and I gave Her that name because She was and continues to be My Other Side. Jenn I am proud of You!!! Your words and wisdom have touched My Soul many times.Right On!!! You have made One Maine Woman proud!!! Love Your Book!! Love Your Words....and Your Photo's are amazing!!!! Thanks for You!!!!
Random Jenn
6/6/2013 12:44:26 pm
Sharon it is not often that someone gets me to blush.. Reading your comment did just that. You touched my heart with your words and I am grateful. Especially the part of being a Maine woman, as this state is such a part of my soul, I want to do it proud.
Ange
6/5/2013 03:34:23 pm
Holy!!! Thanks for sharing!! may I quote you in an art piece I am using....in the description I will credit you! I am working on a bridge series of paintings and your quote would fill in a portion of one, beautifully!
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Random Jenn
6/6/2013 12:45:58 pm
Ange,
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Rosella
6/5/2013 03:55:02 pm
this piece is so beautiful and inspiring! well done, jenn!
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Random Jenn
6/6/2013 12:46:52 pm
Rosella - Thank you. I appreciate the time you took to comment and read this piece. Touches my heart!! xoxo Jenn
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Cindt
6/5/2013 04:25:18 pm
I'm sitting having my coffee, crying from your story, I was wondering, if the other side is there,,,,,,I'm trying to. Find asst living for both parents , both Alzheimers patients, that's only the start of my story. I wanted to a thank you, this is the hardest, I know to let go let God. You ladies are blessings ,,,,)
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Random Jenn
6/6/2013 12:50:09 pm
Cindy - I am so sorry that I made you cry! But maybe you felt better afterward? Sometimes tears can release so much that you feel better afterwards for having shed them.
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Dorothy
6/5/2013 06:00:36 pm
Your blog always gives me hope and makes me feel like I am not alone..just getting out of a 8 year abusive marriage. Thank you for sharing your wisdom and strength.
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Random Jenn
6/6/2013 12:54:39 pm
Dorothy,
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Sandra FLAADA
6/6/2013 07:35:58 am
This is where I find myself today at the age of 62. I am finding it hard to believe that this calm I am feeling now won't be pulled out from under me. I have learned in my life that when things seem OK, that's when I should watch out for the darkness. It has happened over and over. I am working as hard as I can in therapy and with meds. I don't like this feeling of watching and waiting. I don't want to live in the "what ifs." I want to relax on the inside. I'll keep working on it as I have already come a long way--it will come.
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Random Jenn
6/6/2013 12:57:36 pm
You are right Sandra - it will come. One step at a time. You will find your rhythm and will get to where you need to be. Just keep working at it. Never ever give up! You are worth all the energy and strength it takes to get you to your happy. You can do it.
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6/7/2013 02:17:52 am
I just "happened" (no Accident I am sure) (lol) on your posting on FB this morning. I, too, have dealt with a lot of the same things you have. A mentally ill mother who at age 73 took her own life, an 18 yr old son who died in a car accident, my older sister dying a young death, several abusive relationships with men ( I have now been divorced for 12 yrs) and still alone to this day. And on and on, certainly more than enough to break your will AND your spirit. Believe me, I have wanted to give up on life so many times. I am still learning that all we have is this moment in time, not some illusionary future that hasn't happened yet. And while it is certainly good to reflect back in order to put things in proper perspective, you cannot drive the car forward while looking in the rearview mirror. I loved the last word in your posting...HOPE. NEVER give up hope for a brighter tomorrow, there is always HOPE. So, I will continue to have hope while trying my best to appreciate each day as it comes and to appreciate the little things that make our live's worth living. Namaste' to you my friend and Many Blessings, Josie
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Random Jenn
6/8/2013 02:44:51 am
Josie you sound like an amazingly strong woman. And I love that quote about not being able to drive forward when you are looking in the rear view mirror.
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Sandra FLAADA
6/7/2013 05:45:43 am
Thank you for the kind words Josie Brown. Your description of how we want to live (not looking backward while driving forward) described a nightmare I had about 5 years ago. I was driving forward but the car kept speeding backward. I had no control, which obviously this dream was depicting.
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Elvina
6/8/2013 01:57:07 am
" It may not happen in a way you ever wanted. It may not happen tomorrow. It may break your heart and your spirit in the process, but you will one day pick up those scattered pieces and build a life that you want. That you deserve and that you control. You may need to make some scary decisions; you may need to go out on your own, take some chances and stand firm for what you want, what you need. But never doubt that you will get there."
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Random Jenn
6/8/2013 02:40:54 am
Elvina,
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Hetal Fitter
6/15/2013 05:11:42 pm
Thank you so much for sharing such hopfull and promising thought!
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Random Jenn
6/20/2013 01:55:09 pm
Dearest Hetal, I can say without a doubt that the Other Side does exist. It is a different journey for each of us - but one that we can do as long as we never give up.
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Luauna
6/20/2013 01:22:33 am
Thank you for this beautiful spot. Found it purly by accident and it is just what I needed today.We must be sisters from another mother as my life runs paralle with yours.From the drunken father to a mother who took her own life,,,see, I still can't say or write "that" word.But, yes it does get better. I will never be a victim again....as I know who controls my destiny..I do. Keep up the beautiful words~
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Random Jenn
6/20/2013 01:58:30 pm
Luauna your comment touched my heart. It also made me wish I could give you a big hug and knowing look. I get not being able to say "the word." Took me awhile as well, but I forced myself it see it for what it was.
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robbin
7/19/2013 01:26:05 am
this touched me very deep..I just pray you are right..I hope some day I will find the other side...there just has to be one...thanks for the cry I guess I needed it...lots of love
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Kathleen
8/29/2013 03:10:15 pm
I so needed to hear this now. Amazing how things appear when we need it the most...thank you for your story.
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