Feeling All The Feels

Life has been stripped down so that we can reassess what is important and what is not. Life has been stripped down to see who we want in our lives and who needs to go. Life has been laid bare so that we can see all the areas that need work. Life has been laid bare so we can see all the ways we can become better humans.
~JV Manning
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Overwhelmed, sad, exhausted, pissed off, anxious, hopeful, motivated, furious, depressed, scared, happy, lonely, despondent, kind, open, fired up, over it, ready, quiet, loud, disgusted, loving, and silent.

These are the range of emotions most of us have felt daily this year. I know I am not alone in having the thought of "What the fresh hell will today bring?" upon waking up each morning in 2020.  Or the only one who closes their eyes before reading the next "Breaking News" update that pings through my phone. I have been mortified by people's actions one moment and then absolutely encouraged by people the following. I have seen the very best of humanity this year. I have seen that absolute worst, as well.

The one thing that every single person on this planet has in common, this year has affected them. This year has changed them. This year has brought so many things rapidly to our consciousness that it's no wonder we are all overwhelmed. It's like walking through the woods in Maine during a windstorm and being pelted by flying acorns from every possible direction. You can't avoid them. You can't hide from them. You take the blows one by one and hope you can make it through to the other side of the forest, where it's clear and safe, without suffering some form of head injury.  

We will eventually make it through to the other side of everything that is going on—changed, for sure. Different than when we entered into this year. Stronger. Probably a few unhealthy coping mechanisms are thrown in. We will look back on everything eventually and realize that as much as we may have wanted to give up, as much as we tried to deny everything we were facing, it changed us in ways we had never even considered before. This entire year has forced us to examine every facet of our lives. It has challenged our long-held beliefs; it has challenged us to not only plunge into our darkness but the darkness of the rest of the world at the same time.

​Honestly, though, one thing I've learned in my life is that some of the most incredible life lessons, changes, and knowledge I've gained, has been born out of chaos. It sucked everything out of me in the process. It beat the absolute shit out of my entire being. I hated every single moment of it. But, I emerged. I emerged more settled inside of my soul because of seeing myself through it. I was surviving on nothing more than my persistence, stubbornness, intelligence, and willingness to embrace the fact that life is continuously going to evolve whether I wanted it to or not.

Navigating our way through chaos creates a version of ourselves we may not have attained otherwise.

I've leveled up a few times in my 42 years on this planet, and while at the time I hated the process of becoming, of growing through the events of life, it helped me become the woman I am today.
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This year though, man, this year has challenged me in ways I never dreamed of. Yet, it has also created facets to my life that I need to expand on. It has shown me things that I had never known or experienced and opened me up to new ideas that I desperately want to incorporate into my life. The past few months have plunged me into deep darkness. More profound than many I've made my way through already. I am okay with darkness, mine, and others. Because it is within the darkness that we glean the knowledge and strength we need to make our time on this planet worthwhile. We find the building stones to a better future for ourselves within the darkness. We use these knowledge stones to build our foundations stronger than we were, and with each lesson we learn, we work towards creating something we can be proud of. We build our confidence, find our voice, cast aside everything that no longer serves us, make us happy, or make us better humans. 

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Throughout all the dark periods of my life, I have done one thing consistently. I have embraced the lessons it taught me. I have tried my damnedest to extrapolate as much wisdom, insight, empathy, and strength as I can so that in the future, not only will I have a deep well to pull from when life throws me a curveball, but I will also have that same well to help others who need it. 

But seriously, this year has been ridiculous. It's felt like a living Stephen King novel on so many levels. There have been days when I just wanted to pack up everything I own and move deep into the woods of Maine, leaving humanity and all of its batshit chaos behind. I wanted to. Really, really wanted to.
 
I have never run away from anything in my life. I'm not going to start now. Though I am probably going to bitch about the insanity I have seen out of humanity. I will also keep shrinking my circle of friends because 2020 has shed some light on people I thought I knew but who have been harboring some deep-less-than-stellar personality traits that do not jive with how I live my life, my morals, or how I treat others. 

There is no one way through everything that is going on now. The roads we all must travel are going to look different to everyone. We are going to have hard days, and it's important to allow those to happen. You are allowed to be weary, exhausted, and sad. I would worry more about you if you weren't all of those things at times. You can be angry and confused. You are allowed to write people out of your life who show you parts of their personalities that you have never seen before. Yes, even family members. We have reached a point in time where life has stripped away all the pretty window dressings on our hearts and souls, revealing the raw and powerful, deep and penetrating truths that we all hold deep inside of ourselves. Humanity has been ripped wide open this year, and we are catching glimpses for the first time of the true essence of people. While I've had my faith reaffirmed in humanity many, many times this year, I've also had to see actions and heard vileness out of people that have angered me to a level I rarely get to. I am not an angry person, usually. However, seeing the lengths some of humanity will go to hurt others has ignited a fire inside my belly. I can only look for ways to offset it as much as possible. By how I live my life. By speaking up. By supporting. By using my words. Actions and words may feel small, but it can become a force of nature when combined with others. 
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​Life has been stripped of most pretense, and it has been incredibly hard to find peace with a lot of it. Honestly, we may be wearing physical masks, but the masks we have all worn for the duration of our time on this planet have been torn away. It's a good thing, I think. Though one that will take time to come to terms with. 

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See, the thing is, no one has any answers right now. None. We have a shitload of problems. We have so many hurting people. We have so much hate and disdain that permeates everything we see, read, and experience that it feels impossible to make any sort of headway towards a better tomorrow. It's overwhelming. It's also incredibly hard to find the strength to fight for others when you are barely making it through the day yourself. That leads to feelings of inadequacy and beating yourself up for not doing enough.

I know I have felt like the weight of the world has been resting on my shoulders for months now. I want to give back more to the world than I take. I want to reach out to every hurting, marginalized, wronged, sick, sad, overwhelmed person and hold some of their burdens for a while. I want to change things that are so wrong for so many. But for some reason, I've felt powerless to do so.

I forgot something. Something I am always quick to point out to others but less apt to remember for myself.

I am human. Note to self -  You are, too. 

Pretty simple, right? Yet, we all will give others pep talks, support, love, and encouragement while forgetting to provide ourselves with the same. Yes, some people are having a more challenging time than you; some are in far worse circumstances. This does not negate you, your life, or how you are handling everything right now. Stop comparing. Allow yourself to feel all the feels. Your journey is breathtaking. Your life is worth consideration. On its own merits. Not compared to anyone else's journey.

Give yourself a damn break. Seriously. So what if you're not crushing goals this year. So what if you think your kids may be the spawn of the devil, so what if your house isn't spotless. So what?

Life has been stripped down so that we can reassess what is important and what is not. Life has been stripped down to see who we want in our lives and who needs to go. Life has been laid bare so that we can see all the areas that need work. Life has been laid bare so we can see all the ways we can become better humans.

All of our journeys are connected because we are all humans. The masks we've worn throughout our entire lives do not matter anymore. As much as we want the light, we learn in the darkness. The darkness forces change. The darkness builds our strength and character. The darkness we wander through will lead us to ways we can not only enrich our own lives but our communities, as well. This is how things will get better. This is how we make it through to the other side.
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Be gentle with yourself, but kick your own ass when needed, too. There is no right or wrong way to get through each day, and what worked a month ago may not work tomorrow. Evolving is key. Understanding you don't have all the answers is imperative. Understanding no one else does either levels the playing field.

Be open. Make changes that feel right. Trust your instinct. Allow others to be as they are; just because they don't think, act, believe as you don't make them wrong. Just makes them different. Unless, of course, the way they are acting or believing is denying freedoms to others, then speak up because that is, and will always be, one of the biggest lessons this year has for many, many people. We cannot expect to live our lives as we want while denying that same right to others.
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We are all humans on an incredible journey, and no two journeys are the same, and that, my friends, is what makes life so beautiful, intricate, and worthwhile. 

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