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I want more. I need more. I find that I am now brave enough to admit it. ~J.V. Manning  I feel it in deep within my belly, an unsettled, slightly anxious and mildly intoxicating - feeling of restlessness. Not an; I’m-bored-and-should-do-something restlessness, it's deeper than that. My soul is restless. My being is restless. I find myself staring off to the horizon and feeling a magnetic pull on the soles of my feet. Pulling me to not just leave the realms of my comfort zone but to destroy every last piece of it as I go. Yet, I stand here - fixed in place. A yearning is smoldering inside my soul and every time I feel that pull - the embers ignite even more. There have been moments when the fire within roared so furiously I felt as if I would crawl out of my own skin. It's exhausting. Fighting the pull of my soul. Fighting the restlessness that keeps building and building within me. Anger rising more quickly to the surface, directed to no one and everyone at the same time. Frustration. I know it's not the world's fault that I'm standing here at the threshold of "next" - for there is no one to blame but myself. I am hesitant and with each moment of hesitation - the yearning grows stronger. Volatile. I worry it will consume me. That I will do something reckless, out of character. Like giving into the feeling and see where it takes me. Leaving everything behind. But, I know I won't. I can't. I have responsibilities. I have commitments. I have to be something to everyone in my world. I have roles to fulfill and meals to prepare. I have paychecks to earn and bills to pay. I have an everyday kinda life and its chains have me firmly in place. I love my place in this world, yes - but still, my soul yearns and the restlessness in the very core of my being - grows stronger. Often, I find myself standing outside on my porch, shrouded in the darkness of night, gazing towards the heavens and losing myself amongst the stars. I fling my deepest hopes and dreams into the universe and hope that one of the constellations will fling them back, one by one, and show me the way to have it all. I've thought, over time, the restlessness would fade. It's only grown stronger. The older I get, the more settled into myself I become, the more it builds. There is more to this life, more I should be doing, experiencing and accomplishing. But, as I sit here in my little corner of the woods in Maine - I can only travel in my mind. Day to day minutia weighs like concrete on my feet. I want more. I need more. I find that I am now brave enough to admit it.  I don't care about material possessions. I don't care about owning this or that. I want to love hard and live harder than I ever have before. I want to taste this world and experience people and places I have only dreamed about. I want rambling conversations with strangers on trains and talks with the moon while sitting on the rocky coast in Oregon. I want to dive deeper into parts of me and see what we can create together. I want to be best friends with myself and reach for things I never thought attainable before. I want to see what I can accomplish, whose lives I can touch and I want the chance to take every life lesson I have ever learned and put them all to use. I want to sit in a coffee shops in New York City and watch the people go by. I want to write long winded pieces and beautiful books from a cabin deep in the Rockies. I dream of visiting Reservations to listen to the wisdom of the Elders. I want to travel to far flung countries and sit among the locals so that I may absorb everything that makes them unique into my soul. My eyes beg to see the northern lights and my ears long to hear the Blues floating out from the smoky bars in the French Quarter. I want to wander around castle ruins in Ireland. My soul yearns to sit in silent meditation with Tibetan Buddhist Monks so I may become more in tune with my spiritual center and carry forth into the world with pure love and grace. I want to write words that flow from my soul onto the page. Words that change people. Words that make them think. Words that challenge them to see the world around them with an open heart and mind. I want to dance with my muses on the shores of Australia and then sequester myself somewhere on the Maltese Islands, where I can gaze out to Mediterranean Sea as more soul expressions flow forth. I have fought like hell to get to this point in my life. The point where I finally have opened my soul to the possibility of more. I've paid my dues. I've earned my scars and I've healed. I have allowed the fortunes of fate to mire me places that were never of my choosing because of duty, because of honor, because it was the right thing to do. I have cared for others, put my life on hold for far too long. I've allowed my passion to fade away, my desires to fossilize and my dreams to become dusty. I find I can’t fight it any longer. It's out of my control. They are demanding their time. Demanding their space in my consciousness and they won't be denied any longer. I have Restless Soul Syndrome and it excites and scares the hell out of me at the same time. A duality of emotions that threatens to overwhelm me.  The winds of change are blowing, gusting and I must hear the siren call of my soul.
I can almost hear the sighs escape the lips of those of you reading this right now. You feel it as well. That yearning, the hope there is more to life than just the 9 to 5. Doesn’t make us ungrateful for the life we have. Doesn’t mean we love anyone any less. It means we want off the couch. It just means we want more. It makes us dreamers, adventurers and it makes us ones who refuse to settle. We need experiences, we need more unprecedented moments in our lives. To fuel us. To make us dig into parts of ourselves we never knew existed until the restlessness in our souls could be denied no longer. We are all so much more capable than we give ourselves credit for. I close my eyes and imagine this majestic mountain range with each of us standing on our own peak, raising our arms to the heavens and shouting… “Ready or not world – here I come!”
28 Comments
Eileen J Luedtke
6/17/2015 02:22:45 pm
Oh dear, sweet Jenn, now I truly, deeply know we are soul sisters! All I needed to see was the word "restless", and I KNEW it was a must read. Do you hear my sighs, sense my tears, and feel a piece of my heart break? I know I was born with this insatiable soul restlessness. To be & see all the places you spoke of so eloquently! People have chastised me when I have been brave enough to state my ceaseless drumming in my soul, "there has got to be more!" What kind of arrogant being was I to not be satisfied with what is? And yes, at the age of almost 61 it is even more tormenting. My fearlessness has decreased. I'm not as willing to fly by the seat of my pants. But always hearing the voice telling me, you have to be willing to lose sight of the shore. When the pain of staying grows stronger then your fear, RUN! Like your life depends on it. Because it does.
Random Jenn
6/18/2015 02:41:15 pm
You get it. Thank you.
Dayana Maruri
2/2/2016 04:24:32 pm
Exactly! It's overwhelming! I'm lost
PechieKeen
4/27/2016 11:06:22 am
Peaches
4/27/2016 11:28:37 am
I am not sure where nor when this message will be posted...but I feel a disconnected connection to this website. :) or :( I feel I have a restless soul and heart. I have struggled my whole life through...wanting yearning searching for a slight sense of belonging, living and loving. I have pulled myself up from the depths of despair...I am not sure how..but I have done it. By most measures I would be deemed successful; but there is a yearning for something sooo much more than than being educated, raking in a great salary and owning my own home. I was born in NYC...orphaned at the age of 3...adopted by the age of 7...a runaway by the age of 14...a single unwed mother by the age of 21...educated and successful by the age of 30...but restless at 46. I have never been normal nor did I want to be...I have never wanted and never was "LIKE EVERYONE ELSE". There were times when I wanted to fit in...in retrospect...I think I wanted to blend in. That way, no one could see my pain, feelings of loneliness and abandonment. I guess I wanted to hide from my personal feelings of worthlessness. I used to feel sooo lonely even in a crowd of people. So as I roam and live this life of mine...I truly wonder...where do I belong? Where do I go from here? How do I satiate this quench for more? And...what is the more that I want. When will I ever feel placated with what I have and who I have become? I think the month of NEVER!!! However, I felt compelled to put my thoughts, feelings and fears in the atmosphere.
Kim
12/11/2016 07:17:45 am
Peaches, not sure you will see this,but I get you. Reading this article absolutely screamed to my soul. The writer put into words everything I am feeling. Like you, I am also 46 and restless, took the rocky path to success and somehow despite my past, made it. The entire journey to get here was always wanting some undefined "more". I need more people like the author, you and the others who have commented in my world...people who get it & understand. Wow! Jenn, I have to say I believe you have read my soul once again! This restlessness has held me captive for so many years! I, am now growing strong enough, to know that I must listen to this restless energy. As Eileen said, I have found the past 3 years, my soul yelling to run, run like hell! You never fail to capture exactly what my soul needs words put to!
Random Jenn
6/18/2015 02:43:46 pm
It settles something inside of me, knowing I am not alone in feeling this. 6/18/2015 07:02:30 am
I flew along with your thoughts thinking of that Dragon Fly, that Butterfly and I dreamed with you. Thank you for reminding me of what I have seen, heard and felt.
Random Jenn
6/18/2015 02:44:41 pm
Fly high sweet Patricia!! Thank you for reading and being such an incredible light in this world!!
Kathy
6/18/2015 12:19:58 pm
"I want to write words that flow from my soul onto the page. Words that change people. Words that make them think". I would say you've accomplished that. Thank you.
Random Jenn
6/18/2015 02:48:18 pm
Kathy,
Vanessa G Campbell
6/19/2015 01:46:26 am
OMG! Your last two posts were like you were able to get into my brain, pull out the jumbled thoughts and put them into print. I am 61 and a widow of six months. I am a 10 yr cancer survivor, my children are grown and I want to visit the friends I have made in my support groups through the Internet. My 28 yr old lives with me, is bipolar and I feel trapped. My son recently returned from a 2 year deployment in Saudi and I have spent the last 6 weeks with him in Virginia and it has been wonderfully peaceful. I am going back tomorrow and your post today has given me hope that I can make more trips. Keep on writing. You are the balm for my troubled soul. Thanks.
Shelly Anderson
6/21/2015 06:17:41 am
This article spoke to my own restless soul far more than any article I have ever read. Jenn, you "get it", you know what it feels like when your soul wants so much more. Resenting the commitments, the responsibilities, but as you say, not ungrateful for what I have. I was blessed to live and work in the Middle East for seven years and travel to other places while there, but let me tell you, other restless souls, that it is never, ever enough. Travelling was wonderful, exquisite, all I hoped for, but it only made my restless soul want more and more. It has been a few years now since I traveled far and my soul cries for it relentlessly every single day. It does grow worse too as the years draw in on us. I know that my restlessness shall never cease; it is only in intoxicating places where there are new languages, smells, foods, and connections with amazing strangers who become friends that my soul feels satisfied and not "wanting". Thank you for this Jenn, you have put into words what I never could.
Sonja
12/17/2015 12:13:49 am
Thank you. Thank you for this. I struggle with this a lot. The past few days have been the worst ever. I love my kids, my family, my friends, even my job. But there are times that I get so restless I imagine just getting in my car and driving. No destination, no purpose, just go. Responsibilities keep me grounded, keep me from running, but it feels like the weight of another human is sitting on my chest. I want to see the wonders of the world. To visit Stonehenge, castles, forrests, search for Atlantis, I've even said if they put people on a ship into outer space to search for new worlds I would gladly go. I'm descended from a long line of gypsies, maybe it's simply in my blood.
Random Jenn
12/17/2015 08:55:18 pm
I felt every word of your comment, Sonja.
Vanessa Campbell
12/17/2015 05:27:07 pm
Look! That is me giving you you a standing O for that post that described my mind and soul to a T. I have to do some fine tuning to my hip and take care of the cataracts next month and then my Chihuahua and I are ready to hit the road. Even months we will travel, odd months we will recoup at home and take care of mail, bills, meds, Dr. apts.etc. And we may change this plan as we see fit but it is a start. And making a start has been the hardest part. My Kindle will be at my side to read your posts and check in. You have been my impetus to get to this point. Thank you. Keep writing from the heart and telling it like it is, Sister. You ARE the real deal and I have learned so much from you since my husband died a year ago. You helped me make it through that first year when all my other friends dropped me. Thank you so much.
Random Jenn
12/17/2015 08:00:46 pm
I just want to hug you tight AND give you a high five for being strong, resilient and brave my friend. You are the reason why I do what I do and you have no idea what comments and messages like this mean to me. My whole soul started to sparkle when I was reading this. Thank you for being my fuel to dig deep to find the inspiration and words to do what I was born to. I am so blessed to have powerful and brave women like you in my world.
Judy Milligan
2/19/2016 12:10:32 am
Random Jenn. You got it. The wording is perfect. As you get older, it does get worse. You really don't care about material things anymore. It would be so easy for me to be gone far from here. I know I need to be very careful with this as to not upset a balance I can run back to. I don't know, mayby once I'm gone, that won't matter either. Thank you, Judy
Sandi Simpson
5/13/2016 10:59:55 am
As soon as I started reading this the tears started pouring down my face. To have someone else put into words the exact feeling that dominates my life each and every day was so very wonderful! To know that I am not alone in this, that it is a REAL feeling and that my feeling it doesn't make me a selfish or ungrateful person. So many times I've tried to explain this yearning, this physical ache inside of me for more--to see more, to do more, to be free from the ties that bind us to this rat race of a life. That my soul literally wants to be free! But most people do not understand it at all. Thank you so very much for your words!
Daryl Mitchell
6/27/2016 12:05:01 pm
I thought I was the only one. I change the furniture in my house at least once a month, relocation. Been married 3 times, believe in God , and follow him , but unsettled. It's like there's something else pulling me. To where , I don't know. Most people are content with what they have or where they live and they just can't comprehend what I feel. I'm almost 63 , time is running out. Thanks for your insight, it gives me hope
dee dee
9/16/2016 11:43:04 am
wow!!, and ive struggled with my self all these years, for as long as i remember, ive tried to conform, do the things expected of people my age,knowing all the while that i just always wanted something deeper, deeper, relationships..
Jennifer Baker
9/24/2016 01:13:41 am
Yes
I vibe with this article. You need to go skydiving. Do something you have never done. Take control. Join forums and make friends. Hell, go do it all by yourself and simply bring a camera. You'll meet people along the way, just be open but keep a sharp mind. One trip at a time :)
josh
2/19/2017 07:39:17 am
I am absolutely blown away by this piece of writing.It mirrors my soul,my thoughts,my anxieties,my inner pain,my frustrations,my thoughlessness,myanger,my sympathies,my pride,my healing....in fact my everything that exists on this earth.Incredibly powerful writing that has lifted the lid on how i feel right now at age 58....the crossroads of my life and so frustrated with circumstances that hold me down,pinning me me the ground. All i want is to be free to roam the world,discover,learn,yearn for new pastures,new beginnings..in fact a new life.I am bound by responsibilities but i have over the years,slowly releasing all the unwanted toxities in my life,from friends,possessions,materialistic ideals,anxieties,anger.....i need to feel alive again. I feel that my soul is stagnating...and i dont want to sound ungrateful and uncompromising...im far from that.In fact i live compromising for everyone else and stagnating my own life.But im now at the crossroads...this is the time now to make that move and live the consequences. I dont fear the unknown...in fact i relish new challenges. My time is up here and i just have to keep on moving on.Oh Lord give me the strength and the courage to take the next step forward and LIVE!
Leah
10/22/2017 06:38:30 pm
Just a stranger here...I found this post serendipitously. It is exactly what I needed, at the exact moment I needed it. Tears were shed. Thank you so much.
Jeff
12/29/2017 04:10:28 am
Loved your post. I also have a restless soul unlike you my restlessness has taken priority over my "chains". Wanderlust has offered me so many great experiences but it has also been the root of a very chaotic never satisfied lifetime. I'm now 48 and I have the exact same restless feeling that I first felt as a 5 or 6 year old when I first remember feeling an immense sense of boredom and desire to fix it. This has never left me. It's made having a relationship difficult. However there's been lots of adventures. I now have to figure out how to deal with this as I age.
Johanna Peschar
1/15/2018 09:55:59 am
A restless soul who tried to conform and finally gave up, that's me. I emigrated to England at 18 to learn, discover, and experience a different country, culture and people. I stayed and ran a successful business until I was 40, divorced, my son settled at University and free to explore the world. I worked and lived in the West Indies, Madagascar, Papua New Guinea, Indonesia and Timor Leste and in between took out four years to earn a degree in Anthropologyy and International Development at Sussex University. You'd think that these wonderful experiences would satisfy my restless soul and I could now rest on the laurels of memory. Not so! I now realize that this is a condition for life and there is no cure. I now live in France and yearn to leave my sweet house to continue exploring, learning and discovering. Ours is a life of lovers, not husbands (unless you're very, very lucky), of going there, not just watching the travel programs, of taking risks and forsaking an easy, boring life. Ultimately those with restless souls have little choice if we want to survive and be true to ourselves. But, oh, I'm so glad I'm not alone in this. Your comment will be posted after it is approved.
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