Guest Writer: Stacey Phillips, Creator of Fresh Minds Matter
There are times in life (sadly for some of us) too often, that we get hurt by the actions and behaviors of others.
'Oh yes I know that only too well' I hear you say.
Well here's the 'Fresh' rub on it: -
Now you are gonna have to really think about this and I mean really!
So let’s say someone you care about has said or done ( or is doing) something that hurt you, that makes you feel wounded inside, you can’t stop going back to it in your mind. The little hurt person inside of you keeps on saying 'why?' . Well first of all let’s look at that, every time you relive it, question it, visit it, you are fueling that hurt, like scratching the scab off and not letting it heal~ ' Yeah I know that, but it can’t stop!' you say. Let me tell you something you can and some of you WILL.
It really is this simple.
You can visit the situation once more but this time we are going to take the adult, grown up with us to visit. If and only if, the adult part of you can HONESTLY and truly say, MY ACTIONS, MY WORDS were and are all out of love, good intent and INTEGRITY then quite simple the others person’s response is SIMPLY THEIR STUFF, their responsibility and their issues. Now I’m not saying this means you cannot take responsibility for your own actions. But truly when you can say I DID NOTHING WRONG, I DID NOTHING TO DESERVE THIS then the actions causing you pain really do belong to SOMEONE ELSE. So now we can say, hey, their journey their stuff, I can stay or I can go, I can disconnect from any further pain as I KNOW it really is about them NOT ME!!!
We CAN remove those anchors that keep us imbedding the hurt in the little child in us. So feeding him or her it’s time for her to grow up too, to understand that not every action we receive is actually about us! Give that little child in you the power to grow up now! You CAN DO THIS! Your Adult person knows this and just like any child sometimes you just have to keep telling the same thing over and over again and showing them by example the right way to behave. Tell that child, ' Now you know you did nothing wrong, you know you are good and kind and giving and loving, this stuff is about them not you, now forget it and go play with someone else who is fun to be with'
After all most children don’t continue to play with the bullies forever they - they learn to go play with people who are good.
Anchors Away my friends, set them free to play nicely now, let those with troubles, keep their troubles to themselves and MOST OF ALL DON’T GIVE THEM ROOM TO MOVE THEIR TROUBLES INTO YOUR HEAD!!
Visit Stacey at Fresh Minds on Facebook.
Guest Writer: Christine Morgan, Certified Life Coach and
author of "Motivational Mondays"
I am silent.
Why don’t I speak?
Why don’t I share?
Why don’t I express my needs?
A little voice inside
my needs don’t matter
my cares aren’t valid
my desires are selfish
I should just keep them to myself.
But that’s a lie.
another voice creeps in
This one tells me
others should ask me
about my needs
about my cares
If I am valuable,
they should want to ask
But that is also a lie.
My needs are valid
My cares are important
My opinions do matter
when I don’t share
my thoughts and feelings
when I expect others
to just know my desires
to know I am waiting to be asked
While I wait
I give away the power over my life.
And as I wait
for someone else
to determine my path
The lies get louder
The hurt seeps in
All because of MY silence.
And I can fix it.
Get Your Copy of "Motivational Mondays"
“Things don’t change. You change your way of looking, that’s all.”
~ Carlos Casteneda
“You must be the change you wish to see in the world.”
~ Mahatma Ghandi
You can’t control people.
But you can control the environment and you can control yourself.
A few nights ago, over dinner, our youngest son was telling us how his children would turn out and what he would have them do. We said, “Good luck with that!” He replied, “Don’t tell me how to control my children’s lives.” We all laughed but I thought how true it is! We can’t control our children’s lives.
A couple of years ago I was going crazy! Crazy because I wasn’t sure my son was going to graduate from high school. He had a severe case of “senioritis”. He kept telling me, “You’re so pessimistic. Of course I’ll graduate.” He’d been a great student to start with during his high school years. But Junior and Senior year were the worst. With the grades he had in his 2nd semester of Senior Year (including swimming!!), not graduating was a possibility. I was so angry. I was such a nag. I couldn’t sleep at night. Finally, I realized I couldn’t live like this anymore. I couldn’t change him. I couldn’t make him get the grades he needed. So, after doing everything I could, I let go. (And I wrote a book, HOW TO BE A ZEN MAMA, during the nights I was up.)
I finally told him (not meaning it of course!), “Well, that’s ok if you don’t graduate. You can still live at home and attend community college. We’d love to have you!” I let him go, knowing that he needed to decide his own outcome.
That’s about the time he decided to change. He pulled everything together. He did graduate. And he loves college! He’s a junior now, going to Ft. Lewis College in the mountain town of Durango, Colorado. He’s majoring in French and Spanish and he continues to enjoy the music he loves. In fact, he just bought an accordion last summer.
Did he change so much that he had all straight A’s. No. Is he happy? Yes! I think he’s never been happier. I changed my reaction to him. I see him as a musician, a hard worker, and a student of life with great common sense.
“I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it.”
~ Harry S. Truman
Here’s what I found out while raising kids:
• You cannot change other people. Humanity has tried to do this through the ages. Girlfriends and wives have tried to change their men. Parents have tried to control their children. It doesn’t work! It never has. There is always some problem when you try to change and control another person.
• You can’t change your children, but you can change the environment you’re bringing them up in. Don’t like the video games your children are playing? Get rid of them. Don’t want your young children touching your special possessions? Pack them away until they are older. Don’t like the junk food they eat? Don’t buy it.
• We can only change ourselves. When we don’t like something, we need to change our reaction to the people we love. They are on their own path. They are individuals. And when you see them as an individual, you can accept them and get along much better. You are also an individual and the adult and you can teach them a lot by transforming yourself!
Five Ways to Transform Yourself Without Changing Your Children:
1. Start by listening – You automatically say, “I respect you” when you listen.
2. Observe – Watch your child, without judgment. Maybe you’re wrong about why he/she needs to change.
3. Let go of expectations – Let go of your expectations and find out what the person in your life wants out of their life.
4. Accept – Accept what the person in your life wants to do with their life.
5. Help – As a parent you are a guide. Help your children get where they need to be to accomplish their dreams (not yours for them).
One last thing… Sometimes people think that if you change yourself you are letting go of responsibility or that you’re giving up. Not at all! You are letting go of your emotional attachment to the outcome and control of a person. Good luck! It’s hard work!!
“Life is 10% of what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it.”
~ John Maxwell
Visit author Betsy McKee Henry on Facebook: Zen Mama
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