I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them   
        together again and tell myself that the mending whole was good as new.   
         What is broken is broken - and I'd rather remember it as it was at its
                    best than mend it and see the broken places as long as I lived.
                                                                                                                    ~Margaret Mitchell

For almost everyone, there are moments in your past, that are shattered. By mistake, by circumstance, by your own hand or the hand of another. Moments in our collected history that if given the choice, we would forget about. But our memories are long and instead of leaving the pieces as they fell, broken, we often find the need to fix them. Like a valuable glass vase that has shattered, there are moments and memories, spans of time from which we have come, that for some reason, we think with enough tears and glue we can somehow put it back together again and make it whole. What we fail to see is that, what has happened to us in  the past are the moments that led us exactly where we are today. Cause and effect, will always be a driving factor within our lives.  We can relive the past over and over and over again, make the same mistakes repeatedly, but what we will never be able to do, is fix it. It is over. You can not go back and undo what has already been done. You can't go back and be a different person, make someone different or change anything that has happened. Why would you want to? Everyone has something in their history that hurts, that makes them sad or angry, even fearful. But the thing is, is that it's over. You can't take your past and glue the pieces back together and think it good as new. Because not only will you only be able to see the brokenness of it, but it will never be as strong as it was when it was at its best.  You can't change what has happened, what you can do is learn from it, make peace with it, and then move on. 

I know that it is hard to accept. If only things had been different, if only I had this life growing up, if only if only if only.... Thing is, the "if onlys" of our lives are meaningless. They didn't happen, you didn't grow up in some idyllic setting, with Ward & June Cleaver as parents, it happens. It shapes you, it scars you and if you let it, it will overwhelm you.  The past can be like an evil merry go round if you let it, round and round you go, over and over and over, and if you never get off, you never move on, all you will able be able to do, is go in circles.  You can't fix something that was broken, you can't mend it and and glue it and have it as good as new, because it won't be. There will always be the scars from when it was broken. Eventually the glue will fail and it will all fall apart again. Better to leave it broken, see it for what it was and then work on making something better, something stronger. Make your future as you want it, shape it and then live it. Leave the past behind you, the lessons you learned take with you, but leave the ghosts and the hurt where it belongs. It has no place in your future. 

Accept everything there is about yourself, I mean everything. The beginning of your story, every chapter you have added since. Make peace with yourself. Make peace with what has happened in your life, in your past. Then leave it there. Someone once said, "I never told you life would be easy, I just told you it would be worth it."  Use that one foot you have planted in your past, to propel you to your future. Leave the broken pieces where they fell, take sometime to appreciate everything you have gone through, conquered and withstood, fell pride that you have gotten this fair and know that it doesn't end here. 

Take back control of your life. No excuses, no "if onlys", your past is not who you are, it is simply what got you here to this moment today. You got it from here, make it brilliant. 

   How does one know if she has forgiven? You tend to feel sorrow over the circumstance        instead of rage, you tend to feel sorry for the person rather than angry with her.
                                      You tend to have nothing left to say about it at all.
                                                                                                                                             ~Clarissa Pinkola Estes

A couple days ago, I was having a conversation with friends about forgiveness. About when it was the right time, right place, right frame of mind to offer it and actually mean it. At what point, do we forgive someone? Of course each instance where forgiveness is wanted or needed is different, the level of wrong, the extent of the transgression against us, determine our frame of mine when contemplating it. I have always thought that somethings in life are completely unforgivable, still do actually. But I have started to wonder, if in not forgiving and moving on, is not for the person who hurt us, wronged us, but ultimately, for ourselves. That by holding onto that anger, hurt and sadness, are we sealing off a critical part of ourselves that really needs to be healed?  In forgiving someone, are we giving them the power to hurt us again, or are we giving ourselves the power to move on?

As I have journeyed through life, I have been hurt and I have been wrong, just like you and everyone else in this world. I share this part of my journey only for perspective.  4 months ago, my mother committed suicide. Alone in a motel room, she decided that she no longer wanted to be a part of this life. At the time of her death, we were estranged. Had been for about a year. My life with her had been a struggle from the time I was a child until the day she died. Undiagnosed Bipolar Disorder, had robbed me of a mother I had so desperately wanted. What I got instead was a woman, who never admitted she was ill, that never saw the damage her illness created. She would build me up, only to tear me down. The lies and manipulations that plagued my childhood, I carry with me today. As a child I worshiped her, I believed everything she told me. I believed her when she made claims against others, against family members. I fought battles for her, I cried for her, I begged for her love. I sold my soul, my very being, to be the best daughter that I could be. Over and over again. It took me 32 years to understand that I would never be able to. I was in my twenties, when I realized that my entire life to that point, had circled around her. Her wants, her needs, her manipulations and lies. I had lost a huge chunk of my life, my self and my confidence. It is a hard reality to face when you realize that your mother is incapable of love. Her love, her attention came with a price and for years I had paid it. Until the time came, when I could no longer. I had shouldered the responsibility of her illness, her highs and her lows for too long. No one else but my sister saw it, no one understood. Outsiders thought we were the worst daughters in the world. She had told them that, and they believed.  There came a breaking point and it was in that moment, when I realized, I could sacrifice myself no longer. I let go, and I walked away. I carried with me, the hurt, the anger, the feelings of failure and defeat. I had tried and I had failed. I could not be the daughter that saved her mother from an illness that had controlled her for her entire life. You cannot help those, that do not want it. I harbored resentment and anger for the entire year we were apart. I needed to heal. I had a strong hope, that in losing me, she would see that she needed to face this, that she would find the strength inside of her, begin to understand her worth and fight a battle that only she could fight. I had hoped and dreamed, that she would become the mother I had always wanted. Bipolar robbed her of that which was her. It took from her the very core of her being and replace it with something that is completely opposite of who and what she truly was capable of being. Because her bipolar went untreated for so long, she spent many years looking in the mirror and seeing a person she did not recognize or understand. Not only did bipolar rob her of her sanity, but it robbed her of the ability to see beyond the space it dictated her to look. She could no longer tell reality from fantasy, and she walked in a world no longer her own. And as time went on, she pulled it around her like a blanket.  Never did she take responsibility for her own life, her own well being.  In death, as in life, both my sister and I shouldered the blame. 

Jeanette Walls said once “When people kill themselves, they think they're ending the pain, but all they're doing is passing it on to those they leave behind.”  With my mother;s death came, anger and sadness, shock and emptiness. And for the past 4 months I have tried to put the pieces in some semblance of order. But what I have come to the conclusion, that there are some things in life that will never make sense. Some parts of life  that the only thing you can do is make peace with.  Forgiveness means letting go of the past, It means letting go of the hurt and the anger and moving on. When you forgive, you in no way change the past - what you can do is,  change the future.

I want to get to that point when I think about her, with what she did and how life was with her. I want desperately to think of the happy times that there was, and to release the anger and the sadness. I know it has no place in the future. I think I finally get that in forgiving her, I can release the power of the memories  that hurt, that fill me with anger and sadness. I am releasing it and saying, no more.  

Not yet. Forgiveness, real honest forgiveness, doesn't happen over night. I find that with each day, with each thought of her, the anger has lessened a little, but the sadness, not so much. I will know when I am there, as you will. Forgiveness is not only anyone's schedule but your own. It is in your own time, on your own terms. But I am really starting to believe, that is something that eventually needs to happen.  I will never forget, but there will come a point when I forgive. For her, for myself and for the future.

Coming to forgiveness is not for the one that hurt you, it does not invalidate your hurt, what it does, is say that you no longer will allow the actions of another to hurt you, that you release all the pain and the anguish, because it is time. Because holding on to it, never gives you the space is needed to heal.  

  At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other people out. 
   They fence you in. Life is messy. That's how we're made. So, you can waste your lives 
    drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them. But there are some lines...
                                           that are way too dangerous to cross.
                                                                                                ~Meredith Grey 


When we set boundaries in our lives, we set limits not on others, though that's what we tell ourselves, but on ourselves.  We draw a line in the sand and say, do not cross. We do not allow people in for fear that they will hurt us. We have all been burned so many times, that these boundaries are more of a protective shield than anything else. But it is only in our mind. How many of you have people that simply disrespect the boundaries you have in place?  That do as they wish, when they wish and be damned with the consequences. Do you fight with them, throw accusations and demand they respect them? Do you hang your head and wallow in the unfairness of it. Do you draw that line in the sand and dare them to cross one more time? Which they do, always. Life is messy, it is unpredictable and uncharted and every day is something new.  Because if it isn't, well then you aren't really living. Maybe you have so effectively fenced yourself in, that you forgot how to get out? 

Don't get me wrong here, certain boundaries are important. Knowing what you will and will not allow in your life is sacred. Standing by them even more so. Not allowing people to cross the sacred ones and to stand up for yourself,  is highly critical. However, what is also critical is making sure that those same boundaries, do not fence you in from your own life.  What is also wicked important is making sure the boundaries that are set in your life are yours. Never operate within boundaries that someone else has set for you.  You alone are responsible, you are your own person.  I don't care if its your family, your spouse or significant other. Only you can set your boundaries, as only you can stand up for them.

Boundaries. Walls. Fences. Fortresses. To some extent we all have them. We tend to try and keep our lives as organized, logical and contained. We worry about others will do, we try to control situations and we build our walls higher when it doesn't work.  Effectively walling ourselves in  as we are trying to keep the world out.   Boundaries more often then not work against us. I am not talking major, this is my line and if you cross it, the consequences will be dire.. I mean the boundaries where we try and control everything and everyone, that when something does not go our way, we retreat and react.  I mean when something upsets us, makes us angry or sad and we react with everything we have inside to make it stop. Instead of stopping and for once realizing that we can not control, manipulate everything in life. That WE need to cross our own boundaries sometimes and realize that Life is messy, sometimes is hurts and sometimes it fires us up but it is up to us how we handle and react to it that matters. 

We are not made to live in tiny little bubbles. Life is going to happen regardless of what you think you can and cannot control. Why waste your time drawing lines in the sand, when you could be doing something so much more worthwhile. Like being happy. Like finding work you love and doing it. Like being confident and strong and realizing that you have the power over your own life and then do something with it.  We all need to stop walling ourselves in and walling life out. People are always going to things that upset us, we are always going to come across situations that break our hearts. Building stronger and stronger walls are never going to protect us from that. Life and all its ups and downs will continue to happen, the good the bad and the ugly. That is what makes it so amazing.  We all need to stop standing by a line that we drew in the sand and we need to cross it. We need to stop worrying about everything we can't control..and worry about the things we can. 

Don't live your life standing safely behind your walls. Go out and make mistakes, make a mess, make a fuss, make a noise, but most of all make the most of your life. 

Life isn't about keeping score. It's not about how many people call you and it's not about who you've known, know now, or haven't known at all. It isn't about who you've kissed, what you drive, or how much money you make. It's not about your shoes or your hair or the color of your skin or where you live or go to church. In fact, it's not about status, money, clothes, or sexuality. Life isn't about if you have lots of friends, or if you are alone, and it's not about how accepted or unaccepted you are. Life just isn't about that. But life is about who you love and who you hurt. It's about how you feel about yourself. It's about trust, happiness, and compassion. Life is about avoiding jealousy, overcoming ignorance, and building confidence. It's about what you say and what you mean. It's about seeing people for who they are and not what they have. Most of all, it is about choosing to use your life to touch someone else's in a way that could never have been achieved otherwise. These choices are what life's about. ~unknown

What do your life choices say about you? I am not talking about choice in what car or SUV you buy, what street or neighborhood you decide to live. I am talking about choices between wrong and right, doing good or doing bad. Being there for someone that needs you, or never taking the time to see the hurt of another and simply focusing on your needs. Or take it one level deeper, and always being there for others, but never for yourself. Your choices define the balance that you keep in your life. It is about the friends that you keep, the ones that you lose and the ones that you walk away from.  It is how you chose to react when faced with ignorance and hatred. Do you play into it, and escalate a situation, do you hold you head high and walk away. Do you stand up for someone when everyone else has walked away, or do you turn your back on them too? Sometimes the choices we make in life, seem almost forced. Do we sacrifice ourselves for another or do we stand up for ourselves and do what is right for us?  At times in life, the answer is clear, right in front of our face, but we chose to ignore it. We allow others to make our choices for us, as we stand to the side, passive in our own lives. It is not what we wanted, but it was easier then disrupting the status quo, or we were worried about what people would think of us. Or we are so tired of explaining our actions to people who will never understand, that we give in when we should stand firm.  Somewhere along the way, we lose our voice. 

Life is about who you love and who you hurt. It is about owning up to mistakes you make and owning the consequences. It is settling into your own skin and accepting who you are, your strength and your limitations. It is valuing both friends and strangers and learning to trust your instincts. Life is about stretching beyond your comfort zone and confronting your fears head on. Life is a conscious decision, and too many people live an unconscious life.   It is what you say and it is what you mean. It is also, in what you DON'T say. Life in the words you keep to yourself is opportunity, missed. If you see something wrong, change it. If you see someone hurting, reach out to them. If a close friend makes life decisions, that go against everything you believe, allow them their choices, and  walk away from them. Never try and force your will on another, your way may be right for you, but not for them. Sometimes another's life lessons aren't clear to us, and they need to get there on their own. 

Life is about seeing people for who they really are, not what you want them to be. Trust your instincts. Use your voice and make your own decisions. Your life is defined by the choices you make, today, tomorrow and yesterday. If you make a wrong one, admit it and deal with it, then move on. But make them. 

It is only when you exercise your right to choose, that you exercise your right to change, and remember, there is no life as complete as a life lived by choice.

                           Every one of my scars both inside and out, tell my stories.
                 Of how though wounded, I fought, I conquered and I eventually healed.
                       My scars make up who I am, who I was and remind me of how life
                                      can deal some nasty blows, but eventually I will heal.
                                                                                                        ~JVM
Life isn't always sunshine, rainbows, puppies and smiles. Actually more often than not, it can be downright dirty, unjust and unfair. Life can deal blow after blow and isn't always satisfied with just knocking one down, it needs to kick you a few times to drive its point home.  One tries not to take it personally, shit happens after all, but there are times when it seems to keep slapping you in the face saying, nope no happy for you today, or tomorrow or maybe even next week. You look around you and wonder, what did I do, to bring this upon myself? When your life is in turmoil, you have to wonder, why?  Doctors call with bad news, your children are failing, your wife is unfaithful, you are out of work and bills are stacking up. You tell yourself that it can't possibly get any worse and your car dies on the way home. You fight with your best friend, your family is attacking you for reasons you will never be able to fathom.. You want to crawl into a corner and wave a white flag at life saying, seriously.. enough already.  You get so tired that all you want to do is hide, because what is the point of putting yourself out there, when apparently you have a giant kick me sign on your back that everyone can see. Sound familiar?  You wake up in the morning and instead of being optimistic, the day in and day out of reality has you wanting to pull the covers over your head. You have had it, no more. Why bother?  Reality makes for a cold bed fellow though, your thoughts will swarm around inside your brain, as you search for some internal off switch. You get up anyway, because really, what else do you do? You dress and you have your coffee and you go about your day. Eyes cast to the ground because you do not want anyone to see the defeat in your eyes, the sag in your shoulders, your ever fleeting will to live slowly fading. But you go, you get up, you put one foot in front of the other and you brace yourself for what the day will bring.  Day in and day out it is the same thing. Little grievances add up, til one day you look in the mirror and say, screw it. You lose your temper, your emotions fire up and you get your fight back. You look yourself in the eyes and say enough. Cause see, your reality is what you shape. You have to have the balls to make the changes you so desperately need. You have to stand up for yourself, even if you are standing alone. Rid the people in your life that have no place in your future, shed the negativity and realize, that life can deal you blow after blow, but you can fight back. You get knocked down again and again, you get back up. Cause that one time you don't, the one time you accept defeat and not pull yourself together is the time it would have worked. 

Above all in life you must be true to yourself, if there is something in your life you cannot put your heart and your soul into, then take yourself out of it completely. Accept everything about yourself, I mean everything. You are you and that is the beginning and the end.. no apologies and no regrets.  Life may knock you down, it may bloody your nose and break your heart. But those pieces can be picked up, and slowly put back together, again and again til you get it right.  Bernice Reagon had it right when she said "Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are."

Who you are, who you can be, who you will be is not defined in the moments when you are on top, it is defined in the moments that you are at your lowest point. When you are one step away from throwing in the towel, but don't. When the walls are closing in and you are faced with uncertainty, with fear and filled with exhaustion, you become paralyzed for a moment and then you discover your strength. 

The journey of your life each day, begins with a single step. 

                    There is a destiny that makes us brothers: none goes his way alone,
                      All that we send into the lives of others comes back into our own.
                                                                                           ~Edwin Markham 

Have you ever heard of the Threefold law or Law of Return?  Basically it states that whatever energy a person puts out into the world, be it positive or negative, will be returned to that person three times. "Mind the Threefold Law ye should, Three times bad and three times good."  Meaning if you go out into the world and practice random acts of kindness, offer respect to others and treat people the way you wish to be treated, then with the Law of Return, it will circle back to you, 3 times more powerful.  Kind of, what goes around, comes around.  However the flip side of that is, if what you put out into the world is anger, negativity and hate, then that is what will return to you three times over.  One of the things that as I get older I realize more and more, is that as long as I live up to standards that I have set for my life, be and honest, hardworking, treat everyone with respect and kindness, then I can sleep at night knowing that I gave my best everyday.  Don't get me wrong though, not everyday is sunshine and rainbows, obviously there are days when I want to pull my hair out, scream unladylike words, and put people that are making me cranky into a headlock. Days like these make anyone cranky, but it is how you react and handle them that shows your true colors. I may do the unladylike words like a champ, but I deal with whatever is going on to my limit. I never allow anyone to push me past that line. Self control, is something I value immensely in my life. If someone disrespects me, I will call them out on it, or not, depends on the situation, but I will not let their disrespect or ignorance push me past the point where I drop to their level. 

Let Karma deal with all the people in your life that aren't worthy of your attention. Why worry about what they say or do? Let them carry on and make complete fools of themselves, while you live life to standards you set. Do what you will and harm none.   Why give anyone a second thought that doesn't deserve it? Work hard, be honest, stand up for what is right, do for others, smile at strangers and live the life you want. As long as you can sleep at night, then that is what matters.  Giving someone the power to rile you up over something that really in the scheme of things, doesn't matter, is simply a waste of energy. Remember how people treat you is their Karma, how you react is yours.   Their negativity, their disrespect and their lies will return to them threefold, your honesty and kindness is what will come back to you.  

Your actions are your only true belongings.  You cannot escape the consequences of your actions.  Your actions are the ground upon which you stand.  Edith Wharton says it well,  "People pay for what they do, and still more, for what they have allowed themselves to become.  And they pay for it simply: by the lives they lead."

Remember what you send out to the lives of others, will return to your own.

                  The only valid censorship of ideas is the right of people not to listen.
                                                                                            ~Tommy Smothers 

"The only valid censorship of ideas is the right of people not to listen" or read as the case may be. If you are here, right now reading my blog, then you made a conscious decision to do so. You clicked a link, typed the address or Googled Random Thoughts and poof there I was. You have the right to read what I have written, appreciate it, disagree with it, share it or happily click away. You have the right to stop reading, the right to never again come here. But what you don't have the right to do, is try and silence me.   I would never support the extinguishing of anyone's free speech. Regardless of how blasphemous, hateful or hurtful someones words are....it is their right in this country to speak them. It is also my right to counter their words with my own or to simply ignore them and walk away. I do not have the right to silence any ones words. If we start silencing those we don't want to hear....then we are on a slippery slope to eventually being silenced ourselves.

Recently I received an email from my husband's ex wife, which in itself is pretty friggin humorous, as we have no contact what so ever.  She wants to discuss and I quote "alternative solutions to my posts in a public forum".  Now don't get me wrong here, what I write about is at times benign, at times thought provoking,  at times sarcastic and occasionally I may hit upon a subject that is sensitive to some readers, but never do I write with malice.  And while I am a strong advocate for spirited discussions, what I am not about to let happen, is allowing someone else, especially one I have no respect for, dictate what I can and can not write about.  If something here offends you, bothers you, then you by all means, have, the right. to. stop. reading. 

I love the openness and comments I received on a daily basis from my readers.  Especially the ones that while maybe not agreeing with me, open the door for some brilliant discussions. Some of which have turned into amazing talks and spectacular insights.  I always try and keep an open mind and I have to say the depth that some of you have replied with, has truly touched me.  On the Random Thoughts Facebook page, I asked fans what they thought of me "censoring" my thoughts and words. The response was a pretty astounding hell no. It is my right to write about my life, my views and whatever my heart desires. A fact that will continue for as long as I have thoughts in my head and the strong desire to write 'em down.  

I may have the right to remain silent, I doubt I have to ability to do so.  Hopefully I will continue to attract readers that appreciate my work, who participate in the coffee talk and sharing of ideas. But please understand, if my writing bothers you or offends you, please just don't read my blog, visit my website or facebook page.  Move along. For my regulars, keep reading, my Randomness is just getting started. 

Now, where's my coffee?

          Are a woman's lies merely an indication of her own twisted reality or does she                                             consciously know she lying when she sets out to make herself look the 
                                    the perfect, innocent and injured party?
                                                                                                                                ~Tigress Luv

Reality.  A simple word, but one that for some, is so hard to face. Instead some will twist it, color it and shape it to fit into only what they can handle. What fits into the lies they have told the world, their family and most of all themselves.  They manipulate situations, lie and the sad part, not really for them, but the people are around them, is that they believe it. Honestly though I wonder, do they even realize that they are lying to themselves? Or is their perceptions of reality so distorted, so colored by the lies that they have told, do they actually believe it to be true?  

I refuse to play a starring in role in someone's fantasy world. If someone feels the need to try and control me, my life and the lives of people I care about, I have no time for them. You all know what I am talking about here, have all probably had one or two in your life that you have been faced with, The Narcissist. That one person that will twist reality to suit their needs, making everyone but them, look like the bad guys. That will play the victim role like an award winning actress, it get the attention they crave.  Their desperate need for control, shaping everything they do, say, and ultimately believe, is like a veil over their eyes.  They feel the need to bring people down, in order to validate their very existence. They are manipulators and control freaks, with no thought to anyone but themselves.  They are incapable of love, of any real feelings.  But rather are more in love with the impression they leave on others. These types of people are falsely in love with only those that believe in these false impressions, will only tolerate you as long as your play along with their fantasy, with their lies. When one sees through their facade, sees through the twists and turns of their lies, to the true self behind the mask they wear to the world, The Narcissist will often become outraged,  full of disrespect, disdain and contemptuous dislike for the one that dared look beyond what they wanted you to see. 

In essence, the Narcissist has mastered the power of words, without understanding the power of substance. That while they talk and they talk, their words, when probed, mean nothing. Just because you say the same thing 12 different ways, in a variety of flowery descriptions, does not make it reality.  For example there is this Narcissist I have the pleasure of dealing with personally, she will tell you that she is the most open and honest woman that walked the face of the earth. When in reality is she manipulative, pathological and lacks the emotional substance of a basic human being. This woman hates me, loathes me, I know this, everyone knows this. But yet in a communication she states how appreciative she is of me, how she respects me. Honestly I almost spit coffee out when I read that one line, as she has been nothing but disrespectful, with her lies and interference in things she as no place in. But this Narcissist makes it a point to make it her place, she puts control freak to a new level.  As long as people play along with her delusions, the false impressions she presents to the world, then she will pretend to be sweet and loving, key word there being pretend. Nothing in a Narcissist's world is based in fact, in reality. They will say the right words, but never be able to back them up. 

The sad thing is, the Narcissist believe their lies. I can't imagine a world where I would need to lie to myself in order to function. With me, what you see is what you get. I can back up my words and I do so by the life that I lead. I have follow through on my promises and hold a firm grasp upon reality. I imagine that it is a lonely existence waiting for people to see through the image to what lies inside, knowing full well that they will see the truth eventually and will walk away. When one bases a relationship, be it friends, lovers or family, on lies and manipulations, the truth will eventually come to light and the Narcissist will be alone. 

Draw the curtain, the fraud is over. Seriously though, if only it were that easy. May you all be immune to the deceptive words of your own Narcissists and may you have the joy of calling them out whenever you get the chance.