I have made mistakes. So very many mistakes. The path I have left behind me on my journey through life is littered with them. Pieces and fragments of things I should have done the right way and didn't. Debris of words left unspoken and scattered pieces of lost chances and missteps. My life is a culmination of my successes- yes, but, even more so, a culmination of the mistakes I have made. The successes gave me confidence. The mistakes - the mistakes gave me truth. The mistakes gave me lessons and those lessons made me stronger.

I left words unspoken, which in hindsight, should have been yelled out loud. I let too much time lapse between visits with friends. I have allowed inner wounds to fester for too long without attention. I have walked away and let fear guide my steps to imagined safety, when in truth, it was simply the easier thing to do. I have mistakenly trusted those I shouldn't have and not trusted some I should.

So many mistakes.

As the end of the year fast approaches I feel a sense of nostalgia settle into my soul . I always tend to do a “Life of Jenn” review at the conclusion of every year. I review choices and decisions made. Spend time reflecting on the new friends I have encountered and old friends who have made their way back. Scenes of the past year flash through my mind at odd intervals, like a video montage. I laugh, I cringe, I want to yell at certain memories and warn myself in others.

Hindsight.

I find I spend more time reviewing the mistakes than I do the successes - not to beat myself up over them, but to fully embrace the lessons. To absorb all I learned into my soul and life. Some of them, ok most, do not bring forth warm and fuzzy feelings. Some bring sadness, while others - anger. Some make me shake my head at some of the less than intelligent things I did, like not taking care of a knee injury for two months, which led to surgery and being laid up for twice as long.

One of the biggest lessons I have learned this year... I have to take better care of myself. Both physically AND mentally. I need to fully understand taking time and giving care to oneself is not a luxury but a necessity.  It is not selfish. It is not bad. It is reality. I can't help others if I allow myself to be broken, exhausted and overwhelmed. I can't give what I don't have and if I don't take time and care of myself - I will have nothing to give. This realization honestly, was hard for me to grasp. Worrying about myself always seemed so wrong, so selfish. I have learned - it is not.

I have learned it is a mistake to remain silent and expect things to change. Speaking my words and calmly stating what it is I need or want and what I will not tolerate - is a right not a privilege. I have learned while it is admirable and an honor to speak up for others, I am doing an injustice to myself when I do not do the same for me.  I have also learned I cannot expect things to be different or change if I remain silent. Silence can be seen as agreement and it is on me, and only me, to use my words. 

One of the biggest mistakes I have made this year - thinking people should change because I felt it was the right thing for them to do. Their actions and life choices, while at times affecting me, where really none of my business. I can't make people do the right thing. I can't make people behave in an acceptable fashion. What I can do - change the way I react to it. I do not have to get caught up in their drama or allow myself to be affected in any way. I have learned through this mistake the power of releasing negativity from my life, negativity which should never have been there in the first place.

I have learned holding onto sadness and regret hurts my heart in ways I never imagined. I learned how big of a mistake it really is to focus on what could-have-been, might-have-been or the infamous, if onlys. I have learned denying my emotions is just as bad. I can say over-and-over again I am doing ok with losing my mom and grandmother - but saying it doesn't make it the truth - I have to actually feel it. Learning to release my emotions out to the universe has been one of the most challenging to date - it has also been one of the most rewarding.

I have learned with real growth in life there is sometimes real growing pains. Letting go of certain situations or behaviors which have no place in my future, walking away from certain people and letting go of that which no longer serves my now or future, can and usually does - hurt. I have seen what a mistake it has been constantly second guessing myself in certain situations and learned the hard way - listening to my instinct is always the best course of action.  I have learned nothing is forever and it is a mistake to believe there is enough time for all the "some other days," I have uttered. 

Learning to trust the good in my life and the successes, is something I have failed at so many times. I have worked so hard to get to where I am today and I need to appreciate all of the good, which I do - but - and this is a big but - I have to trust in it. I feel some days when everything seems to be so positive and exciting and happiness is in my heart, I always seem to have one eye cocked looking for the bad to invade again. I have to stop this mistake. I have to live fully in the present moment. I have to learn and fully accept that I deserve the good. I have to learn to stop expecting anything less. Will bad happen? Of course. Will it break me when it does? Not a chance. I just have to stop looking for it and allow the peace I have worked so hard for - flow through every nook and cranny of my world.

As you walk through the last few days of 2013 and review all the good and bad you encountered, remember to keep looking forward. Identify what should stay in 2013 and what needs to be brought forth into the New Year. A year fresh and clean, without any mistakes or missteps, a brand new beginning, just waiting for you and all you can bring to it. Make it yours! Own this New Year and dare to dream, dare to explore and dare to take those first steps you keep talking yourself out of. 

2014 is your year! It is the year of new beginnings and exciting possibilities! But, only if you decide it is time to participate and not remain a spectator any longer. 

Will you make mistakes in 2014? Of course. Here's hoping not the same ones as you have in the past. New mistakes are lessons yet to be learned. New mistakes are life's way of bench-marking your progress so you can see how far you have come. Mistakes make the successes and triumphs that much sweeter and make you - smarter, wiser and stronger.

Here is to the New Year! 

May we make new mistakes and learn new lessons and may these mistakes lead us in the directions of our dreams. May we find the inner power to release that which no longer serves us and open our hearts and minds to the power inside of us just waiting to be released. We are so going to rock this year. I can feel it. 

Dare to Dream!! 

Personal Responsibility: Owning everything single thing about your life, your actions or inaction, your choices, beliefs and history. Stepping up to the plate of life and saying loudly; "I take full responsibility!" Then, actually following through. It is taking control of everything you touch, do, say or feel and honoring it. It is owning your mistakes, wrong choices, bad decisions and either making them right or doing better going forward.

It is the moment when you stop blaming and start accepting.
It is in the moment when you let the excuse die upon your lips.
It is in the moment when you stop lying and start telling the truth.
It is in the moment you look deep within and realize - it is you who needs to change.
It is in all of these moments when your life becomes your own.

There was a woman with whom I was very close and for years I watched as she placed the blame for everything wrong in her life firmly on the shoulders of those around her. Never once taking personal responsibility for any facet of her life. She would blame her children for robbing her of her youth, her husband for her unhappiness and various friends for never being there for her. She saw herself as taken advantage of and always felt let down by those she loved. She was a lost soul for so many different reasons - none of which being the people in her life.

She would blame the past for her present. She would blame her father, her mother, her sister and so on, for all that was wrong. She would cry and lament about the injustice of it all. Then, she would place the task of making her feel better onto her children. Expecting them to heal all which was broken and make life better going forward for her. She would place the responsibility for her happiness on their shoulders and then blame them for her tears. She failed to realize it was she who needed to take full responsibility for her life and happiness; not her husband, children or friends.

She never took personal responsibility for her life and she eventually broke because of it.  Until the day she died, she blamed everyone else for her decisions, her unhappiness and the life she never felt she had. She found scapegoats and excuses far easier to handle than taking the long and arduous journey of self-discovery. She never took control of herself long enough to understand the importance of standing on her own two feet and facing life head on. She never felt the pride of confronting her past and making peace with it. She never felt the feeling of accomplishment when she corrected a mistake or a bad decision. She never released the need to blame others for all that was wrong and thus - never took initiative to make things right on her own.

She was simply a bystander in her own life. 
She never realized she had the power all along.

We all have things inside of ourselves we wish were different. We all have stories we wish we could go back and change or fix. Hindsight kicks our collective butt every chance it gets and we feel powerless. We feel the need to play the blame game because blaming someone else for all that is wrong is far easier than looking at ourselves.

I am no different. A sudden epiphany for me the other day revealed I was reacting to a situation badly and instead of stopping and understanding why I was reacting the way I was, I placed the blame firmly where I felt it belonged - on my mother. Because of growing up with a bi-polar mother I have found certain situations trigger a emotional response which has nothing to do with present day and everything to do with my feelings toward my childhood. I realized with sudden clarity - I needed to release it.  I cannot hold today responsible for yesterday. I cannot hold someone in my present responsible for the actions of someone in my past. I need to take each person, each day and each situation on its own merits and deal with them accordingly. I need to release the knee-jerk reaction and take life as it comes.

You can't blame anyone else for how you handle any given situation.

We all draw from a wealth of experiences. From lessons we have learned, mistakes we have made and directions we chose to take. Ultimately, we made decisions, wrong or right, based on what we felt we needed to do at the time. We need to own them. We are not made of Teflon, the blame does not slide right off from us and on to the person we feel should own it. In essence, when we do so, we are handing all of our personal power to another person.  Think about that for a minute. When you place the blame on someone else - you are negating all of your personal power and giving it to them.  You are saying to yourself - they have more power over my life, my thoughts and my decisions than I do.  I have no control over anything and they have total control.

Why would you want to do that?

When I make a bad decision, handle a situation poorly or allow my past to dictate my future - I can't blame anyone for it BUT myself and while it may be uncomfortable saying I am sorry or taking steps to correct a wrong, I have to face it because I was the one who did it. If I go out and over indulge at dinner and get a tummy ache - who am I going to blame? The waiter? The chef?  Well, unless they were at my table force feeding me, no. I am going to blame my lack of will power. I am going to blame my hand for continually rising the fork to my mouth. Of course, at first, I may blame the fork - I am human after all.

Stop holding today hostage for yesterday. Stop blaming everyone else for things you have control over. If you need to be a better person - be a better person. If you need to change your lifestyle - change it. If you need to do some work on your life or situation in order to get where you want to be - do it. Stop blaming someone else and start taking responsibility for your life.  If you don't like what you see when you take an honest look at yourself - own it. Own it then work on making changes.

You had the power the whole time. Use it.