He made me a victim, yes. But, the moment I stood up and fought for myself, I stopped being a victim. At that moment, I became a fighter.
She wears her anger like a badge of honor. Her once bright, shining eyes clouded now with a spiteful vengeance. She bounces up and down on the balls of her feet when she speaks, unable to stand still any longer, and her entire soul vibrates with indignation. Her whole reason for being these days and what gets her out of bed each morning to face another day – is her rage.
It has consumed her heart, mind and soul.
The rage cycles into depression; the depression cycles into despair; the despair cycles into nothingness. Then, starts all over again. Never-ending. It’s eating her alive, and she does not see it. It’s like a drug addiction, the unsustainable need to fuel her fury, every single moment of every single day, and it’s slowly killing her.
Yet, still, she clings to it. Desperate for retribution. To hurt someone who hurt her badly. Revenge on the one who left deep scars on her soul; made her feel weak and who took her identity from her. She wants revenge. She wants to hurt him as badly as he hurt her.
What she is ultimately doing though is giving all of her soul to someone who has already showed nothing but disdain, disrespect and unconscionable hatred towards her. What she is doing is far more damaging to herself than it ever will be to the one who hurt her. Because, she is still, after everything he has done, giving him her attention, her emotions and her power.
I understand feeling the need for revenge. I understand the fiery ball of anguish in your belly, that boils and burns when someone who has hurt you seems to have Teflon skin. Nothing of the bad they do ever sticking to them, everything they have done to you and others appearing to always slide right off them with no consequences for their actions. I know that feeling, well. I know it, I’ve lived it.
I learned to let it go before it destroyed me.
When I was a child, I was the victim of sexual assault. The after-effects of this were far more damaging, I think than the actual assaults were. It killed any hope for childhood. It killed any innocence or wonder I had. I kept it a secret for many years in order to protect my family. Until the moment, I learned what it meant to take your power back, and I spoke the words needed to put him away for years. He made me a victim, yes. But, the moment I stood up and fought for myself, I stopped being a victim. At that moment, I became a fighter.
I was 10 years-old.
When someone hurts us; when someone violates our hearts, minds and bodies we become a victim because of their actions. However, when we hold onto what happened, cling to the anger, the depression or the feelings of helplessness, we become victims of ourselves. We perpetuate what happened instead battling our way back from the depths it sunk us to. We give into the fear, we bury the brokenness and pretend that everything is okay. We live on our anger. We say things like: “I’ve been destroyed!” “I’ve been violated!” “I am a victim!” “It isn’t our fault!” and while these phrases are accurate, it does not remove our responsibility to ourselves to make it right.
I am not saying forgive the son-of-a-bitch who hurt you. You don’t have to.
But, you have to release them from the clutches of your soul. You will never be able to hurt them as they hurt you because of the simple fact – you’re not a monster. You will never be able to play mind games with someone who mentally abused you because you aren’t broken like they are. You will never hurt someone who destroyed you in any way close to the way they hurt you because you are not evil, you are not an abuser and you are not capable of such deplorable actions.
However, you will hurt someone. You will annihilate someone. Because, what will ultimately happen – you will destroy yourself in the process. You will take the pieces broken by that person and you will continue to crush them. You will continue to be victimized because your soul has clutched hold of the two things that feel like vindication – your anger and your need for revenge.
Anger is best used to fuel you, not towards retribution, but, towards the one form of revenge they never saw coming – Healing and letting go.
Healing yourself is the sweetest kind of revenge. Releasing the damaged pieces left behind and taking your power back. Using that power to serve your soul instead of crushing it. Understanding that becoming a victim wasn’t your fault and not staying a victim is in your complete and utter control. Moving on stronger, smarter and more independent. Warrior. That is your revenge. Finding your happiness. Feeling comfortable in your skin. Living your life eyes wide open and full of love – the ultimate retribution. For it says that they did not break you and that they are not worth any more space in your mind or in your soul.
You will never be the same person. Abuse in any form changes you. Changes you in many ways but not all of them have to be atrocious. You will become more powerful than you ever thought possible because of the strength needed to bring yourself back. Your soul will solidify into something fierce and protective and will fight for what is just, right and admirable in life. You will have empathy for others in ways someone who has never been through something like you have will never be able to. You can turn the abominable thing that happened into something that changes not only you but others who’s lives you will touch because of your experience.
Break the cycle inside that is fueled by the need for revenge and the burning, all-encompassing anger. Make the conscious decision to stop perpetuating being a victim and take your power back from the one who hurt you. What you allow now, is what will continue. You had no control over what happened and though it is not your fault and you never asked for it to occur – take back your power and claim responsibility for putting the pieces back together.
The best revenge is a life well-lived.
Whole. Happy. Healed.
JV Manning's work and keep her in coffee ♥
©JVManning 2020 All Rights Reserved