My heart knew what I needed, and it wasn’t even close to what I had been thinking.
I needed a year of self-care. Of incredibly deep introspection and internal growth. I needed a year of practicing the lessons I have learned and putting them all into use. Instead of the year I had been planning, I got the year of the uncomfortable truths. Truths I needed, of course, but some that were overwhelmingly hard to acknowledge and, even more difficult to embrace.
It has been the year of breaking soul habits and a year of delving into my shadows and bringing everything, everything I found out into the light. This has been the year my soul decided to not allow me to get ahead of myself and to show me that there were many life lessons I was only paying lip service to. Lessons that I had only allowed myself to scratch the surface of because of how vexatious they were to me. Deep, life changing lessons I needed to dig into and implement throughout all facets of my world.
Life called me out.
I was challenged. I was pissed. I was in denial for a while.
But now, looking back, I feel more settled inside of myself than ever have before, and I know without the year going as it has, I wouldn’t be on such solid ground as I am now.
I have evolved, changed and grown so much throughout the past twelve months. Growth that never would have occurred had it gone the way I intended it. I get that now. Sometimes, while you are in the midst of life happening, you cannot see clearly how it all is helping you in the long run. Many give up before seeing it through. I can’t blame them; there were times when I very much wanted to bury my head in the sand. A time when I wanted to wave the white flag and give in. I didn’t need to evolve or grow anymore; I told myself. I was happy with things as they were.
Except, I wasn’t.
I wasn’t because I wasn’t living my truths. I wasn’t because I kept repeating behavior that wasn’t good for me. I wasn’t because I was making some of the same mistakes over and over again and wondering why nothing ever changed.
Nothing ever changed because I hadn’t fully embraced the lessons.
Which meant spending a year confronting the one person left standing in my way.
Talk about uncomfortable.
I’ve spent more time traveling within myself and not just the parts I am proud of, than I ever have. I’ve spent time in the shadows of my soul, casting light on parts I would have preferred to let lay dormant in the darkness. I’ve known without knowing that I often self-sabotage to play it safe. I’ve learned that there are many, many words I have swallowed that needed to be said because I allowed fear to control what came out of my mouth. I have seen how many times I allowed others to dictate my place in the world because I lacked the confidence to speak my truths and stand firm.
I didn’t realize my worth and fully appreciating that made me incredibly sad.
It also motivated me.
So focused I have been on helping others realize their worth and telling them how much they matter, I failed to tell myself the very same thing. All of my life, until the moment this epiphany bonked me on the head, has been spent worrying about everyone else in my personal life. I never gave myself any consideration. It was a week away in the woods, alone, that opened my eyes to the personal cost of living this way. I’ve been conditioned from an early age that nothing I wanted, dreamed or hope for mattered, and I tell you, breaking that conditioning has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do in my life.
But I did it, and everything else snowballed from there.
It’s time we all take an oath to live mindfully of not only our impact on the world, on our loved ones and friends, but also of the impact we have on our souls. Learning the lessons is pointless until you embrace the uncomfortable truths that they bring forth and make the needed changes. It is scary as hell, honestly. I have had some seriously unnerving conversations that could change the entire future for me. I’ve called people out on how they treated me and made it clear going forward it would no longer be tolerated.
I’ve not only challenged the status quo, but I've also blown it up a few times.
And you know what? The world didn’t end. In fact, it got a whole lot brighter. We are in control of our lives. How we react or how we chose to not react to whatever happens. How we speak the words of our soul and fully embrace the simple fact that we will get what we give – to ourselves. That it is no one else’s responsibility to take care of us.
This year may not have gone as I intended, but it went exactly as it was supposed to. Looking back in reflection I see that clearly now. Doesn’t mean I won’t set intentions for the upcoming New Year. Doesn’t mean I won’t set goals. It means that I will set my intentions and goals with a new drive. An eyes wide open, bring it on drive, I didn’t have before now.
Live your truths. Loudly and proudly. Know what you need and settle for nothing less. Speak the words of your soul because no one else can do it for you. Set your intentions and do whatever it takes to make your life exactly as you want it.
Address your uncomfortable truths for within them is the knowledge, the wisdom and the kick in the ass you probably need to face certain things in your life.