A few weeks ago I was asked to be on a radio show for a local station here in Maine, to talk about my work, my new book, life and whatever randomness we came up with. I was honored and agreed to do the show. The hostess asked poignant questions about my writing, my thoughts and of course about my love of coffee.

At one point we were talking about the things I write about. About how I take what I have gone through in life and use my experiences to fuel my words. When she asked about my feelings on all that I had gone through and all that I had to face during the course of my life so far, my response to her was simple - it is what it is.

It is what it is. 

I have taken responsibility for my life, my actions and my reactions. I have taken responsibility for the past, the present and the future. Sounds so simple but yet when you stop and look around you, taking responsibility for anything is a foreign concept for most. No one wants to own their mistakes. No one wants to admit when they are wrong and no one wants to step up and say, "Hey yeah that was me and I will take care of it."

Not in politics, not at work and most importantly, not in our own lives. 

It is within our own lives that taking personal responsibility is so important.  Yet, it is one of the last things a lot of us ever do. Whether it is dealing with your past, facing addictions, leaving a loveless marriage, facing circumstances that were out of your control, or where a bad decision or a slew of bad decisions that landed you in a place you never saw coming. Never once imagining your life could end up where it has - and instead of examining all it took to get you there, you fault everyone else, throw your hands up and say, "Not my fault." 

If it has to do with your life, regardless if it was outside forces initially that got you where you are today, it is totally your fault for not doing something about it now. It is your fault if you spend more time placing blame and lamenting on all that is wrong, with little to no time doing something to correct it. It is your fault if you do not take the necessary steps needed to actively heal your mind or body; to not seek help or to allow yourself to simply wallow in the unfairness of it all. Sometimes life is unfair. Sometimes something will happen and knock you to your knees. Of course you could stay down there – but do you really want to?

It is what it is.

There are so many things that happen in life that we simply just cannot control. Growing up for me was a series of events that I had zero to do with. But yet it affected every facet of my life whether I wanted it to or not. I could come up with a very solid litany of reasons why I couldn't possibly be happy, couldn't possibly go on, couldn't possibly be a well adjusted adult, and most of them would be valid reasons. But I won't. It is what it is and there is not a damn thing I can do to go back and change any of it - but I can take responsibility for my now, I can say, "Yes a lot of bad happened. Yes it helped make me who I am today. Yes it hurt and sometimes the ghosts of those memories haunt me, but I will not let them control my emotions, my life or my future." While I may not be able to take responsibility for what transpired, I damn well can take responsibility for the effects it has on my life today.  Do I want to be a shrunken shell of a human? Do I want to be afraid of taking chances? Do I want to be sad and miserable and hate the world?

Ummm, no. Make that a Hell No!

I want to own my life. This means taking responsibility for it.... All of it. 

Don't get me wrong here; I have made my fair share of mistakes. Typically my mistakes are pretty colossal - epic is a good word and I would like more than anything to blame them on someone else. Like when I was 16 and started smoking - after years of watching every family member I had light up, it seemed like the thing to do. It wasn't. I knew all the warnings knew all the health risks and with no one forcing that Marlboro into my mouth I still decided that lighting up was a good idea. Do I blame the smokers in my family? Nope. Because I made that choice. Have I quit yet? Nope. Whose fault is that? Mine again.  Every time I fail at quitting - initially finding any excuse that seems plausible at the time (it isn't) it is my fault for giving up. Not the stress, not someone firing me up and making me angry or whatever - it was that I simply gave in and smoked another one.

Death. Divorce. Job Loss. Abuse. All are tragic events that can happen, sometimes without warning. All elicit some serious emotional and physical trauma in life. Losing a loved one can be like losing a part of your soul, the breaking up of a family can be devastating, losing your financial means is scary and recovering from any type of abuse can be earth shattering. You had no control over what happened, and it is most definitely not your fault - it is what it is. It happened. It was one of the bleakest and darkest moments of your life. And though you had no control over what happened and though it is not your fault and you never asked for it to occur - it is your responsibility to put the pieces back together and make yourself whole once more.

Is it fair, no. Is it necessary, yes. It can also be extremely empowering when you suddenly realize that you do have control, especially after feeling like you have lost all of it. Because, you do have control.  You have control to pull yourself up. To face what has happened and to make peace with yourself. Sure, you may stumble and fall a few times, but don't look around for excuses. Instead pick yourself up and vow to begin anew. As many times as it takes until you get to where you want to be.

So what if you make a mistake? You are human. So what if you don't get it right the first time? You are healing. So what if you are alone and scared? You will begin to discover that you are your own best motivator when the end result is a happy and content life. You owe it to yourself to take full responsibility in getting there. No one else has that power, except for you. Harness it and do what needs doing. Stop finding excuses for all the reasons why you can't and start finding all the reasons you can.  Embrace your responsibility to yourself. Own your life and all of your experiences. Dig deep; face your fears and your sadness.

If you do all of this. If you take personal responsibility for your life, I promise you, that one day your answer to a question about all you have faced in your life will be –

"It is what it is - and it did not break me."

Snarky. The Urban Dictionary defines snarky as meaning short tempered or irritable and I find this definition apt for my mood the past couple of weeks. I do not like to write when I feel snarky, as I have a tendency to rant and no one needs to read that. But then I got to thinking, how many times in your life have you felt snarky and for good reasons, only to keep your mouth shut about it so as not to ruffle any feathers?  Probably a lot.  Probably too much. If you are like me you have had many moments where if you had bitten your tongue any harder to keep the words from falling out of your mouth, you would have bitten it clean off.

I am not by nature an irritable - short tempered person. But, I find that there are certain types of people, certain situations and certain things in life that bring the snark out of me whether I want it to come or not. Things that never fail to bring out the snark - people who cannot grasp the concept of responsibility and people who blame everyone else for their misfortunes. I also find that I have no patience for power trips and people who feel that putting others down, making up stories about or disrespecting others, somehow makes them more important than anyone else.  I also tend to get irritable when life has me running in a thousand directions and I can't squeeze in time to write, more so when it is because others are not doing things that they are supposed to and in turn forcing me to handle things that I shouldn't have to. 

But that's life right?

Sadly, yes at times it is. Doesn't mean I have to like it. Doesn't mean I have to keep quiet about it either. Each and every one of us gets snarky and each one of us knows our triggers too. The question is how to handle them.

One of my biggest triggers is when someone will not take responsibility for their own life. The person who spends more time complaining about things, circumstances, their health, finances or whatever, and no time actually doing something about it. The person that blames everything and everyone else for all that is wrong with their life and never stops to think, "Hey maybe if I changed this, worked more, or fixed myself, my life would get better."  What I have learned is that no matter how hard you try, how much you do or support you offer, you cannot help someone who refuses to help themselves. Also, and this is a big thing, if you keep doing, fixing, taking care of everything - they will never do it on their own. Why would they? So simply put - stop. Just like that. Maybe they step up and handle their own life, maybe they find someone else. The point being it will no longer be you. 

Another trigger for me personally is people who constantly put people down, lie about others and try to discredit people they view as a threat. Call them haters, call them doubters, call them bullies or whatever, the hate they spew speaks volumes - not about you, but about themselves. I was talking to a woman the other day who is dealing with a situation with another woman who constantly spreads lies about her. She doesn't even really know this woman but has to deal with the fall out of what she is saying all the time. She was irritated at the fact that nothing would stop this woman. Nothing she did, nothing she said was going to stop this woman from trying to discredit her.  I just looked at her and said; "Is what she is saying true, no. Are you speaking up for yourself when confronted with her lies, also no. Then what you need to do is call her out or make sure the people who matter know the truth, and just let it go." She looked at me kinda funny when I said the last part. But here is the thing - You cannot control the actions of anyone else in this world. You can only be responsible for you. Your reactions to this type of behavior will dictate the quality of your life. Make sure those who need to know the truth about you or a certain situation do and then walk away. These people are not your friend. Even if they were at one point, they aren't once they do this. You don't need them and you don't need their crap in your life. It is entirely up to you, so use your power and deny them the ability to affect you, hurt you or control how you live.

I don't like feeling snarky. This feeling tends to block my writing muse, make me tired, snappy and all around cranky. I don't like feeling cornered either by the actions of others forcing me to either put up or shut up about things that are making me this way. I know that I need to work on patience with certain situations. Patience with myself too, as I often have to learn, relearn and re-relearn that I may not be able to control how certain people act, but I can control how I react to them. I need to learn that if I am constantly running in circles and never seem to have enough time - it is MY personal responsibility to see that I get the time I need.  If that means leaving the dishes in the sink or a messy living room, so be it. 

I am also learning - it is entirely ok to put yourself in a time out. To put everything down for however long you need and walk away to get your head straight. If other people don't understand, well then, that is their problem. If you are feeling overwhelmed, over-tired and just damn plain old snarky - put yourself in a time out. Figure out what is causing you to feel this way and then, do something about it. Remember that it is you that holds the control over your life, stop giving it away to everyone else.

For the record, I have also found that screaming into pillows occasionally helps to relieve some tension, as does going for a drive with the windows down and the music up. But stop bottling it up. It is not healthy, it is not fair and it sure as hell isn't going to solve anything. Get proactive and rid those snarky causing people from your life.

Now, I have dishes to do. Sigh.

The older I get the more like my grandmother I become. This in itself is totally not a bad thing, except she was always awake before the sun even thought about getting out of bed and apparently I will be too. I wake up at 4 in the morning - every morning - whether I want to or not. I stumble downstairs, blindly find my coffee pot, pour my first cup and settle into my corner of the couch. When this first started happening I was really not ok with being up before the rest of the world. But, as time has gone on, I have come to treasure these moments of my day that are entirely my own. I don't have to be anywhere, do anything, or take care of anyone. I am not distracted by ringing phones, laptops, deadlines or the busy that is my life. It is really the only part of my day til late at night that it is just me, my coffee and my random thoughts.

It was during one of these mornings recently that my thoughts decided to take a random trip down memory lane. The past is not something I visit normally. I lived it once and I really don't need to relive it again. But for some reason my subconscious - which is undeniably way smarter that my conscious brain - saw the need. Funny how when we stop distracting ourselves for a few moments what our brain brings forth for us to think about. It usually isn't something you want to be thinking about, but probably something you should be thinking about, at least for that moment.  

I think what triggered this stroll down memory lane was an off-the-cuff comment a guy made to me during a conversation the day before. About people seeing who you are today and having no idea what it took to get you there. Every trial, life lesson, heartache and struggle you faced. Made me look at where I am today and step back to trace my journey here.  For it is not just strangers that do not appreciate all that you have overcome, but it is also ourselves that do not stop long enough, and occasionally pat ourselves on the back for what we have accomplished.

We made to it to today. We made it to this very moment. For some this is a milestone in itself. Those that wake up in the morning and never know what the day will bring forth. The ones that wake up and only open one eye in order to peer out to the morning and see if the bad is waiting silently next to the bed. Or the ones that wake up every morning with a sickness, facing a day of pain, medications, doctors and procedures. The women who wake up next to their husbands never knowing which man will show up that day. The caring partner or the controlling, abusive monster? For some just getting through each moment is an accomplishment worth noting.

I have had moments in life when just making it through the day in one piece felt like I climbed the tallest mountain. When what I faced on a daily basis by all means should have dropped me to my knees, head bowed and arms thrown up, saying "I quit."  But somehow - I made it through each and every one of them. Not because I am anyone special. Not because I have secret powers or magic cape - but because somewhere buried inside of me, I believed in the other side. 

The Other Side.

When I was nestled into my corner of the couch, blanket drawn up around me and coffee in hand - I time traveled in my mind a bit. I was feeling anxious about the future and all the new things that I have in my life now. Awesome things. Exciting things. Things I had only dreamed about, where slowly coming to fruition. I was having a hard time believing in the good and that bothered me. See, I know where I came from, what I overcame, fought and dealt with, to get to this moment. But apparently I needed to remind myself the journey to the Other Side actually happened, I can trust in it.

Finding the Other Side took me over 30 years. I didn't even know it existed. To me the Other Side was a myth. Mired in life, no hope for the future and lacking the ability to see beyond my now - even the thought that someday everything would be different, be better, would make me laugh out loud. The sheer craziness of the thought would have me shaking my head, dropping my shoulders and continue to solider on to what I was facing at the time. I didn't have time for fairy-tales. 

I sat there that morning and traveled the roads that led me to here and now. From the philandering drunk father, to finding out when I was 21, he wasn't really my father, to meeting my real father and finding out I have 5 brothers and sisters I knew nothing about 10 years later. To spending decades locked in my mother's mental illness, never knowing day-to-day which woman I would get. And on through the years of unhealthy relationships, periods of self-imposed isolation from the world, bad decisions, and self-loathing. The tenacity I hated myself with for so many of those years, leaves me breathless.   The losses, the battles, the never ending cycle of bad that was life. I played my history like a video montage in my mind, seeing everything clearly as if it was someone else's life.  

When I came to the last few years I stopped for a moment. The sun was peeking through the trees and the quiet in my living room was calming. I sipped from my steaming cup of coffee and focused on its warmth in my hand. The past 3 years have been the culmination of all of it. The breaking point coming with my mother's death. The shock of her suicide, the devastation and the overwhelming urge to make sense of it all - was the final act. It was not as I wanted. It was not what I had envisioned. But it was the hand that life dealt me and I was left holding the cards with a decision to make. Do I hold? Do I fold? Do I play them?

I couldn't hold on to them. I refused to fold. So, I played them. What I won from that hand was - the other side.

So many of you are facing daily struggles that not many in your life see. Abusive relationships, depression, addiction, family problems, and illnesses. Life. It can be so hard to see the end game because you are too busy trying to make it through the day. It seems never ending. It starts to feel like this is the life you are supposed to have and that it will never get any better. That you are destined to suffer through whatever it is you're facing and that is just how it is. But take it from me, for it is one of the only things in life that I am 100% sure of -  You will get to the Other Side of things eventually. It may not happen in a way you ever wanted. It may not happen tomorrow. It may break your heart and your spirit in the process, but you will one day pick up those scattered pieces and build a life that you want. That you deserve and that you control. You may need to make some scary decisions; you may need to go out on your own, take some chances and stand firm for what you want, what you need. But never doubt that you will get there. 

When I finished my coffee that morning I realized with startling clarity something I had been missing all along. I had done it. I had found the Other Side. All the struggles, all the sadness and all the loss had led me here. I just needed to see it. I needed to believe in it.

Maybe you are getting there; maybe you have taken the steps to get to where life is good. Maybe, just maybe, you are already there and just like me - didn't realize it. Wherever you are on your journey, however bad or how hard a struggle it is - know in your heart and soul this one thing... The Other Side exists.  You will get there and you will be content. You will be happy and safe. You will feel the one emotion so many of us gave up long ago - hope.

Promise