Perfection is a myth. 
The only perfect thing about us is our perfect ability to make mistakes. 
~J.V. Manning

The other day I was in my kitchen just finishing up lunch. As I got up from the table to take care of the lunch debris my mind was mulling some things over and I put the milk in the microwave and my leftovers in the cabinet. I would like to say that I noticed my mistake right off. But I can't. Truth be told it wasn't until a few hours later when I went to reheat a cup of coffee that I found the milk.  I can't blame a senior moment- I am only 35. I can't blame it on anything really, so instead I laughed. A real deep belly laugh and continued on with my day. Wasn't the first time and sure as hell won't be the last that I do something so incredibly stupid.  Like for instance making a pot of coffee and forgetting to put the pot underneath so that the coffee goes EVERYWHERE. Or forgetting there is a door to my office when I get up to make my way to the copier and walking into it. The door has only been there forever. Or maybe the time when I forgot to put the cover on my travel mug and poured hot coffee all over the front of myself.

Apparently I am human. Therefore I make mistakes. 

Usually when I have one of my "Jenn Moments", as my husband calls them, it is witnessed by a bunch of people who all ending up laughing- at me. I could berate myself for my missteps; call myself names and beat myself up for being dumb. I could. But I don't. Instead I laugh at myself and shake my head. Swear that I will stop daydreaming and focus more on the mundane tasks I have before me. But I don't. 

We are human. Being human means we make mistakes. We trip over imaginary cracks in a parking lot and fall flat on our face. We miss our mouth when eating and get stains on our shirts. Sometimes we forget things. Sometimes we burn dinner. Sometimes we make “grammer erros” and typos when writing or mix word order up because we are thinking faster then we can type. We sometimes say things out loud that we only meant to keep as thoughts and sometimes we put the milk in the microwave instead of the refrigerator where it belongs.  

Sometimes we make mistakes.

Big ones. Little ones. Funny ones. Oh! No! ones. Mistakes come in all shapes and sizes. There are relationship mistakes. There is morning after mistakes. There is having too many margarita mistakes. The I-should-have-tried-harder-mistakes. There is the blowing your budget mistakes and the fighting with your friend mistakes. The not admitting when you are wrong mistakes. I could go on- but I think you probably get it.

Perfection is a myth. The only perfect thing about us is our perfect ability to make mistakes. We make mistakes that hurt. Sometimes the mistakes we make have some serious repercussions. We make big mistakes that cost us emotionally, mentally, and monetarily. We regret them. We go over and over what we should have done differently, said differently, and how we could have reacted differently. We second guess everything that led up to the mistake and allow the coulda-shoulda-woulda to take over. We berate ourselves for our mistake. Vow to make it right or vow to never do it again. It eats away at us and causes fear. Sometimes we let that fear take over our minds and control our actions. We allow the fear to stop us from trying again because we are convinced we will make another mistake. We fear saying sorry. We fear owning up to our mistake. Often choosing to walk away from the fallout of what we have done because it is easier then admitting our error. We blame others. We find excuses and in turn; fail to see what it taught us. We fail to see beyond the mistake to how it can make us a better person

Failing to own the mistakes we make in itself is a mistake.

Once I walked out of my house and pulled the door closed behind me. It was locked. No one was home and there I stood on my deck, no shoes on, looking into my home knowing that unless I shattered the window- I wasn't getting back in. I was furious. Furious at the door, the lock, and the unfairness of it.  I had things to do and places to go. It wasn't part of the day I had planned. I was angry at everything- but myself. I wanted back inside to something that my mistake had locked me out of. I did not have a secret key or magical power to make the situation go away. I wasn't going to break in. I had to suck it up and walk a mile in my socks to where there was a spare key.

I made the mistake. I had no one to be mad at but myself. But instead of standing there wailing at the injustice of it all. I pulled myself up and did what I had to do to make it right. It was painful- walking a long stretch of road with no shoes on. It was humiliating to have to ask for the spare key because of what I had done. But in doing so I was let back in.

Same thing goes with mistakes in life. We have to own them. Stop making excuses and do what we have to do to make it right. We have to laugh at ourselves. We have to stop being so quick to point out the mistakes that others make and focus only on the ones we make. No one in the life is perfect. No one will ever be perfect. So why do you berate and hate on yourself so much when you make a mistake? Making mistakes means that you are living your life. Your life that is not defined by your mistakes. Your life is defined by how you handle your mistakes. Sometimes the mistakes that we make are disguised opportunities. Opportunities to find ways that work, ways to become better or stronger and opportunities to get it right.

Those that can laugh at themselves will never cease to be amused. Those that can own their mistakes and become better for them- will never cease to be respected. Stop beating yourself up when you make a mistake. Learn from it and let it go. Carry the lessons your mistakes have taught you but leave the mistake itself behind. 

Live and  learn then- let it go. 

I have forgiven. I have moved on and moved past so many things. I am proud of how much light I have in my life and how much happier I have become.
But I will never be a turn the other cheek kind of woman.
~J.V. Manning

Some of my most philosophical conversations have happened driving down the road. Either running errands, heading to some random destination or just out for a drive. If I am lucky there is someone else in the truck with me and I am not just talking to myself. Though to be honest that happens too. I don't know if it is the open road in front of us, the sense of freedom that being in a vehicle can give you or the fact that for at least the time you are moving- you are kinda trapped. 

My husband and I got into a pretty deep conversation the other day driving down the road concerning a comment one of my followers had made on the Random Thoughts Facebook page. This particular comment had stuck with me all morning long and I had been rolling it around in my mind.   The comment said- "One of the hardest things in life is learning to love those that have wronged you. To find a place in your heart for them." The comment went on a bit but it was these lines that had me thinking and questioning some truths that I hold pretty close. If someone hurts me, wrongs me or someone I love- why in the hell would I want space for them in my heart? Why should I have to learn to love them?  I know the whole turn the other cheek thing- but honestly have never bought into it. So driving down the road I asked my husband a simple (or so I thought) question; "Is there anyone in your world that you hate? Really hate. Not strongly dislike or could do without ever seeing again. But someone who has wronged you or hurt you so bad that you can't help but have hate for them?" I explained the comment and how it had me thinking about the roles various people have taken during the course of my lifetime. There have been many angels at one point or another. But there had been a few villains too. 

He thought for a while before answering and as the truck was eating up the miles he finally said; no. There wasn't really anyone he hated- really hated. That there was a handful that he strongly disliked. A few that he would be ok never seeing again. That for the most part if any of them were to come to him and apologize for whatever they did that hurt him; he would probably just let it go.  So I went a bit deeper and asked him if he thought he could find a place in his heart and love for the ones that he "strongly disliked?"  He kinda looked at me a bit and said; "As with anything in life there are limits."

At this point he turned the question back on me and asked me why this particular comment had my thoughts turning. To be honest all morning long I had asked myself the same thing. I think it was because it kick-started a self inventory of where I was at this point in my life. How much I had come to let go, make peace with and move on from? And how much anger and hurt was I still grasping a hold of?

Did I believe that I could come to have love in my heart for those that had wronged me? Did I even want to, need to or have to? Did turning the other cheek make me a better person?

My conclusion- No, I don't and no, it doesn't. 

I spent some time lost in my thoughts before answering him. I thought about the concept of hate. Of how too much can consume and eat away at you. I thought about the very few people that topped my list of "strongly dislike" and what brought them there. I found that, like my husband, if any of the few that made my list were to come to me and talk about what had happened I would probably be apt to let it go and just move on from it. All except for one.

It was "the one" that had me thinking.

I do not have room in my life for hate and for the longest time I really only felt pity for "the one". That because of the miserable life they had created for themselves, they felt the need to tarnish the lives and happiness of others. Even after countless lines and boundaries had been crossed; it still took me a long time to get to the point of openly admitting that I actually hated “the one”. But once that line was crossed I had to be honest with myself. I could find no love, no acceptance for this person. They had caused too much damage, too much destruction and caused too much loss.  I am human after all and my hate is a valid emotion. It is also an emotion that can consume you if you let it. I refuse to let it take over my life. Instead choosing to honor it. Because it is an authentic feeling and deserved of attention- just as love is.

Who honors hate? 

A person who understands that there will be people in our lives that hurt us, bully us and push us beyond limits we didn't even know that we had. But they can only break us if we allow it. If we constantly swallow the anger, the hurt and the negative emotions that these people cause and let them build and build; we are giving them too much room in our heads. We will eventually break and in a rush of built up anger that will serve no purpose. But if we honor the hate we have. Understand it. Make peace with it and grasp that it is a valid emotion; an emotion that we do not need to hide or be ashamed of- we in turn release its power. 

See where I am going with this?

Stop and ask yourself the same question that I asked my husband. "Is there anyone in your world that you hate? Really hate. Not strongly dislike or could do without ever seeing again. But someone who has wronged you or hurt you so bad that you can't help but have hate for them?"  Be honest with yourself. If you are like him and have just a list of "strongly dislikes"- then awesome. But if you are like me and you have your "the one", the time to confront it is now.

But confront it within yourself. Identify all that led up to causing you to feel this way. Spend some time examining everything this person has done to you. When you feel that rush of anger; let it come. Then- Let.It.Go.  You are not a bad person, you are not a negative person and you are not wrong. If in your gut you feel this, then for you it is truth. Honor it. But at the same time, see it for what it is. An emotion that eventually you may or may not let go of. But you will not swallow it any more. Because by letting it out into the light you diminish its power. Make peace with it and then move on from it.

I have let go of so much in the past few years. I have forgiven. I have moved on and I have moved past so many things. I have made peace with the past.  I am proud of how much light I have in my life and how much happier I have become. But I will never be a turn the other cheek kind of woman. I know that. I am ok with that. Simply because I value myself enough to know and value my limits and my boundaries. I call it self-respect.

Respect yourself.

Never be afraid of making mistakes. Never be afraid of finding out the wrong way to do or handle things. It wasn't wrong. It was just one step in finding the perfect balance
 for you and your life. You make adjustments every time you fall. 
~J.V. Manning

This was a dream I had the other night. I was the woman that walked out into the spotlight and in front of a crowd of people, each with a different expectation of me as I began to walk across the tightrope. Slowly, placing one foot in front of the other I made my way across. Knowing that if I should stumble, second guess myself or bend too far to one side I would fall. And there was nothing below to catch me. 

I woke up thinking about the dream. To me it represented life and the tightrope that we all walk every single day of our lives. I think a conversation I had with a good friend of mine over coffee the other day is what prompted my dream. She was talking about how she knew she needed to take that first step into the unknown as she begins a new chapter in her life. How she can feel everyone she knows watching to see if she falls or succeeds in making her way across. Some of the pressure she is putting on herself but some is from the people in her life. She knows that she has to take that step. That for her foreseeable future she must juggle life on her own, her children, her new job and face some life lessons. All without a safety net. She is scared of falling. 

We have all walked that tightrope of life. Trying to maintain our balance while forces outside of our control push and pull us in different directions. Making us struggle to stay one course and not plummet down. But it is not always outside forces that threaten to knock is off our balanced walk.  Sometimes it is within us.  Another friend of mine suffers from depression. Life is a daily walk across the tightrope. Too far to the left and she will fall into the depths of despair and too far to the right leads to manic over the top behavior.  Both eventually resulting in a sudden crash to earth that can take months to overcome.  She struggles every single day to maintain her balance while living her life. She knows that it is only she that can control whether she stays balanced and that no one can walk that tightrope for her. With each crash and burn teaching her to see what helps to keep her balance and what helps to push her over.

Life is nothing more than a balancing act. And the lack of a safety net is reality. There will be times when you let yourself get out of balance. Focusing too much on the bad so that you get pulled down. Or loading yourself with so many things to juggle that you get weary under the weight of it all and it pulls you over the side. But over time and with experience you can learn ways to balance all that is expected of you.  You can find ways to balance your moods, your responsibilities- your life. The key component though being that you have to take that first step out. You have to still your fear of falling and you have to just get on it. 

Never be afraid of making mistakes. Never be afraid of finding out the wrong way to do or handle things. It wasn't wrong. It was just one step in finding the perfect balance for you and your life. You make adjustments every time you fall. You pay attention to what caused you to become unbalanced and you then take the necessary steps to avoid it in the future. 

Going through life trying to maintain that perfect balance is exhausting. It is so tempting at times to just not. To wallow in sadness and grief. To not pick yourself up because to do so means you may fall again. It cripples your ability to walk without fear of falling if you never even try. Kind of like when a toddler takes first steps. Stand Up. Fall Down. Stand Up and take that first step. Fall down. Each time getting the hang of how to do it. Same thing goes for you and I. We have to figure out all the wrong ways before we find the one that works for us. But if we never take that first step out onto the tightrope- we can never learn what helps us with our balance.

Like the women in my dream; I know at times it feels like the spotlight light is on you. That the crowds-or you friends and family- seem to stare at you expectantly.  You have to tune them out and find your own rhythm. Don't bog yourself down in needless things to juggle. Don't bog yourself down with second guessing yourself. Build your confidence with each step. The tightrope gets easier to navigate if you attack it head on. You will get to the other side. Daily as the case may be.

Be your own safety net. Use your strength and your experience to cushion you when you fall. But use your heart and your mind to get back up again. And your courage to begin anew. Knowing that all the mistakes have only shown you a better way to do it. A more balanced way.

After all life often resembles a circus. Don’t ya think? Some days I think I am stuck in the freak tent myself. But that is a whole ‘nother blog. 

A few years back a friend gave me a bookmark. On it was a picture of an angel and the quote from Kobi Yamada; "Sometimes you need to take a leap of faith and build your wings on the way down". This quote that has stuck with me all these years. Usually popping into my head when I am in the process of talking myself out of doing or starting something that could potentially change my life.

Why are we more often our own worst enemy instead of our own very best friend?

Fear.

Fear of change, happiness, failure or whatever we can conjure up in our minds, which give us an excuse to put the brakes on life's possibilities. If we never take that step then we will never fall flat on our face. We fear the unknown and therefore block ourselves from learning something new before we even get started. We fear letting go of the past and moving on. So we block ourselves and get creative with excuses to justify it. Trying to convince not only the world but ourselves that it is the right decision to not take that leap. 

But it is not just changing that so many are afraid of or trying new things. People fear life itself. They do not trust in it, in their happiness, their abilities or the future. They fear moving on from the past. They fear moving on from love lost, relationships that have ended, their grief or their memories. Simply because moving on from these things will lead them into the great unknown where they could get hurt again and open themselves up to feeling emotions that they long ago sealed off in self preservation. So they draw protective shields around themselves and plant their feet and shroud their life in sadness, grief, anger and frustrations- because these are the only things they trust and believe in.

You become a prisoner of your circumstance. Denying yourself the freedom of releasing it all and taking a leap of faith so that you can move on and be happy. Move on and allow the light back into your life. You say that you can't. That it is too soon or that you could never open yourself up to the chance. The chance of losing again or exposing yourself to the possibility of getting hurt. You allow the darkness of your fear to take over while holding the key to the chains that bind you the whole time. You are not helping yourself. You are not protecting yourself. You are only short changing yourself. 

There is nothing to be gained in hiding behind your fear. There is nothing to be gained but wrapping yourself in guilt and sadness. And everything to be gained in releasing it so that you can take that leap of faith and build your wings on the way down. There is no shame in laughter, no shame in wanting to allow the light back in. There is no shame in saying your peace once and for all to what has hurt you, taken away your life and rendered you a shell of who you once were. By saying good bye to it and making peace once in for all with what has happened to you, you turn that key on the lock to the chains that bind you. You begin releasing your fear and you begin making that turn to the light.

 The light of your tomorrow.

It is scary releasing your sadness and shrugging off your fear and moving forward.  You believe in your sadness and trust in your fear because it feels right. The worst has happened and by not moving on from it, it can't happen again. You hold tight to your feelings of guilt and scoff that you could ever be happy. You have lost so much. It would be a disservice to the one that died. You cringe at the thought of loving again- once burned twice shy. You trust more in the bad that has happened then you ever could in the future of possibilities.

Seriously. Enough.

Your relationship ended. Probably badly and you have more "love" wounds than you care to admit.  Or you lost someone that you loved so much, whose death has rendered your heart empty. You will never smile or feel whole again, you say to yourself.  And you won't if you keep stopping yourself.

Release it. Once and for all.

Allow the light back in to your life. Unlock the chains that bind you and LEAP! Release your fear of the unknown and make room in your heart and your life for happiness. Trust that while bad happens- good does too. Know how I know that? Because when you release the fear- You put good back into to the world by simply being a part of it.


Take that leap of faith and build your wings on the way down. You will fly before you know it.

There are times in life when you either need to acclimate to changes that are out of your control and roll with it or just give up. I refuse to give up. I may get frustrated, sad or tired- but I will continue on.  Quitting is never an option.  ~J.V. Manning

There are times in life when something completely out of your control comes out of the blue and knocks you off your feet. You are faced then with the decision- do you just sit there shaking your head at the unfairness of it or do you get up and figure out what you need to do?

It is in this moment that your whole life can be defined. 

You can either acclimate to your new situation. Understanding that changes need to be made- you identify what you need to do in order to make it work. Allowing yourself moments of frustrations, fear and sadness, but not for too long. You need to have these feelings and use them to fuel you on. You will make what adjustments are needed in order to continue on with your life.

Or you quit. Retreat into the darkness and refuse to change, acclimate or fight to adjust to your new circumstances.  You tell yourself you are not strong enough, tough enough or that is just isn't worth it. You allow your life to go on auto-pilot and just float through your days as a fallen leaf floats down a stream.

How you handle the curve balls of life not only defines you, it also defines the quality of your existence. Floating through life never touching shore, never planting your feet and never looking up at the sky shaking your fist and say "Aww hell no- I won't quit!" is taking the easy way out.  Don't get me wrong here; floating can be very healing when you are in the immediate aftermath of a curve ball. Grief, illness, job loss or whatever your curve ball is, deserves real emotion and sometime to experience it. You have to experience your curve ball, let the emotions flow and NOT hide them, bottle them up or deny them if you ever plan to get past them to the acclimating stage. 

The key here is not the deny your fear or sadness with what has happened, but to let it come, let it happen and then let it flow past you as you get ready to begin life anew. It may not be the life that you envisioned, wanted or dreamed of, but it is what it is. And that "is" will only be what you make it.

Believe me when I say- I get it.

I feel like I have hit so many curve balls that I should quit my job and go play for the Red Sox. It is the out of the blue; never saw it coming ones that get me. Going along minding your own business and BAM!  I have been tempted over the years to just swing and miss and take the out. But then I find some part of me that refuses to quit and it gives the rally cry and I dust myself off and get ready to come out swinging.

Like now for instance. A little known fact about me- I have junk legs. Since the time when I was 8 years old and my knees started dislocating and every day since I have had some level of pain. I acclimated each time they would get worse and continue on. I knew I would never be able to run or jump like the other kids when I was younger or as I got older be as physically active as I would like. But I have always said- it is what it is. I won't let them stop me. Some days are worse than others and I have learned to ignore the pain and try and not let them dictate my life. It has been a long time since they forced me to stop completely and recalculate- until now.  Bouncing back is not as easy as it was when I was younger. Now I have to worry about the possibility of not being able to walk for a period of time. I found myself on Sunday scared and exhausted and having a hard time wrapping my head around it.   Then I remembered what I was made of. So I picked up my bat and prepared myself to knock this curve ball out of the park like all the rest. I will handle whatever life throws at me because I can. Because I refuse to quit or feel sorry for myself. Because like all of you- I have worked too hard to get to this point in my life.

This moment in time may very well change my existence.  But I will acclimate. I may get frustrated, sad and tired- but I will continue on. As will you.

Quitting is never an option.