I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger
The past week of my life has been one of the hardest I have ever had to live through, and that is saying something. I don't do feelings well, never have. I hate the thought circle that seems to be on constant rotation inside of my head while I work to process what has occurred. I am strong, have to be to get to be the person I am today. Hasn't ever been easy, but it is what it is and I am who I am because of it. This event, shattered my heart, made me angry and sad and a whole slew of other emotions that have my thoughts scattered. One of those moments in one's life that time seems to stop until you can wrap your head around it. I am not gonna lie, having a hard time with that... I feel like I am on a roller coaster and really wish it would stop so I could get my bearings. Life is like that at times, sending you screeching around curves with sudden drops that leave you breathless. You may get slightly off balance for a while, sometimes a little longer, but you get your feet back underneath you eventually. If you don't, the ride will go on without you and you will be left behind. Riding this roller coaster of life takes determination, takes balls, takes integrity and strength. You have to want it, the ups, downs, curves and plummeting drops. To stop and get off means that you will never ride out of the past. The roller coaster of life goes only in one direction, forward. Sometimes you may need to take a break, to get your bearings and assess where you are, if it isn't where you want to be, you have to dig deep and fight to get where you want to be. People will weigh in, some will pass judgements on situations they have no idea about. But you can't listen to anyone but yourself. You have to want to fight when you have to, to see everything as it is, and get back on that ride. Always moving forward.
This is one of those times when I just want to yell, Stop the Frigging Ride, I want to get OFF! And I have in a sense, taken a time out. This is ok, I know that. I need to let every emotion come as it will, face it and let it move on. Bottling it up isn't going to work, never has for me. I have to face it, all of it or else risk sacrificing the one thing that I have to fight for, me. No one else in my life as ever gone to bat for me, stuck up for me...I learned at an early age, that I had to be my own hero. Some people just don't understand and are so quick to judge, and that's fine. I let them. Think about that for a minute, just letting people think what they want and not letting it hurt you. Because the only person for who the truth is the most important is yourself. You have to live with what you have inside. You have to face it, or you risk losing yourself. We have to stop living for everyone else, we have to live for the one person in this life that should never, ever let you down, You.
You are the strongest person you know, even when you don't feel it. Family and friends can remind you when you are weak, they can give you all the love that you deserve. But there are times when life throws something at you, that you have to go inside yourself to find the answers. You will realize when this occurs, that while your world may be in pieces and the future may have suddenly taken a different shape, each piece you put back together will lead you to it. I know that this time, it may take me longer then usual to put the pieces back together. To make peace with what has occurred. Thankfully I have a husband who reminds me everyday that I am strong, a kid that lights up my life and friends that are my family. While I may be alone in the processing of this, they are right behind me and for that I am grateful.
It is in your darkest hour of adversity, that you discover who you are and where you are meant to be. It is in this hour, that you learn more about yourself then you ever knew before. Who you will become, will depend on what you do when you are faced with it. Will you hide, will you run, will you be strong, will you become better for what has occurred? That is completely and utterly something only you can answer. For me, even on my darkest day, I will get a little bit stronger, I will continue forward after a time, because that is the only option I will allow myself. I hope for you, that it is the same. Never give up, life is to precious. It is totally what you make it, how you shape it, how you live it. You have total control even when at times it all feels like it is spiraling out of control. You have to fight at times, crawl at times, bow your head in weariness, but ultimately, you have to pick yourself up and tell yourself you will be ok. I wish for you strength, courage and the ability to believe in yourself.
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