All That Matters

All your yesterdays may be part of your story and all your tomorrows will be a continuation on from now but the only thing, the only thing that matters is who you are in this moment.
~J.V. Manning
​

During a recent snowstorm, I wandered through the woods around my home. The absolute silence of the world within the storm penetrated my entire soul. I watched as the big, fluffy snowflakes fell lackadaisically from the sky, tracing their journey as they softly took their place among the others that had slowly piled up at my feet. Everything felt hushed. Like all of humanity was pulled in on itself, quietly reflecting on what was to come next.

Or maybe that was just me.

There was something in the complete stillness that settled the chaos inside I’d been feeling. I meandered among the trees illuminated with the white of the falling snow, yet standing skeletal against the darkness of the night sky and admired how they sequester themselves away every winter to do the inner work needed to make them bloom again. How they don’t force it but allow it to happen naturally, in due time.

If you have to force something, it either isn’t the right time or it wasn’t meant for you.

Took me a long time to realize this. I had confused force with dogged determination, tenacity with bone-headed stubbornness, far too many times. I had forced myself to get over things; forced myself to accept things I didn’t want or just wasn’t ready to. Forced myself to do things I knew on some level wouldn’t be aligned with my truth or purpose but convinced myself I had to because of a myriad of reasons, none of which good. I’ve also forced myself to stop when I knew I needed to keep going. Forced myself into situations because I felt like I was required to participate. Honestly, it feels like I’ve forced much of my life up to this very moment.
​
Contemplative, I continued through the woods.

---

I am tired of life being a fight to the next chapter. I’m tired of the echoes of the past reverberating in my mind and so tired of trying to figure out what comes next. I’m tired of explaining myself to people determined to misunderstand me. Weary from trying to maintain some semblance of control over what comes tomorrow and the day after that.

I am as tired of thinking of all my yesterdays as I am worrying about all my tomorrows.

I came upon a giant, towering pine tree and found that I could stand underneath its aromatic boughs, protected somewhat from the snow, for a bit. Leaning against it I gazed back on the way I had come, seeing the warm lights of home shining in the darkness. Standing there, breathing in the strong scent of winter mixed with pine, I felt a truth break loose within my belly and travel to my consciousness. I smiled once it formed in my mind and knew without a doubt it was the biggest piece, at the moment, missing from the puzzle of my life.

The truth: All that matters is who you are in this moment.

All your yesterdays may be part of your story and all your tomorrows will be a continuation on from now but the only thing, the only thing that matters is who you are in this moment.

I left the shelter of the tree and wandered some more, letting this new truth rattle around in my mind a bit. It resonated. I found some of the pressure I had built up inside, lessen a bit.

Who I’ve been no longer matters because of who I have become. Who I will be doesn’t matter because there are so many missing pieces I haven’t discovered yet. Realizing this, I felt more pressure release. It is easy to get overwhelmed with all the possible contingencies that tomorrow could bring, most of which may never happen and easy to continually manifest the past because it is our known, that we blend both past and future together in our mind, and frankly, it’s just too much.
​
All that matters is this moment in our lives and who we are within it.  

---

Life can be chaotic and tremendously difficult. Life can be beautiful and happy. It can be devastating from one day to the next and euphoric the following week. Trying to find the balance between all of them is key, and the only way to do that is to live moment to moment. Don’t like the moment, focus on changing it. Don’t force yourself to accept it if it doesn’t feel right. Don’t force yourself to feel happy if you don’t. Don’t accept things about yourself that you have the power to change. Don’t make yourself accept anyone who treats you badly or diminishes you in any way, they may be in this moment but they most definitely do not have to be in the next one.

If you’re only focusing on where you go from each moment to the next, your mind will be in a much calmer, clearer state to make the best decisions for you. Plus, it makes living far more manageable. Think of it as a puzzle. When you first open the box, there are thousands of small pieces that on their own are meaningless. But start placing one piece at a time, searching for the perfect fit, and before you know it, it all comes together to form a beautiful picture.

Those pieces are your moments. The picture, your life.

You can’t force pieces together. If it doesn’t belong, it won’t fit. If it does, it will come together seamlessly, and you will feel that click inside your soul telling you so. Doesn’t matter where you’ve been. Doesn’t matter who you were. The only thing that matters is the moment and the current piece you are working on.
​
For me, my moments lately have been nothing short of trying to be and do - everything at once. It’s like I picked up two fistfuls of puzzle pieces and attempted to jam them all together. Didn’t work. Wasn’t natural. I’ve been trying to make up for lost time because I was letting the past fuel me, and I didn’t appreciate my motivations. Attempting to make the future come way sooner than it was supposed to because I feel on a deep level that I have an immense amount of time to make up for. Formative years I spent living a life dictated by someone else, for someone else and not spent creating my life.  

---

I have so much to learn about myself. What I want. Where I want to go. How to grow my dreams. None of which will happen overnight. My moments now are doing the work. Which means, accepting that each piece of my puzzle will take me a while to mold into the shape I want it to be and understanding there will be many false starts and redirects. Owning my life and who I am in every single moment and knowing these moments will be fluid. As I learn, I change.  Doesn’t matter if it takes me a day, a week or a year for the next piece to fall into place, it will fit when it’s supposed to and when I am ready. What matters most is that I keep going. Never giving up. Doesn’t mean I will always be happy and content. Doesn’t mean I won’t screw up and make mistakes or get stuck from time to time. 

I just have to remember-
No one stays stuck forever.
​
Life doesn’t seem nearly as overwhelming as it did before my walk through the snow. I laughed as I caught snowflakes on my tongue as I made my way home, my steps feeling much lighter. Once you realize the only thing that matters is who you are in this moment, it frees you from the past and encourages you towards the future. It relieves some of the pressure, helping you to center yourself, free from the bonds of a past you can’t change and a future waiting for the culmination of your moments to bloom into a world you dreamed and worked hard to create.
​
All that matters is who you are, in this moment. 

---