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  Random Thoughts n' Lotsa Coffee

Break the Cycle - No More Excuses

7/19/2014

22 Comments

 
Sometimes people we love are broken and if we never allow that brokenness to come to light, they will remain that way forever. There are  situations in life when we need to stop making excuses for someone we love, we need to stop justifying their bad behavior and instead, hold them accountable. Facing reality can be harsh but denying the truth is even worse for our heart, soul and life. 
~J.V. Manning

Every single one of us has used an excuse to justify bad behavior, colossal mistake or wrong decision. We get creative in our justifications of why we handled something badly, chose incorrectly or screwed up because to openly admit we did something wrong is scary. What will people think? We may get into trouble. We may have to suffer consequences. No one wants to face the music, so the excuses get created and we hope everyone believes them.

It's life. It's not pretty but it happens to everyone at one point or another, me included. You should hear all the excuses I can come up with as to why I didn't get much writing done on any given day. I don't believe them, no one else really does either but they are nice enough to let me get away with them occasionally. Though I don't think my husband buys the whole -I accidently fell asleep while meditating - story anymore. Not with the amount of coffee I drink anyway.

Thing is though, how far will we allow someone to go with their justifications or excuses as to why something happened or keeps happening? Especially when the behavior or mistake should have serious consequences? When do we stop making or allowing excuses and start holding someone accountable for their actions?
I was talking with a woman the other day who has a daughter who is constantly in trouble with the law for petty theft, drugs and fighting. This woman has been making excuses for her daughter for so long, even she has started believing them. When I asked her if she thought justifying her daughter's actions was actually helping her daughter to get better, she looked at me like I was insane. She then blamed everything on the fact that her husband left when her daughter was just entering her teen years. All the bad behavior from that point on, was his fault and not her daughters in any way. When I pointed out her daughter was now well on her way to her 30s and that maybe, at the beginning, his leaving had triggered the bad behavior, but now the responsibility rested totally on her daughter, she wouldn't hear of it. 

It was only when I asked her if it would take her daughter overdosing or a getting a long prison sentence to get her to stop enabling her, I could see a shift in her thinking. She had never thought about it like that before. Excuses had become habit, habit became reality and until she breaks the habit of justifying her daughter's actions- nothing will ever change.

Excuses are a way to avoid facing the reality of a situation. Sometimes people we love are broken and if we never allow that brokenness to come to light, they will remain that way forever. There are  situations in life when we need to stop making excuses for someone we love, we need to stop justifying their bad behavior and instead, hold them accountable. Facing reality can be harsh but denying the truth is even worse for our heart, soul and life.

When you stop enabling someone you love, by making excuses for them, covering up their problems and justifying why they are the way they are, you are giving them a gift. A huge gift. Though it will feel like you are giving up on them, you aren't. What you are doing is loving them enough to allow them to see the reality of their situation. It will hurt like hell, but it holds them accountable to fix their lives. For it is only when you both face the harsh reality can the healing actually and honestly start.

I am so proud of a friend of mine who left an abusive relationship after far too many years of suffering. She had married the man of her dreams who morphed into a man of her nightmares shortly after their vows had been said. For the longest time she justified his actions and made excuses for him. At extreme personal cost. Then, one day, she rediscovered her inner strength, gathered her courage and took back control of her life. No more excuses. She knew he had to be held accountable for his actions and while there would be consequences to leaving him, she wouldn't avoid the reality of her situation any longer. She is fierce. 
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Not only do we need to hold ourselves accountable for our actions, we need to hold others accountable, as well. We can't force them to change their ways. We can't help someone who won't help themselves. We cannot control anyone but ourselves. However, we can stop enabling them by accepting their continuous excuses, making excuses for them or by justifying their behavior. We can stop freely giving them a pass and let them own their decisions. Allowing them to suffer the consequences may seem heartless but you are in fact showing how much you love them by doing so. Tough love is just that – tough, everyone needs to learn to stand on their own two feet, doesn’t mean you don’t love them, it means you love them enough to let them try.

We as humans can justify anything we need to, in order to make it acceptable to live with. Like staying in a relationship that is loveless because it is convenient and known or accepting excuses from a partner who stays late at the office but comes home smelling of bourbon and perfume. By looking the other way when your spouse comes home from the mall with hundreds of dollars in merchandise neither one of you needs, even though you are broke, and justifying that her happiness is worth the price tag. By making excuses for unacceptable behavior from your children because it is easier to do that, than address your parenting mistakes.

What you allow is what will continue. Doesn't matter who it is,  husband, wife, child, family member or friend, when someones actions hurt you, emotionally or physically, stop justifying it. There are no excuses for that type of behavior. Stop taking responsibility for their actions and take total control of yours. Protecting them, especially at the expense of yourself, is not going to do anyone a damn bit of good.  No one has an excuse to hurt you, torment you or force you to allow their mistakes to back you into a corner. Find the strength you need to break the habit of justifying their actions. Walk away if you must to preserve your heart, soul and quality of life.  It is not selfish, it's self preservation. 

Break the cycle.
No more excuses. 

22 Comments
Lu
7/19/2014 09:34:45 am

Wow, I needed to read this today! It's exactly where I am in my life. I'm married to a pain pill addict and it makes life miserable for the whole family. He abuses the pills every time he gets a new prescription. He acts dumb and says dumb things as well as makes poor choices.

Reply
Random Jenn
7/20/2014 03:16:02 am

Lu -

I hope that you find the strength and courage you need to do what you need to do to face his addiction. I know there are many online resources for people in your position, I am positive you can find encouragement and resources to help you on this journey.

Decide to not allow his addiction to hurt you any longer. You are worth so much more than that. I believe in you.

xoxo
~Jenn

Reply
maria
7/19/2014 12:17:02 pm

Absolutly awesome! Refusing to indulge in the old ways and behave in new healthy n different ways sets the example needed in order for others to be inspired n led into positive change. Its simple yet never easy. It does get easier. I couldnt have done it alone n applaud the magnificent friends i have,the beautiful posts n always my morning coffee lol

Reply
Random Jenn
7/20/2014 03:17:59 am

Maria -

Your comment made me smile. It is never easy - but it is so worth it. And you are right, over time it does get easier to face some of the darkness life throws at us. We become stronger and more confident in our abilities to stand firm in the face of adversity.

Raising my coffee mug to you this morning!
xoxo
~Jenn

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tess
7/19/2014 02:29:20 pm

brilliant....

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Random Jenn
7/20/2014 03:18:17 am

Thank you!

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Teen
7/19/2014 02:46:53 pm

It always amazes me when something I need to hear, think about, and absorb just seems to present itself to me. Thank you for writing this article; it really spoke to me!

Reply
Random Jenn
7/20/2014 03:19:57 am

Teen -

I am thrilled that this piece resonated with you. May you find your strength to stand firm to whatever it is you are facing.

I love when life brings to me exactly what I need, when I need it. I also just hope I am smart enough to recognise the message when it comes.

Thank you for commenting!
xoxo
~Jenn

Reply
Bridget
7/19/2014 03:14:49 pm

Self preservation goes a long way however mud sticks



Reply
Random Jenn
7/20/2014 03:20:45 am

Mud may stick but when it dries - you can peel it off and start clean.

xoxo
~Jen

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mb
7/19/2014 04:04:47 pm

Wow, this article made me tear up. I wish I had the strength, but I feel so tired and worn out all of the time.

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Random Jenn
7/20/2014 03:23:46 am

MB-

One thing I have learned throughout my life - it was in those exhausted, weary and worn-out moments that I found my raw strength. I had to dig deep, deeper than I ever thought possible, but it was there.

Find that inner reserve of strength and slowly bring yourself back. I know you have the strength to face whatever is in front of you. Never ever give up. This world needs you. You can do it. Promise.

Baby steps, find your strength.

xoxo ~Jenn

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Rebecca link
7/20/2014 03:25:11 am

mb, You DO have the strength, just take one small step, one small step a day, and you'll get there.

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Random Jenn
7/20/2014 03:29:37 am

Thank you, Rebecca ♥

Bryan Morris
7/19/2014 04:31:15 pm

What a well written article. ...every word, every sentence.....amazing how we let life slip by us sometime because of a weak excuse

Reply
Random Jenn
7/20/2014 03:25:40 am

So true Bryan.We let life slip by so often. Because it is easier than facing. But it is not living. We must live on our terms and spend the time figuring out what exactly we need, want and have to have.

Thank you for the compliments and comments. Very much appreciated.

xoxo
~Jenn

Reply
David
7/19/2014 10:11:23 pm

This has helped to focus thoughts that have been drifting around my head for a while. Like Lu I needed to read these words and today is a good day to read them thanks.

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Random Jenn
7/20/2014 03:27:56 am

David -

I am happy that my words help to focus your thoughts and that you found them at just the right time. Sometimes the synchronicity in life leaves me breathless.

Keep that focus. Follow your instincts on whatever it is you are facing. Thank you for taking the time to leave me this comment.

xoxo
~Jenn

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tori
7/20/2014 02:44:28 am

wish i had read this 10 years ago when my alcoholic mother was living with us......unfortunately the final time to stop making excuses and justifying everything was the time she had a massive stroke and died. I miss her so much and have only just learnt to live life without constantly living in the past and bemoaning that life wasn't fair. .... Life happens and we all have inner strengths which i have now but didn't find it soon enough to help her. She let circumstances dictate her life and ultimate death and i won't.

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Random Jenn
7/20/2014 03:50:58 am

Tori -

I read your message and feel an immediate kinship with you. I, too, had a mother with demons who let her circumstances dictate her life and ultimate death. I am sorry for the loss of "what could have been" as I know that journey well.

I am proud of you for seeing the lesson and having the courage to realize you will not allow life to control you as it controlled her. I used to think that I grew up inspite of my mother, but recently I came to understand I did grow up because of her and became who I am by her showing me all that I did not want or would not accept in my life.

Stay strong my friend,
xoxo ~Jenn

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Margie Bock
7/24/2014 05:39:26 am

Sometimes people stay together out of fear of going into the unknown. The relationship they have is at least predictable though so harmful. I call it crazy glue. Women eventually come to believe they deserve it or caused it. By thinking they caused it, there is some strange sense of power in this. There isn't. The only true power is in their real ability to stand up, take a big breath, walk to the door, and never ever look back.
Please, stop hurting yourselves. Your beautiful.

Reply
Ella Hicks
3/17/2015 09:20:02 am

Well done my dear friend. This is a message that I am always putting out there. I am so glad to read this and I shall be sharing this on Rebel Thriver in a minute. Well written and heartfelt. I couldn't be more in alignment with you if I tried! Love you. xo Ella

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