A clean slate.
A fresh clean slate that I have worked my whole life for and I have absolutely no idea what to do with it. This is one crossroad I never actually thought I would see. Yet, here I am.
I came. I conquered.
Am I happy?
Yes, I am. Sort of. Happy to simply be for the moment. Happy to enjoy a peaceful existence. But knowing in my soul that I won't be happy if I coast for too long.
We can be so content in our routines and what is known that we have a tendency to become complacent. We no longer see what is missing and try to convince ourselves this is okay, which maybe for some, it is. However, as time goes on, I am realizing that floating through life just isn't enough for me. I didn't get through everything life has thrown at me to arrive at the point where I just coast from here on out.
Being content is amazing. Being complacent not so much.
Have I become so secure in my life that I have completely closed myself off to what could be? Have I convinced myself that this is what I wanted from here on out? Have I allowed myself to stop evolving into the woman I was destined to be? Have I let the fear of the unknown cement my soul into place?
After some serious soul searching I came to the conclusion, not yet. But, I could easily enough. And this thought terrified the hell out of me. I worked too hard to get here and while taking the past couple years to heal is totally acceptable, coasting from here on out isn't. I have earned this clean slate. I can't leave it clean forever because that would mean I have given up on myself before I even started.
I have a good friend who is right now doing some serious soul searching herself. She has been married for over 25 years, raised her children, worked hard her entire life, and now is looking around wondering - what next? She knows she has allowed herself to become complacent in a lot of areas of her life. It was like she woke up one day and looked around with fresh eyes. She now sees a man she has nothing in common with, dusty dreams she yearns to bring out into the light again and a sense of urgency that it is now or never to get started on the next stage of her life. She can feel it in her gut, the changes she needs to make are clear, and the embers of who she was before life got in the way slowly starting to blaze up again. But the fear of leaving what is known and safe to begin a journey into the unknown has her paralyzed for the moment. She keeps asking herself the same question...
It is like being in the metamorphosis stage - not a caterpillar anymore and not a butterfly yet. Knowing that in order to fly one must leave the comfort of the cocoon and false sense of security it gives or run the risk of staying a caterpillar forever unchanged. We all want to be that butterfly - flying free. Changed by life into something positive, strong and capable of flight. Capable of reaching heights we had only seen in our dreams. We all want that freedom.
I don't want to coast. I want to live passionately. I want to feel life run through my veins, feel that excitement as I reach for dreams I didn't even know I had. I want to build a relationship with myself, as odd as that may sound, because I want to know what I think, feel and who I want to become. I want challenges, I want passion and excitement, I want to go out and make mistakes, make messes and overcome obstacles. I want to take adventures, to write books and change lives. I want to climb the tallest mountain I can find and announce to the world -
Ready or not, here I come!!
I don't want to play hide and seek with life any more. I just want to seek. Seek experiences. Seek knowledge and meaning. Seek out known dreams and new dreams. Reconnect with old friends and make new ones for the years to come. I want to make memories, not heal from them. I want to feel contentment at the close of every day because I lived the day fully. Really lived it. Then, in the morning, I want to wake up with that hungry feeling and start the chase to the woman I am supposed to be all over again. Every single day.
For that is what it means to chase your destiny. Waking up every day and trying to be better than you were yesterday. It is having the courage to see what is no longer working and knowing when it is time to let go. It is looking inside of yourself to find what makes you happy, what makes you come alive and then DOING IT.
It is understanding the difference in being content and being complacent.
Life is about igniting that fire within your soul, finding your passion and taking chances. Chances on yourself, your future and the mark you will make on this world.