I was furious that nothing I did mattered and I held onto to that. For a time, it fueled me on.
I had something to prove. I was the epitome of strength.
The emotional badass that nothing fazed.
Emotions are fluid. Meaning, they are meant to flow in and out of our lives and as much as we would love to hold onto being happy, it is inevitable that into our lives a bit of sadness or anger will flow. When one ignores negative emotional responses in life, bury them if you will, they don't magically disappear but become bottled up in some part of their soul, festering. Simmering, bottled up emotions work to negate any happy that may find its way into their world. How can they trust it? How can they hold onto any feelings of elation when they are already so full of the negative?
Allowing emotions to flow freely, in and out, without grasping a hold of any one of them, leads to a well-balanced life. Anger is natural. Sad is natural. Happy is natural. All happen on a regular basis in all of our lives. It is what we do with these emotions that will determine what kind of life that turns out to be.
Denying your feelings, pretending to be happy or peaceful may fool some but you will never be able to fool yourself. Thinking that you can fake it til you make it is a myth. Your heart always knows, even if your mind is telling it lies.
For the longest time, I cloaked myself in anger. I didn't trust anyone. I didn't want anyone to get too close to me. Close meant the ability to hurt me. Close meant a bond. I built walls around my heart, my mind and my entire being. Impenetrable walls. Anger was safe. I became so locked in it, convinced it was the key to survival. I was indestructible. My heart was locked away and I was totally okay with that. I didn't trust happy. I didn't trust content. Sad meant weak and I would never, ever admit to being weak.
Only problem, in hindsight, now that I have evolved into who I am today, cloaking myself in anger was probably the weakest thing I could do. I wasn't being strong. I wasn't being safe.
I wasn't being alive.
I was merely existing.
For a while, merely existing was okay. I needed to be numb. I needed to be on autopilot because I was exhausted, overwhelmed and thoroughly depleted emotionally and I was angry. I was angry at life. I was angry that I couldn't trust the ones in this world who are never supposed to fail you. I was mad at the injustice. I was furious that nothing I did mattered and I held onto to that. For a time, it fueled me on. I had something to prove. I was the epitome of strength. The emotional badass that nothing fazed.
Over the years, as I matured and grew into who I am today, I started chipping away at the walls I had built. Slowly letting the light in. I began to understand that being truly strong meant facing and dealing with emotions as they happened and then - letting them go. Holding grudges, tattooing past hurts onto my soul and allowing my memories of the past to dictate my view today - had to stop.
Life is like a river, sometimes it rages - only to pool suddenly into a calm stillness, sometimes it swells and floods the shore, rushing into cracks and crevices with abandon and sometimes it meanders, slowly and at ease with itself. But, it is always moving, never the same. You can fight it, go against the flow or become a stick mired on the shore and watch it pass you by, or you can choose it stop fighting it. Life is going to flow, emotional responses to life are going to happen but once they do, if you let it - they will flow on. Fighting them, burying them deep inside you will eventually overwhelm and exhaust you.
Learning to let life flow has help me tremendously. Especially when, out of the blue, a crushing weight settles around my heart when I think about all I have lost over the past ten years. Often times, it is a sudden feeling of soul crushing sadness and nostalgia. It takes my breath away. Now, when it happens, I still my mind and give my soul some space to grieve. Regardless of how much time has past or how "over it" I should be, when it comes -I don’t fight it. I don't cling to it, either. I simply accept it. It is a reminder that I am human. A human who has opened herself up to life and all that comes with it. The good, the bad and the ugly. Feeling sad doesn't mean you're broken. It means you have been hurt and occasionally something will trigger you to feel it all over again. To me, it’s my soul releasing some more hurt because I am strong enough now to face it and move on.
Every one of your scars, both inside and out, tell your stories. Stories of how you though once wounded – you fought, you conquered and eventually – you healed. Your scars make up who you are, who you were. They serve to remind you that sometimes life can deal nasty blows but eventually you will heal and carry on. But you have to face the emotional responses, however hard they may be. Face them.
However, there will be some wounds that never go away completely. Deep wounds that are weaved into our soul stories, our life’s history. They helped make us who we are today. Sometimes those old emotions and feelings will flare up, knocking you to your knees. This doesn't mean you aren't better, stronger or happy. It just means you are releasing more from inside the depths of your soul.
Get angry. Get sad. Just don't live there. Life is a beautiful mess sometimes. It happens. Roll with it. It will eventually pass. I promise. The feeling of release will be tangible and the sudden feeling of freedom so sweet.
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