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Everything Happens for a Reason.Right?

12/8/2012

23 Comments

 
Every thing in life does in fact NOT happen for a reason and there is not always a 
lesson to be learned. Sometimes bad things happen to good people. 
Sometimes life will just not make sense.
~J.V. Manning

The other day I was having a conversation with a friend who is trying to make sense out of something that happened to her a long time ago. She is struggling with putting a rational spin on it in order to come to some form of peace inside herself. Seeing her struggle and twist and turn things over in her mind to no avail was heart wrenching. 

Life can deal some nasty blows to us. We wake up one day and start off thinking good positive thoughts and having a great morning when all of a sudden out of the blue- a phone call, a knock at the door, changes our entire existence. Just like that our world can be turned upside down and we are left with broken pieces of something that not long ago was whole.  We are left lost, confused and shattered. After the initial shock wears off we find ourselves in desperate need to make sense of what has occurred. The Why of it. We know what happened, we know that we need to face it and deal with it. But what we don't know is the how. How do you deal with the bad? How do you find your peace? How do you put it behind you and move on?
Everyone always tells you that you need to just get passed "it". You need to make peace with "it". That you need to just let "it" go. But what no one tells you is how to do this. How do you just let it go? Does not thinking about it work? Does therapy work? Does anger work? They tell you to cry and to talk it out. But talking just makes it real and crying, while cleansing, solves nothing.  We try to make rational sense out of an event that wasn’t rational to begin with. We look for that elusive "reason" everyone says things happen for and make ourselves crazy in the process.
How do you find that reason and that lesson everyone always says things happen for?  

You don't. 

Sometimes a life event will happen that defies reason. That no amount of examining will help you explain.  Some things in life will never make sense because there is NO sense to be had. No cause and effect, no lessons that needed to be learned and there sure as hell will never be a rational reason behind it. It just happened. There is no making sense of it. You face it. You look it square in the eye and remove all the shields and walls you have put up and you face it once and for all. You don't get past it until you confront it and see it for what it is. Then you leave it there. You can't erase the bad, you can't erase the tragic any more then you can make sense of it. It happened. It became part of you the second that it happened and denying its existence, not seeing it for what it is, will never change that.  Visiting it inside your mind over and over will not change the fact that it happened. It will not change the outcome or make it any less painful. But understanding that some things in life will never make sense gives you the power over it, instead of it having power over you.

Sometimes bad happens. Out of the blue and without warning. The whole "everything happens for a reason" phrase is ridiculous. I could spend my whole life searching for reason behind losing my friend to a drunk driver or why the child on the news last night was beaten by his parents and left for dead. I could search high and low for the lesson to be learned in the why bad things happen to good people and the reason behind every life event I have had to face.  But there are times in life when you are never going to be able to make rational sense out of a life even because there is none.  
When I realized the futility of always trying to find “the why”-of trying to make sense out of the senseless, the release I had was astounding. I didn't have to hold on to the hurt anymore. I could let it go. My peace was only elusive because I was holding it at bay while I tried everything I could to find a reason for what happened. Just like my friend who was struggling with her own life event- she couldn't see her way passed it until she realized that the why of it didn't matter. It happened. She didn't deserve it. Nothing she had done in her life warranted this particular lesson. It just happened. Once she realized that no amount of soul searching was going to give her the “reason” or make sense of it, she allowed herself to let go of it. 

She found her peace by not making sense of a senseless life event.

Everything in life does in fact NOT happen for a reason. Sometimes shit happens. You can spend your whole life twisting and turning it over and over in your head. You can spend countless nights staring at the ceiling and countless days lost in it. But the sooner you realize making sense out of a senseless event is impossible, the sooner you will be able to come to peace with it and move on with your life. 

23 Comments
irene
12/8/2012 07:12:58 am

I love your blogs, at times I feel like you're talking directly to me. Everything happens for a reason and we may never know why things happen, like you said it just did and does. The pain we carry around with us effects every part of our lives. I have no idea why my past happened, it did , and nothing I can say or do will ever change that. It's part of my life, and even if I had to suffer as i did, it made me a stronger person, more loving and caring. I was full of hate and anger, attempted suicide and then like you wrote everything happens for a reason I realized it wasn't my fault, found a wonderful therapist, and I'm hear today.. Thank you Jenn, you help so many without even knowing it. Love & God Bless..

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Random Jenn
12/16/2012 09:52:58 am

Sweet Irene.

You are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for my friend. I am so glad you found me and find something in my writing that resonates with you. You are so worth all the happiness and contentment in this life and I hope you find all that you deserve.

Thank you my friend, Jenn

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Brad Carpenter
12/8/2012 09:20:53 am

A friend of mine sent me this because I am now going through facing the child abuse I grew up with and some effects of it I didn't realize I even had within me. That opened up from watching my brother die over night from alcoholism. I say this because some of what I am living through makes sense, but yet, I agree with you, that still none of it makes sense. My brother dieing makes sense. He drank himself to death. My being there made sense in that I was visiting when he died. The reoccuring of child abuse that I had therapy on years ago, just makes no sense to me. So, your article is healing in its own special way. I look forward to hearing from you in future blogs.

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Random Jenn
12/16/2012 09:55:45 am

Brad,

The journey you are on is such a hard and different one. I wish for you strength and endurance so that you may face what you must in order to create the life you deserve. I am so sorry for the loss of your brother.

I do so wish for you the peace that you deserve. Thank you for your comment about my writing being healing in its own special way. It was a gift to read. Helps remind me why I put so much of myself into this website and my writing. Thank you.

Jenn

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lorrie dee
12/8/2012 09:51:55 am

I have had many 'bad' things happen to me during my lifetime. You are right, there is no 'WHY ME' or even just 'why'. We are on the course, or river, of our own life. No one else lives the life we live.

Some people have great wealth because that is part of their course; they have something to 'evolve' and it involves having money.... but everyone's course is very different.

I have learned, through the death of my son, cancer and chemo, having my income taken away, the terror of a stalker, a sociopathic husband, etc. etc....IT'S NOT PERSONAL! There is no KARMA. There is no REASON. These are just the experiences of my life. The true strength and only rational I can give these experiences is that they allow me to help others through difficult times and they give me strength to keep going forward.

When you get stuck in the 'WHY' of it, you are not, in fact, moving at all. Forward motion is important or the 'journey' is not progressing and this causes an imbalance which leads to dis-ease. [I found that out the hard way.] Deal with the things that happen.....sometimes there are some good lessons....but don't spend too much time figuring them out. Do the emotional work that is necessary, then LET IT GO emotionally and take with you what you have learned.

Peace and happiness be with you....and THAT'S an inside job!

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Michelle
12/8/2012 12:00:31 pm

I respectfully disagree. I do believe that "everything happens for a reason". Something that my mother told me is that every problem, challenge, trial or heartbreak has a gift in it. We just have to look for that gift.

I'm not denying that that gift wrapping can utterly destroy a life, a sense of self, a sense of purpose, self-esteem or whatever you would fill that _______ with. Speaking as a woman who, two years after leaving a twenty-four year relationship is just STARTING to come to terms with physical, verbal, emotional and financial abuse, I can definitely say that this isn't easy. Leaving the relationship has meant that I simply don't know how I'm going to make it through another month financially. I am literally struggling to survive.

I've been coming to terms with the fact that I grew up an abused child, the daughter of a narcissist, and moved into a relationship with another abusive narcissist. Was I victimized? Yes. AM I a victim? No. And the only thing that distinguishes the difference in my answer here is my attitude. I got out. I survived. I'm getting well. I am blessed. NOW.

Sometimes life traumatizes us. I really don't think any of us get out of life without being hit with at least one brutally life-changing experience. The challenge is to keep our eyes open, looking for the "gift". Being open to joy even - especially! - in the midst of difficulty beyond bearing. Joy is everywhere; most of the time, we're so lost in what we're feeling or thinking about that we don't pay attention and miss the everyday blessings with which we're surrounded.

I believe that the reason that "everything happens for a reason" is to bring us right back to our own selves. To see who we are, underneath all of the beliefs, trappings, and whatever else clouds our visions of who we actually are. We are so magnificent. And most of the time, we don't even know it. That reason? So that we can see that the person who looks back at us from that mirror is so loveable, so worthy, so unique, so necessary to this planet that we were given space and oxygen here. We matter.

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Random Jenn
12/16/2012 10:02:55 am

Michelle,

I admire your strength and your courage. I believe that we matter and our lives matter. I as you said will respectfully disagree that there is a reason for everything. As some thing in this world will never make sense- to me.

Thank you for the thought and depth of your comment.

Jenn

Natacha
12/18/2012 01:59:02 am

I couldn't agree more with you Michelle. I also believe that there is a reason for everything that happens. When tragedy strikes, it can be hard to understand or even worse to accept that there might be a reason or a gift behind it because of all those charged feelings of grief, anger etc that we experience in that moment, but I believe that the reason lies hidden in the emotions we have to conquer through having to face those challenges we face.

Janice Cady
6/7/2013 02:01:43 pm

I think you are talking more about learning from the abuse, rather than the abuse had a reason. There is never a reason someone should be abused.

Random Jenn
12/16/2012 09:44:43 am

Lorrie Dee,

Thank you so much for the love and insight you took the time to share. You sound like a fighter and a survivor and I am so pleased you shared with me and all that have read it. I am so sorry for the loss of your son, it is unimaginable to me.

Keep moving forward my friend. You are strong, tough and worth it.

Jenn

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Tracey Rrodrigues
12/8/2012 02:28:19 pm

Hopefully now I can findsome peace because I'm tired of not knowing why I had to accept such hurt.

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shafi
12/11/2012 03:21:36 pm

a great article indeed. and its really bold to come forward and accept that everything happens not for a reason.
what you say here is a kind of nihilism albeit without using the word. i totally agree what you say here. Though i m not a nihilist but i too believe that events of life are random and It is a futile exercise to seek a meaningful pattern.

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Random Jenn
12/16/2012 09:51:32 am

Shafi,

Definitely not a nihilist. I most definitely believe there are meaningful patterns to life and that while not everything in life happens for a reason nor will certain things and events ever make rational sense- life is full of purpose, meaning and knowledge.

Jenn

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Karen
12/14/2012 04:18:33 pm

There is no reason why this happened to those particular children, that was random. Why a person decided to pick up a gun, go to a school and shoot people....that happened for a reason...whether it is mental illness, hallucinations, or just bad genes...the person pulling the trigger made a choice. What made him do it? We'll never know. Why those particular people were impacted was mostly random and just bad timing. But they are in a better place and not dealing with the questions we have right now. We will never deter all bad crimes but we want to know why so we can stop it from happening again. We need to learn something from this.

Your photo of the candle is making the rounds on facebook. I can't control the events that happened but maybe, I can ask you to correct the spelling of "Newtown". It's not Newton, it's Newtown. Any way to change the photo going around?

It's all just wrong.

Thanks.

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Random Jenn
12/16/2012 09:48:35 am

Karen,

First off the picture has been corrected. See above post.

Secondly, I agree that what happened to those children and teachers and their families will never ever make sense. My heart goes out to their families and the community of Newtown.

There will always be bad in this world. It is up to us to put as much good in as humanly possible. It is to honor the lives of those sudden angels.

Jenn

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Mel
2/28/2013 11:33:40 am

I agree bad things happen to good people. As a result of those things I turned to abusing myself on many levels for years. Then one day I hit that wall. I just couldn't do it anymore. I needed change! I found an awesome program & found for me I can 12 step just about every aspect of my life that ails me. For that I am truly grateful. Maybe others will find this helpful. I always try to remember when I forgive it isn't for the other person but solely for me & my personal well being. God Bless, have a beautiful day!

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Mich
2/28/2013 12:37:03 pm

in french, we say "rien n'arrive pour rien". And it's been getting me through the tough times!!! But in english, I thought the translation would be "everything happens for a reason"... but after reading this, I realize that you are right... I don't think the wording is right... it should be "nothing happens for nothing"... The word "reason" does make us try to rationalize the unexplainable and we pass beside the real message! I still think "everything happens for a reason", but I will try to look at it differently from now on! Thanks!

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Terry
2/28/2013 01:33:23 pm

I have read this before but this time decided to comment. You are right. Sometimes there is NO reason things happen. Reminds me of when my husband died at age 37, someone said "His work here on earth must be done." What?? He had a wife and a 6 year old daughter....of COURSE he wasn't "done". Anyways....thank you for verifying that there was no damn good reason he was taken from us. Thank you, thank you.

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Random Jenn
3/3/2013 01:05:19 am

Terry-

First off let me say I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. I know sometimes when something tragic like that happens people are at a loss for words and come out with platitudes meant to make us feel better. When in truth for some things in life there are simply no words.

Your loss and your daughters loss is one of those times. I hope that your memories keep you strong. I am sending you a virtual hug and know that there was no reason for his passing away so soon and I am sorry for your loss ♥

~Jenn

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Noel
3/2/2013 01:35:47 am

I agree. Everything happens for NO reason. Our son died last year at age 38 years and left a baby son and a beautiful wife. To say there was any reason for that is stupid and anyone who says there must be a reason for his death is either deranged or has never lost a child. Life is completely random. I used to believe in karma, not anymore! I used to believe I was loved and protected. Not any more. Anything I love can be taken from me at any time and therefore I will love all the more in this moment. Great post, you have uplifted me this morning.

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Random Jenn
3/3/2013 01:10:52 am

Noel,

I cannot imagine the pain you must feel losing your son at such a young age. I know nothing I will every be able to write or say would even begin to diminish it. All I can say is that I am truly sorry for your loss.

All we have in this life is a moment. That is why it is so important to make each and every moment we have count. By telling the people in our lives how much we love them, by using the good dishes for no special occasion and to have fun whenever we can.

Live life Randomly and fully and in turn will be honoring your son. My heart breaks for you and wishes you strength ♥

~Jenn

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just Me Debb
6/28/2013 01:58:14 am

Thank You
getting amputated made no sense
Burying my child either
he should of buried Me!
Etc..Etc....*Big Hug!!

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Random Jenn
6/28/2013 11:33:03 pm

Deb -

I can't begin to imagine what living through an amputation is like. I can only imagine the strength and tenacity one must have to fight through it and learn to live and function again.

Losing a child will never make sense. There are no words for this loss and I know that what ever I would write here would seem like a platitude. So I will just say this... somethings in life will never make sense, because there is none to be had and spending life searching for the elusive "why" - will never heal the pain.

I am sorry that you had to experience such loss and devastation. I hope that you eventually heal your heart, soul and mind. I wish for you peace. Stay strong Deb.

xoxoxo
Jenn

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