How does one know if she has forgiven? You tend to feel sorrow over the circumstance instead of rage, you tend to feel sorry for the person rather than angry with her.
You tend to have nothing left to say about it at all. ~Clarissa Pinkola Estes A couple days ago, I was having a conversation with friends about forgiveness. About when it was the right time, right place, right frame of mind to offer it and actually mean it. At what point, do we forgive someone? Of course each instance where forgiveness is wanted or needed is different, the level of wrong, the extent of the transgression against us, determine our frame of mine when contemplating it. I have always thought that somethings in life are completely unforgivable, still do actually. But I have started to wonder, if in not forgiving and moving on, is not for the person who hurt us, wronged us, but ultimately, for ourselves. That by holding onto that anger, hurt and sadness, are we sealing off a critical part of ourselves that really needs to be healed? In forgiving someone, are we giving them the power to hurt us again, or are we giving ourselves the power to move on? As I have journeyed through life, I have been hurt and I have been wrong, just like you and everyone else in this world. I share this part of my journey only for perspective. 4 months ago, my mother committed suicide. Alone in a motel room, she decided that she no longer wanted to be a part of this life. At the time of her death, we were estranged. Had been for about a year. My life with her had been a struggle from the time I was a child until the day she died. Undiagnosed Bipolar Disorder, had robbed me of a mother I had so desperately wanted. What I got instead was a woman, who never admitted she was ill, that never saw the damage her illness created. She would build me up, only to tear me down. The lies and manipulations that plagued my childhood, I carry with me today. As a child I worshiped her, I believed everything she told me. I believed her when she made claims against others, against family members. I fought battles for her, I cried for her, I begged for her love. I sold my soul, my very being, to be the best daughter that I could be. Over and over again. It took me 32 years to understand that I would never be able to. I was in my twenties, when I realized that my entire life to that point, had circled around her. Her wants, her needs, her manipulations and lies. I had lost a huge chunk of my life, my self and my confidence. It is a hard reality to face when you realize that your mother is incapable of love. Her love, her attention came with a price and for years I had paid it. Until the time came, when I could no longer. I had shouldered the responsibility of her illness, her highs and her lows for too long. No one else but my sister saw it, no one understood. Outsiders thought we were the worst daughters in the world. She had told them that, and they believed. There came a breaking point and it was in that moment, when I realized, I could sacrifice myself no longer. I let go, and I walked away. I carried with me, the hurt, the anger, the feelings of failure and defeat. I had tried and I had failed. I could not be the daughter that saved her mother from an illness that had controlled her for her entire life. You cannot help those, that do not want it. I harbored resentment and anger for the entire year we were apart. I needed to heal. I had a strong hope, that in losing me, she would see that she needed to face this, that she would find the strength inside of her, begin to understand her worth and fight a battle that only she could fight. I had hoped and dreamed, that she would become the mother I had always wanted. Bipolar robbed her of that which was her. It took from her the very core of her being and replace it with something that is completely opposite of who and what she truly was capable of being. Because her bipolar went untreated for so long, she spent many years looking in the mirror and seeing a person she did not recognize or understand. Not only did bipolar rob her of her sanity, but it robbed her of the ability to see beyond the space it dictated her to look. She could no longer tell reality from fantasy, and she walked in a world no longer her own. And as time went on, she pulled it around her like a blanket. Never did she take responsibility for her own life, her own well being. In death, as in life, both my sister and I shouldered the blame. Jeanette Walls said once “When people kill themselves, they think they're ending the pain, but all they're doing is passing it on to those they leave behind.” With my mother;s death came, anger and sadness, shock and emptiness. And for the past 4 months I have tried to put the pieces in some semblance of order. But what I have come to the conclusion, that there are some things in life that will never make sense. Some parts of life that the only thing you can do is make peace with. Forgiveness means letting go of the past, It means letting go of the hurt and the anger and moving on. When you forgive, you in no way change the past - what you can do is, change the future. I want to get to that point when I think about her, with what she did and how life was with her. I want desperately to think of the happy times that there was, and to release the anger and the sadness. I know it has no place in the future. I think I finally get that in forgiving her, I can release the power of the memories that hurt, that fill me with anger and sadness. I am releasing it and saying, no more. Not yet. Forgiveness, real honest forgiveness, doesn't happen over night. I find that with each day, with each thought of her, the anger has lessened a little, but the sadness, not so much. I will know when I am there, as you will. Forgiveness is not only anyone's schedule but your own. It is in your own time, on your own terms. But I am really starting to believe, that is something that eventually needs to happen. I will never forget, but there will come a point when I forgive. For her, for myself and for the future. Coming to forgiveness is not for the one that hurt you, it does not invalidate your hurt, what it does, is say that you no longer will allow the actions of another to hurt you, that you release all the pain and the anguish, because it is time. Because holding on to it, never gives you the space is needed to heal.
15 Comments
MA.CYNTHIA CORONEL ABALOS
3/25/2012 11:16:36 am
I am awed with your personal sharing about forgiveness. One with you in that pursuit to let go of the pain and move on. I will light a candle of FORGIVENESS for your mom, and many others who did not see the light and died in vain. It is a grace in deed for us living to understand what is forgiveness really means.
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Jenn @ Random
3/25/2012 01:01:16 pm
Thank you Ma. Cynthia. Your words are so touching and profound.
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Tiffany
3/25/2012 12:27:42 pm
Wow. I can relate so much to this. I have been struggling with my mother's mental illnesses, my childhood, our estranged relationship, her continued threats of suicide. (Just last night taken to hospital for suicide threat; already released today.)
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Jenn @ Random
3/25/2012 12:59:35 pm
Ohh Tiffany, I read that and I get it. The guilt, the hope, the anger and the sadness all conflicting at the same time. It drives you in circles, you get so exhausted, you just coast. The phone rings you cringe, you get an email and you hold your breathe. You fight with yourself over and over..
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Tiffany
3/25/2012 01:24:02 pm
Jenn,
Tiffany
3/25/2012 01:24:24 pm
Jenn,
Dorie
3/25/2012 02:42:23 pm
Dear Jenn, and to you others who have posted comments here, this has been the most unbelievable help to me that you can possibly know. Your stories are mirror images of my own, and I am amazed to finally discover in my later years, that there are others out there who suffered what I and my siblings suffered with our mentally ill mother. She was a diagnosed "paranoid schizophrenic" with severe bi-polar symptoms, which back then they termed manic-depression or some such thing. She was a doctor Jekyl Mr Hyde for sure. I and my siblings suffered physical abuse, along with the mental and emotional abuse, and the constant manipulations and being used as her pawns in her schizo paranoias against other people. I don't trust anyone to this day.
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Tiffany
3/26/2012 11:12:29 am
Dorie,
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Tiffany
3/26/2012 11:12:47 am
Dorie,
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Dorie
3/27/2012 04:41:07 pm
Tiffany, thank you also for your encouraging words. It is good to know that I can help others with my story, as I have been helped by the other stories shared here, and by Jenn's blog.. My husband and my children still do not understand to this day, what my life was like, or what I went through as a child. There are huge parts of my life that will always be a mystery to them.. Finding other people who have the same childhood scars, helps me tremendously ... cuz only those who have gone through similar experiences can understand each other. People have help groups for everything these days. Children of a mentally ill mother, go through a unique type of suffering that is akin to none other, except children of alcoholic mothers. Not feeling alone lifts much of this burden. Dorie
Jane
3/25/2012 04:31:12 pm
Really could relate to this story, except my own mother is an alcoholic. I tried to get her to love me for many years, even though she said many times that I should have been aborted or given up for adoption. Despite her abuse and choosing to only love my brother. I still tried and failed. I now have PTSD and see both a Psychiatrist and a Trauma Therapist. Both of them and several Therapists before have told me to cut all ties and never look back, and that's what I had to do before she drove me to commit suicide, like she did my Dad to attempt it several times, only to fail. Dad is now practically a vegetable and I did all I could to get him away from her wrath but he wouldn't listen. So glad that she is out of my life and me, my husband or my children never have to deal with the pain that I did. I wouldn't wish anything that I went through on my worst enemy.
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Lacy
3/26/2012 12:25:16 am
Thank you for writting this, I was crying while I was reading it. It's like a window into my own life with my mother. My child hood was painful the only light in my life when I was growing up was my grandmother. My mother is also Bipolar, she is still living but I have not seen her in almost five years we talk but it is always very strange. I had to stop sending her money about 3 years ago and also had to stop picking up the mess that is her life for her. My father died in January of cancer, my brothers and I feel like we lost our only parent and it has made us think about our mom more. I would like to have her back in my life more but I dont know if I can handle it.
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Laura
3/26/2012 01:51:21 am
Thank you for sharing. I have recently been wondering about forgiveness and moving on to heal myself.
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3/26/2012 11:53:59 am
Jenn thank you for sharing your story. I went through a long period of sadness and grief because of sexual abuse. I came to realize that I had to forgive to move on and to not saddle my children with my problems. For me, the forgiveness let me move on and give my children the love and care they needed and deserved to grow into healthy adults. It was not easy to forgive, but I had to move on to become a better person and mother to my children.
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Dorie
3/26/2012 01:19:01 pm
It is amazing for me to see all of you who have commented on Jenn's blogs, with your similar stories of childhood abuse and suffering, for which you seek to be able to forgive. I think the greatest suffering of all, is to feel that you are the only person in the world who suffers from a certain predicament. Just reading all of your stories, has, for the first time in my life, let me know that I am not alone in what I went through as a child; and that there are others out there like me, who struggle to overcome similar scars from their childhood. Someone told me not to go on Jenn's facebook wall, for some odd reason because he did not agree with something she said .. so I went on it anyway, and found her blog, and it was such a comfort to read her words, and then meet all of the rest of you, who shared your own stories as well. I'm glad I ventured over to your wall Jenn, and found your words, and met all of you wonderful people. This was God who led me here. I no longer feel alone in my suffering anymore, knowing that there are others out there like me, who know what it is like to be so terribly hurt by a parent, a mother in particular. I'm so grateful to you Jenn for what you have started here. Thank you so very much .. and thank all of you and God bless you. Dorie
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