I Put Myself in a Timeout

Tomorrow is going to arrive whether I am ready or not. Let it. Because for right now, for these stolen moments, everything is fine. I am fine. You are fine. Tired maybe, a little beat up, but still breathing. Still standing. I'm gonna roll with that. Deal with tomorrow when it gets here. 
I'm just not going to worry about what hasn't happened yet.
 For right now, I'm just gonna be.
~J.V. Manning

I turned to my husband last night and asked him a simple question; "When is it my turn?" I work hard, take care of others and do good every chance I can. I am responsible. I am ethical. I do right when doing wrong would be so much easier. I take care of everyone else. I stand up for others and be their voice when their voice falters. Yet, every time I seem to turn around, life throws me another curve ball.

The past few months having been trying. The last remnants of the past that need to be cleared away once and for all have been begging for attention, work stress, life stress and out of my control situations. It dawned on me the other day, I'm exhausted. Soul exhausted. Throw-my-hands-up and say "NO MORE!" exhausted. The I-want-to-run-away-to-an-deserted-island exhausted. I'm frustrated. I'm cranky. I'm over it.

And I have absolutely no idea what to do about it.
Oh, wait. Yes I do. I am going to put myself in a timeout.

A timeout? Yep. Remember those as kids? When we misbehaved or did something wrong. When we let our emotions get out of control and frustrated our parents. Remember? When it felt like the world was ending because we had to sit in a corner or on the couch and couldn't move or do anything. Remember? I.Want.That. Except maybe not in a corner or sequestered on the couch. I want to take myself out of the game of life for a few innings and catch my breath. I want to fix the feeling of disconnect inside my soul. I want my strength back and if I continue on, maintain the status quo, I know in my heart of hearts - nothing will ever change. 

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Sometimes, our lives must be completely shaken up, changed and rearranged to get us on the path to where we are meant to be. I don’t know about you, but mine has been shaken, stirred and served on the rocks way too much. It has been twisted and turned so many times that I am surprised I still know which way is up. However, each time something shook my life up it always seemed to cause another piece to fall into place. Each time I learned a life lesson it brought me closer to the person I am supposed to be. Each instance scared the hell out of me and made me question every single thing I knew about myself, yet, without fail, every single time I came out changed and almost always for the better,though maybe a bit more jaded. 

I know it feels that each time life knocks me around it's harder and harder to see my way through and I think that’s because every time my life gets rocked, it is one step closer to where I am supposed to be and nothing in life worth having is ever easy. You have to tear down, rebuild and then do it all over again til you get it right. No one gets this life right all the time, no one. We are all just figuring it out as we go.

But there are those who see opportunity in the darkness. There are those who find their greatest strengths in their worst moments of weakness. I want to be one of those people. Wait, I am one of those people. It is just sometimes, I forget. Sometimes, I have to put myself in a time out. I have to take time to catch my breath. I have to get back in touch with that fire in my soul and get reacquainted with the fighter inside. Because it is so easy to forget. It is so easy to listen to the voices in this world who judge you, belittle you and it's so easy to allow yourself to be taken for granted. It's easy to get so bogged down with the shit life throws at you that you simply lose your mind.

I lost mine last week. I did. And while it wasn't my most stellar moment, it had to happen.

May had been a brutal month. Work stress building. Little "life" things were piling up. I was exhausted. On the last Friday of the month I learned that a friend had taken his own life, then two hours later, a horrific accident happened in front of my home. My husband and I flew outside to help the injured man, but alas, the only help we could offer him were our prayers and our voices so he would know he was not alone. Though paramedics responded swiftly, the young 21 year old kid didn't make it. In those eight seconds leading up to the crash, everything changed. Everything. That accident and news of my friend's death went through every single layer of defenses I have immediately. I was heartbroken, devastated and completely without a compass to tell me which direction to go.  

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For the first time in my life I just wanted to throw my hands up and say, "I quit!" Which I did, four days later, at work. After more than a decade, I left my job. Was I thinking rationally? Nope. But I had been unhappy for a long time and it all seem to come to a head suddenly. I realized I had no more to give them. I realized with sudden clarity, I had nothing more left inside of me to deal with all of the drama. In my head I found myself repeating - eight seconds. Eight seconds was the amount of time it took for that accident to happen. Eight seconds to claim a young life and devastate a family. Eight seconds.

I want every single eight seconds in my life to count. I want every single moment I have on this planet to mean something. I want to catch my breath, reconnect my soul to my mind, and get back out into this world and make a difference. I needed this time out more than I even realized. I have been doing, healing and figuring out so much over the past decade that I have not allowed myself a moment to just stop and be fine.

Tomorrow is going to arrive whether I am ready or not. Let it. Because for right now, for these stolen moments, everything is fine. I am fine. You are fine. Tired maybe, a little beat up, but still breathing. Still standing. I'm gonna roll with that. Deal with tomorrow when it gets here. I'm just not going to worry about what hasn't happened yet. 

For right now, I'm just gonna be.

When I asked my husband last night "when was it going to be my turn?" He just looked at me funny and in that moment I knew the answer. My turn is right now. I will pull in on myself and take my timeout because I need it. I'm no good to anyone otherwise. The world will not stop. We won't go broke (please buy my new book) and when the time is right, life will go forward again. But only when the time is right.

Put yourself in a timeout. You deserve it. Your soul needs it. You will be better for it.

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