I'm Over "Good Enough" I Want More

I don’t want platitudes or pats on the back. I want reality. If I am behaving badly, I want the people in my life to have the guts to look me in the eye and tell me I am being an asshole.
 I also want them to expect the same from me in return.
 I want honesty. Pure, uncensored honesty in everything.
~J.V. Manning

I am no longer satisfied by the status quo.
I am no longer willing to accept things that do not serve a purpose in my life.

I am tired of settling for good enough.

I want more out of life. I want more from me. I want more from you.

I want more real – stories, conversations, experiences – and less unnecessary banter about the weather, gossip about anything or anyone and whose 15 minutes of fame it currently is. I don’t care and I am done pretending to.

I want real.

When your life is falling apart, I want to sit with your pain and hold it awhile for you. I want to hug you, really hug you and lend you my strength. I want to cry with you. I want you to know you’re not alone and that nothing you are going through scares me enough to walk away. I may not understand, I may have no idea what it feels like but I won’t run away and though I may not have any answers – I can listen or just sit with you while you process. 

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I want to laugh for no other reason than because I can. I want to laugh until my belly hurts and tears are pouring from my eyes. I want to make others laugh with me even though they have no idea what is so funny but caught my giggles as if they were contagious.

I want certain people out of my life. For good.

Certain people I want to pull even closer because they make me a better person, people who challenge me, who make me feel. I want to feel more. I want to dig deep into the world and pull out things that make me think deep thoughts. Thoughts that fire up my muse and form words in my mind that travel the pathways of my soul and flow from my fingertips and out into the universe. I want to matter. I want you to know you matter. Matter to me. Matter to the world.

But most of all – I want you to matter to you.

I want to come alive. I want to look strangers in their eyes and drink in their essence. I want to know what they can teach me. Good or bad. I need both. I want random conversations with people in the checkout line at the grocery store. I want to walk past someone and have the words on the tip of my tongue that will bring a smile to their face. Then, I want them to go about their day and give that smile to others. I want to sit in coffee shops and eavesdrop on the conversations floating around to see what I can learn. I want to pay attention every day to find the lessons I know are all around me and ponder them until the wisdom blooms inside and I can take what I have learned out into the world and change it.

I want real.
I want tangible.

I want a life that makes me weep and laugh within the span of moments. I want to worry less about moving on and letting go and more about living in the moments as they come. I want more moments. Moments spent lying on my back staring up at the poofy clouds and finding shapes in them as they float by. I want to take time to let the breeze caress my face and not worry about what it’s doing to my hair. I want more road trips with no destinations and the courage to take unmarked roads to see where they go. I want moments of pure happiness for no other reason than I woke up to a brand new day and another chance to do something, anything. 

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I want to explore.
I want passion.

I want to stop healing and start living.

I want bad days, so I appreciate the good. I want to admit that I don’t always feel strong. That there are days when I feel as weak as a newborn. I want to be able to say - out loud - that I want someone to hold me, unafraid of my weakness and not beat myself up about it. I want to embrace my humanness. I want my world filled with people who can sit with my pain and be okay with it. I don’t want platitudes or pats on the back. I want reality. If I am behaving badly, I want the people in my life to have the guts to look me in the eye and tell me I am being an asshole. I also want them to expect the same from me in return. I want honesty. Pure, uncensored honesty in everything.  There will be times in life when I most definitely will not want to hear the truth and it is in those moments I need to hear it the most.

I want to trust more, yet, retain that inner bullshit sensor that warns me of those who are not as they appear to be. Not everyone is good. Not everyone is going to like me. Some, will hate me with everything they have. That’s life. They don’t have to like me. Some will invade my life from time to time and while  I know I do not have to show up for every battle I am invited to -I will always stand up for myself and speak my truths, while staying true to my own personal ethics and principles. People like this keep me honest. However, I do not need to accept it or allow it in my world. I have that power. You do it. It’s time we remember that.

We need to live passionately for others, yes. But we must, we must, live passionately for ourselves, too.

I want people to accept responsibility for their own lives and to stop looking around for someone to blame. I want to be surrounded by people who make mistakes. Epic mistakes. Then own them, fix them and learn from them. I want to know people who aren’t afraid to say they’re sorry. I want people who know both their light and their dark sides and aren’t afraid to embrace them both. None of us are perfect, that is the beauty of life. Our stories are in our flaws, our uniqueness is what both separates us from others and bonds us with those whose flaws mesh with our own, so together we can become a tribe of humans who just want to live and experience life without fear, judgement or shame. 

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I want to be around souls who aren’t ashamed of who they are. Souls who live out loud because they know it’s their right to do so. I want to take those who struggle with this by the hand and help them see themselves as I do – amazing just the way they are.

I want long rambling conversations about anything and everything. I want to talk about sex, the messiness of relationships and what they teach us. I want to talk about love and how it can tear your heart to shreds one moment and heal all your wounds the next. I want to know your soul. I want to talk about what you hate, what makes you furious and then I want to know what you do about it. I want to hear all the things you keep inside out of fear, your wild dreams and hopes, your thoughts on life, and I want you to listen to me in return.

I want to make people think. I want to challenge people to explore the depths of their own souls. I want to journey with those willing to challenge me to do the same. 

I’m tired of the status quo. I’m tired of worrying about tomorrow, next week and the what ifs of life. I am desperate for real, for the nitty gritty that makes this life one hell of a ride. I want to be courageous. I want to be brave. I want to go out into the world and leave my mark on it because I can. Because that is what all of us are here for. To live. To love. To learn. To heal. To take everything before this moment and use what we have learned to make the next moment and the one after that - amazing. I want to challenge the status quo. I want to challenge myself. I want to go out and make a mess, make a fool of myself if that’s what it takes and close out every day knowing I did my best.

I want to go to sleep every single night, worn out and exhausted because I lived and loved as hard as I could. I want to close my eyes and whisper a thank you to the universe for bringing people into my life that needed me as much as I needed them.

Then, with the dawning of a new day, I want to do it all over again.

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