Remember, the ones who know the least about you -
will always be the ones with the most to say. Let them talk.
People make assumptions about my life. They assume they know why I do, say or behave the way I do. A few will go so far as to say that they know me better than I know myself. I know of one that even keeps a file on me, she believes that her understanding of my life, actions and decisions far exceeds my own. She honestly thinks that she knows my story better than I do.
I could defend myself, actions or decisions. I could. But, I won't. Because to explain myself would make it seem like I actually cared what she thinks. I don't. It would also play into her fantasy that she is entitled to an explanation. She isn't. Never has been. Does this stop the intrusions into my world - nope. Doesn't stop the needless potshots hoping for a reaction either. I just do what I have always done. Ignore her. Hoping eventually she will tire of the need to be privy to the inner workings of my world.
People who make assumptions about you and your life often do so in hopes that you will offer an explanation that will give them a glimpse of a life they secretly covet or show them that you require their approval in what you do. It's a control thing. A power play. My advice, don't play the game. The more you feel the need to explain yourself, the more power you give away. You are telling someone else to judge your decisions, actions or behavior in hopes that it mirrors the true reason behind doing what you did.
People like to think the worst about others, judging everything someone else does. Normally, so far off base that when you hear what they say about you, you feel like you have to explain yourself. Why you did what you did, said what you did or didn't do for that matter. Most people want others to understand them and seek approval from outside sources. You do not have to do this. The only person you need to be right with, is yourself. Let them think the worst if they want to, resist the urge to explain yourself. Explaining yourself only makes them feel entitled to know everything you do. They aren't. Unless you want to bring certain people into the inner circle of your life, and those are the ones who do not require an explanation about anything, then what anyone thinks, or thinks they have a right to know is absolutely ridiculous. It would be like explaining to the guy ringing up your groceries why you felt the need to buy that double chocolate cupcake. It is none of his business. None of their business.
Let people think what they want - you can't control that. You do not need their approval. You do not need them to understand you. You do not need to explain yourself to them. They are not entitled to the inner workings of your mind. They have no privilege to your thoughts or actions. If they get you, great. If they don't, screw 'em. Stop giving your power away. Stop feeling the need to explain your actions. You wanted that double chocolate cupcake. So you bought it. The end. You deal with you on it. Eat the damn cupcake and when someone looks to you and asks; “Do you really need that cupcake?" Look them square in the eye and reply; "What's it to you?"
Be confident in your abilities to make good decisions and your abilities to own bad ones. Do what you want to do. Be in line with your beliefs, your heart and soul. Your life is just that - yours. Let them judge you. Let them make assumptions. You know your heart. You know your motivating factors. You know your thoughts. If you are good, then they should be good. If they aren't - nothing you could do or say will matter to those types anyway. So, why bother?
The only one you need to be good with at the end of the day - is you. Resist the need to explain yourself. Be confident. Own your life. Trust yourself. If you need approval go look in the mirror and remind yourself of your reasons.
Remember, the ones who know the least about you - will always be the ones with the most to say. Let them talk.
Just be you and be happy - it drives them crazy.
1/18/2015 11:25:43 pm
Thank you. You have no idea how timely this is for me. I chose to make some major life changes in the last six months and as a result some family members are not speaking to me because I didn't discuss my plans with them first. I've always been accused of being secretive. I'm not. I'm private. This post perfectly explains how I've always felt. Thank you again.
1/19/2015 06:03:05 am
This fits me as well! I too have chosen not to explain myself to family members any more for this very reason.. they assume and judge, therefore, have been accused of being secretive.. not true just private.. as a result we speak very very little :( Perfect post! Thank you
1/19/2015 11:28:01 am
A. I feel you. Their loss. Your right to privacy is your truth. I am glad that you are living your truth. Though, sad they are behaving this way. Thank you for your message and I am happy that this piece resonated with you. Big hugs from me and a High Five! for living your life as you see fit and making changes to get to where YOU want to be.
1/19/2015 11:29:43 am
Live your truth Michelle!! As long as you are good with you - that's all that matters. I hope this piece fuels you even more!!
1/19/2015 04:02:13 am
Thanks for voicing these sentiments so clearly. Ten years ago I eliminated a "friend" from my life who had an insatiable need to pry into and ask questions about my personal life. After being asked, told and warned, she continued to pry and try to include herself in things I was doing with others. Not wanting to have every other friendship contaminated by this toxic person, I finally had enough and told her I was done and to never contact me again in any way. Never looked back and never regretted my choice.
1/19/2015 11:32:48 am
JCP - Been there, good for you for standing up for yourself and not allowing her toxicity in your world any longer. My "Let it Go" Mantra has gotten me through so much.
1/19/2015 07:34:31 am
This is just awesome!
1/19/2015 11:30:08 am
You are just awesome for saying so!!
1/20/2015 03:47:27 am
Oh my goodness. I wish I'd been able to think like this years ago. It's taken me 53yrs and I have to say I still fall into the trap you have so articulately spoken of. As an older experienced mother of two - 39 when I had my third and last child - I found myself explaining and apologising for my very existence to those who were and are irrelevant to me. I eventually exploded ... so to speak. I still inadvertently catch myself lapsing occasionally, a habit of a lifetime is hard to break but now I know when I am doing so and I stop. Thank you so much, you are an inspiration. XXX
1/20/2015 10:37:05 am
I sometimes catch myself, too. It really is a hard habit to let go. But, one that is so toxic to our souls. I am so happy that you found the confidence to stand your ground. I bet you are an awesome mom and what a wonderful thing to teach your children. To just be themselves.
3/25/2015 09:47:58 am
Definately. Thankyou. Good to know I'm not alone with these convictions. There are a thousand methods to try break one's adherance to this, and no matter how selfish it may appear to be, it's so neccessary for one's integrity and ability to be authentic and real. And we need all the 'real' people we can get these days. Good words. Good affirmations.
3/26/2015 12:06:21 am
Wow..like I look in a mirror. It took me 55 years to understand or recognise this. And I'm still strugling. Sometimes I still feel the need to explain why I don't want any contact with one of my family. To her or to people around us. Falling again and again into this trap. Thank you...and thanks to the persons who also write comments. ps English is not my birth-language so I hope you understand my comment.
3/26/2015 12:46:05 am
hi, I'd like you to know that every word, everything you've said is precious. I wanted to write the best words down in my journal and I realized I'm about to write the whole article down... Thank you again.
10/2/2015 07:23:24 am
Thank you so much for this. It's been a tough couple days after I made a decision regarding work. The funny thing is a couple of the people who currently have a lot to say on my choice have done the same. Then I came across this article and it was everything I needed to hear. I read it again this morning just to remind myself again that it was my choice and I don't regret it. This may be my daily affirmation from here on out. Thank you!
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