We learn and grow by taking chances. We get to the next step and the one after that not by playing into our fear but by using it to motivate and inspire us. We won’t get any further in life if all we do is go in controlled circles. Life is taking chances. Leaps of faith. Life has to have meaning but it never will if we don’t do our part to discover what that looks like to us.
~ J.V. Manning
Sometimes the voice inside my head is a snarky bitch.
She is good at it, too. Sneaky, cunning and incredibly negative, I often don’t even realize what she is doing until it’s too late and I am a downward spiral into a place I don’t like being. Lost, confused and reacting in old patterns that I have long given up or rather, thought I’d given up. She doesn’t yell or threaten. She doesn’t make huge declarations. No, she wears me down over time. Using repetitive phrases like; “It’ll never work,” or “Something will go wrong,” or “You’re just not enough. Not talented enough, motivated enough, brave enough.” “Don’t even try,” is another one of her favorites. “No one cares.” “You’ll never make it, why bother?” “You’re just not worth it.” She has a litany of mean, hateful phrases she utters from the dark recesses of my mind. She mocks me and my dreams from a quiet corner of my soul and quite frankly, she’s believable because she comes off as my voice of reason. But, she isn’t. Not even close. But she causes me to get overwhelmed, sabotage myself in subtle and not so subtle ways and it’s only after I get to the point where I completely spin out, that I realize what I had been playing into.
I really, really want to strangle her. Which would be weird because she is a part of me, right? And I should at least try and find out what’s going on with her. Why she’s doing this to me.
Why am I doing this to myself? A question I have spent the past couple of weeks pondering on, as I find myself going in circles and becoming increasingly overwhelmed with life. Frustrated. Crabby. Exhausted, so exhausted. Just not myself. I can’t make a decision to save my life because every time I feel confident about something; those snarky whispers start making me question everything and thus, I spin out - again. I feel crazy. I’m not. But, I feel it. I hate it. It’s hard to quiet your mind when you have so much to do, take care of and accomplish. If you’re like me when you get overwhelmed with life, you shut down because it’s all just too much. Which leads to a wicked stress belly because I know some things need doing but I just can’t figure out where to start. Honestly, I can’t even find the energy sometimes because it’s as if I know I won’t get everything accomplished, which that snarky, negative nelly voice in my head can’t wait to point out to me, so I do mindless things that do nothing more than eat up time. Finishing up the day even more frustrated than I started and angry at myself. Ever drive yourself crazy? It’s a wild ride isn’t it? When life feels like it’s totally spinning out of control, you’re not anywhere close to where you want or think you should be, and you have no idea how you got here? When you want to throw your hands up and yell; “STOP! Let me catch my breath” to the universe, the moon, stars, God, Angels; whoever will listen? When you have no idea what comes next because you can’t silence the snark inside your mind long enough to figure anything out?
When the one person you need a break from the most – is the one you can never get away from – yourself.
I’ve pissed myself off more in the past few weeks than I have in years. I blamed Mercury Retrograde. I blamed the weather. I blamed my husband, my job, my intense schedule. I am always doing something, but it never, ever feels like enough. I feel like I’ve spent days on a stationary bike, peddling like a madwoman who was expecting to get somewhere, only to realize hours later she hasn’t moved an inch. “You are always doing something, but it’s never enough, is it?” Another one of the snarky wench’s favorite phrases. I got to the point where I wanted to crawl out of my skin. I wanted to walk away from everything and start over. Then tension in my body was overwhelming, and I wanted to scream in frustration. It was then the primal fight or flight kicked in and my inner warrior decided to show up finally and call my snarky inner shrew out. The conversations in my mind and soul got pretty intense. You really can’t hide from yourself for too long, eventually, you need to get down to business and figure your shit out. I may have wanted to run, but I wouldn’t allow it. Plus, honestly, you can run and run and run some more, but this stuff will follow you to the ends of the earth until you stop and face yourself. I am not going to say this was easy. It wasn’t. It was exhausting, fraught with sadness and sudden revelations that I wasn’t prepared for. But, it needed to happen because it helped me figure out why I kept getting in my way and lead me to the essence of that snarky harpy I just needed to silence.
She is my fear. She is my worry. She isn’t trying to tear me down. She is attempting to protect me. She wants to me quit growing and changing because she is scared of the unknown. She wants me to get up, go to work, come home and be safe. She is my inner control freak screaming because I am challenging her in ways she has never known, and she is terrified.
She is also the side of me who has seen enough chaos to last ten lifetimes and who is convinced that playing it safe, not taking chances, not being brave enough to challenge myself to reach new heights, is the only way to hold on to the peace she finally has. Have you ever been at a turning point in life where you have no idea what you’re doing but know that’s precisely the point? We learn and grow by taking chances. We get to the next step and the one after that not by playing into our fear but by using it to motivate and inspire us. We won’t get any further in life if all we do is go in controlled circles. Life is taking chances. Leaps of faith. Life has to have meaning but it never will if we don’t do our part to discover what that looks like to us. I ran myself into the ground. I got in my way. That snarky voice we all have inside of us comes from somewhere. It’s an echo of childhood; an echo of years of being told we aren’t enough. It’s the culmination of all the fears and self-doubt we have inside. Some we have been conditioned with, some we bring on ourselves. Those vicious thought patterns we cling to because we believe them more than the quiet voice whispering the encouragement of our soul, our authentic self. I made the conscious decision to try and make friends with that snarky bitch. I needed to not only silence her but heal her. Throwing more anger at her wasn’t the answer. Allowing my frustration to come fully to fruition wasn’t the right way to handle it either. We have to understand why that voice is the loudest one we hear, and we must search for ways to not just silence it once and for all but to heal it. It serves no purpose in our life and only holds us back. It’s not easy. It requires trust. It requires love and patience. It requires bravery and tenaciousness. But if we can’t learn to face ourselves, we will never get to where we want, deserve and need to be. Silence the snark within. Make peace with it. Coax your best self forward and learn to trust, believe and love you as you go. You’re not crazy. You are enough. So enough. More than enough. And you’re worth it.
15 Comments
LOVE THIS!!
2/16/2016 12:02:47 am
You, sweet Jenn, again hit the nail right on the head. I am exhausted! I DO fight that battle in my head every day. And as you age it does get harder to dig deep and fight! Yesterday, when asked if there is stress in my life...I had to laugh half-heartedly so as not to cry. And replied, "my life is one big ball of stress". I go round and round and build such grand plans, only to watch them crumble and get swept away as though they were a sandcastle on a beach. But I believe the universe is truly telling me, "there is no more time to waste!" NO TIME for excuses or unfulfilled tomorrows. I am worth it! Love & hugs. And once again thank you for not holding back and laying it all out on the floor so we can know we are not alone in this journey.
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Random Jenn
2/18/2016 07:22:06 pm
You are SO worth it my friend. And you're not alone, not by a long shot. Sounds like you had a bit of an epiphany!! I am so excited this piece resonated with you and helped you to realize how fantastically awesome and worthy you are. Go you!!
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Paul W.Moberg
2/16/2016 03:01:06 pm
Always great to read what she has posted. Her writing has been and continues to give me strength to go on with my life. She is Wonderful and a Must read.
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Random Jenn
2/18/2016 07:23:17 pm
Sweet Paul, you are such a bright light in my life. Thank you for your kind words and for being a part of my little random world here. You are a beautifully sweet gentleman and I am honored to call you my friend.
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Alice Fancher
2/16/2016 06:01:00 pm
Very insightful. I'm proud of you!
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Random Jenn
2/18/2016 07:23:44 pm
Thank You, Alice!!
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Steve
2/16/2016 07:58:27 pm
Rick Warren said it well just a few weeks ago, perhaps in a book: FEAR is False Expectations Appearing Real. In my work (I am a software developer) it occurred to me today that so many times I go in to work in the morning for a really big car company with big expectations and I have NO idea how to do what has to be done .... and not every day brings answers .... and the rewards can be fleeting .... and yet somehow I know my little part somehow keeps the big picture process moving forward .... I've learned to not even bother thinking about it. I just do it. I leave the rest in God's hands for whatever His purpose is.
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Random Jenn
2/18/2016 07:25:44 pm
Hey Steve,
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Jeremy
2/16/2016 11:27:53 pm
Very fine Jenn. Whao. One of the biggest and baddest battles was to silence and and eventually start to heal that snarky inner bitch. Whao. I get it. I really get it. And yes it takes a hell of a lot of energy.. Just beautiful Jenn and well put. Thank you for sharing. Reading that was a good lil topper off'er. We all have ability to overcome that inner bitch. And what I really like about you and one you say often is. Doing the work, being willing to do the work and don't give up. And be strong 💪.
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Random Jenn
2/18/2016 07:28:00 pm
Thank You, Jeremy. Your words made me smile. I shall be strong, always. I need that strength to strange that snarky inner bitch.. :)
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Random Jenn
2/18/2016 07:29:17 pm
Thank You, Judith. It is comments like this that fuel me on every day. I am honored to have you with me on this journey through life and touched at the sentiment of your words.
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Marie Baertschi
2/22/2016 07:53:14 am
Oh sweet Jenn,
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Random Jenn
2/22/2016 08:17:49 pm
Oh, sweet Marie. I just adore you. I promise to never stop writing, if you promise to never stop reading :) I am touched by your words, my friend. Thank You.
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Di
7/18/2016 11:06:32 pm
Ms Marie your words gave me strength and guidance in helping myself & Goddaughter. God Bless You With Many More Blessings.
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