I stood in the face of every single storm and challenged it to be the one that would break me. I stood my ground and fought like hell. I’d end up battered and bruised but still standing. Over and over and over. My ability to withstand every damn thing life threw at me became what I was most proud of. ~ J.V. Manning Sometimes, to move forward in life, you must journey back through all that has led you to this moment. It’s hard to see the impact of the trials you navigated and the lessons each brought forth when you are smack dab in the middle of trying to figure life out. Healing can be messy and dark; painful and soul-crushing. Grief can rob even the best days of any shred of happiness and hope can be a cruel mistress, taunting you to believe that you will eventually get to the other side of it while the voices in your head are busy trying to convince you that it will always be just out of reach. As the dawn of 2010 approached, I found myself standing at the precipice of a decade that would change, destroy, and catapult my life in ways I never thought possible. Unimaginable loss. Impossible choices. Storms clouded my existence from the very start, and I constantly had to collect shattered pieces of who I was and try to put them back into some semblance of order only to have them break again and again. After a while, I stopped trying to put pieces back together. They would never look like they did. They would never bring back loved ones or come together to make me whole because by breaking, they had changed the entire landscape of my life. In September 2010, I sat at my kitchen table and created Random Thoughts n’ Lotsa Coffee. A website and blog that would turn into one of my greatest accomplishments. I never thought past the next blog post or how large the community on the Random Thought’s Facebook page would grow. It never occurred to me that people needed my words as much as I needed to write them. Opening my soul to the entire world should have scared the shit out of me. It never did. I felt like a weary traveler going city to city, town to town, picking up lost souls like me who needed someone to understand them. Ultimately, what I created that day would save my heart, as the next seven years would try like hell to break me in every way possible. Every time a piece of my soul would break off, I would write about it. Every time I would see something that touched my heart or made me think, I wrote about it. I convinced myself that I was giving my soul an avenue to heal, and I was, but at the same time, I wasn’t permitting myself to embrace the dark times. Choosing instead to face them head-on and plow my way through – I was the strong one, the one who doesn’t break. I got this, and I did for a long time. I stood in the face of every single storm and challenged it to be the one that would break me. I stood my ground and fought like hell. I’d end up battered and bruised but still standing. Over and over and over. My ability to withstand every damn thing life threw at me became what I was most proud of. I wouldn’t allow myself to acknowledge the damage each inflicted on my heart, soul, and mind. I wasn’t going to break damn it, and that was all that mattered. I turned my storms into words. Those words helped others. Helping others was all the justification I needed to keep going the way I was. I lasted six years of this. Six years. From 2010 to 2016, I buried my mother and grandmother, my mentor, and too many friends. I took on doctors and specialists to figure out my husband’s mystery illness that made it impossible for him to breathe and tried not to panic as the medical bills went over $100K. I took some serious abuse from my husband’s ex-wife for years and her inexplicable meddling in my life while never allowing it to shade my love for my stepson. I also worked 18 hours a day, seven days a week, determined to write and design posts for the Random Thoughts world, and maintain a full-time job that I needed to keep up with all the mounting bills. I lost my entire family within the first two years of this decade, and the intense fallout from my mother’s death by suicide was soul-shattering. It's as if this past decade was the culmination of a journey that began when I was a child. I've spent the past decade shrouded in a darkness that penetrated to my very center. I have questioned every facet of my life, looked every demon in the eye. I have spent time with memories that have broken my heart over and over to try and take away their power. Exhaustion took over my soul. Still, I persisted. My writing sustained me. It fueled me every single day. However, the pressure to produce content for the website and the Facebook page was daunting at times. Designing posts for the page took time away from writing. Writing took time away from working with some beautiful souls I’d connected with through my work. I was juggling so much, for so long that I became fearful of what would happen if I slipped just a little. I never took days off. I never stopped long enough to catch my breath. It never occurred to me that it was too much. I was happiest when I was writing and creating. I felt centered and challenged to finally explore what I was capable of. I’ve always been a writer. Since I was a child and learned that letters formed words and words formed sentences, and those sentences could bring a whole new world into existence. However, I never shared my words with anyone until September of 2010; and it just happened to be timed with the worst decade in my entire life. Writing has been and will always be my path to solace, but I’ve learned recently it cannot be the only work that I do to get to where I want and deserve to be in life. In January of 2016, I rescued an Australian Kelpie from a local animal shelter. He’d had a rough start to life and had been abandoned at birth. Murphy became my shadow, my best friend. He got me out into the sunshine and laid at my feet when I would write. I was starting to trust that everything was in the process of finally coming together. I was content. Then in March of 2016, life would throw yet another curveball. My husband’s father suffered a severe heart attack. Two weeks in intensive care, followed by months of rehab and eventually, moving him in with us. The time I would have spent writing was now spent caring for a man who, at best, was a simmering volcano of anger apt to rupture at a moment’s notice and, at worst, a ball of fury and sly manipulations. I packed away my writing room so he could move in, and in doing so, packed away my battered heart and soul. Simply put – I gave up. There was no huge declaration of defeat. I didn’t throw a tantrum and stomp my feet. I would get up every day and do what I needed to do to get through it. I lost my job because of all the time I’d missed, and it just seemed par for the course. My laptop died. I took it as a sign that maybe, life just wasn’t supposed to ever be about what I needed, and while I couldn’t get rid of it – I packed it away with my soul and left it to collect dust. He finally got better and went back to his own house. But the damage had been done. It is amazing what we can convince ourselves of when we need to. I felt like a failure. The words were always swirling around in my head, my muses constantly in my ears, but I wouldn’t allow myself to pick up where I’d left off. I couldn’t stand the thought of losing it all again. So, I started a new job and worked ridiculous hours, arriving home exhausted and unable to think. I couldn’t bear to look at the Random Thoughts Facebook page because I felt so horrible about letting everyone down. The truth is, it wasn’t my angry father-in-law that broke me; it was the simple fact that while I may have faced this entire decade head-on and battled my way through, eventually, it all caught up with me. My entire being was exhausted. I was tired. I was tired of hurting. I was tired of losing. Tired of letting go. I was tired of the words that I was writing to encourage others because they started to feel hollow. My soul was exhausted, and I allowed my flame to blow out. I may have made it through to the Other Side, but now that I was there – I didn’t know who I was, what I wanted to do, or if I even had the energy to figure any of it out. No one tells you this. Everyone, me included, tell people facing dark times that they will get to the other side of it eventually. But what no one tells you is there is no road map to life once you get there. No one ever tells you that the other side is a brand-new slate, and you, and only you, have the responsibility to create the life you want. I wasn’t prepared for any of it. Frankly, I was just too exhausted to give a damn. It was like being adrift in the middle of the ocean when suddenly you come upon a beautiful island, so many roads to choose from, so many adventures, new friends and ideas. So much hope. It’s overwhelming. It’s too much. So, you sit on the beach and spend some time reacclimating to yourself. You’ll move when you’re ready. It appears I wasn’t ready for the next two years. I needed to appreciate my journey this past decade fully, and I needed to do it alone. I tend to give away a lot of myself and for this part of my life, I just couldn’t. See I’d been so determined to face everything, deal with it, and move on, I never really allowed myself time to grieve. I never allowed myself time to feel angry or sad. In doing so, I never went deep enough inside myself to fully heal. I needed time to acclimate to what life looked like now. I needed time to figure out what I wanted going forward. Time to discard all those broken pieces that no longer have a place in my life; saying goodbye to some of them was incredibly difficult. Making peace with all that transpired took time. But what took the most time was trying to figure out who I was now. I turned 40 in December 2017, and it was one of the most monumental birthdays I’ve ever had. I was thrilled to turn 40. Thrilled to have reached this fresh chapter in my life, just as I am thrilled to be ending this decade. As 2020 comes rushing at us, I find that for the first time in a while, I’m feeling hopeful. I am feeling at peace. More settled inside my physical body than ever before. Centered and determined. I’ve earned this. I brought my writing desk out from storage. A good friend worked some magic on my old laptop and got it working again. I may not have it all figured out yet, but one thing is for certain, I need to write. I need to go back to my community of Regulars and hope they understand my disappearance. I need to rejoin the world and bring my unique perspective to the table.
I’ve been to hell and back more times than I can count, but here I am, still standing. Stronger and determined, but content and peaceful at the same time. I had to do the work to get here. I hope that all of you who have been with me from the beginning, joined somewhere along the way, or are just finding me now, come along with me on this new adventure. I promise to always be real with you. Life is too short for anything less. I won’t sugarcoat this – I am scared to start again. Losing everything I worked so hard for hurt me deeply. More deeply than I realized. Starting over, recommitting myself, and allowing myself to dream again is harder than it should be, but it’s not as hard as finding the courage to believe in myself has been. I do not know what the future holds or what my tomorrows will look like; I just know I need to show up and do my best every day. There is no manual to life, we’re all just making it up as we go, but I am not afraid of making mistakes, I am, however, scared to death of not even trying. Closing the chapter of this decade is over, and it’s time to start fresh. That’s is one of the most beautiful things with life – the power of new beginnings.
41 Comments
Amanda Olsen
12/2/2019 06:18:26 pm
Welcome, not back, but in. Write on.
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Jan Currier
12/3/2019 11:32:12 am
Don't ever let your flame blow out dear one! God Bless You
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Terri Brantley
12/2/2019 06:20:34 pm
Welcome back.
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Terri
12/2/2019 06:29:54 pm
Sometimes life just gets too heavy. Kudos to you for getting back up and facing these things head on. No guilt. No shame. Been with you from the beginning. Still with you now. Prayers for peace for you.
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Diane Bobinski
12/2/2019 06:31:42 pm
Welcome Back!
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Roxane
12/2/2019 06:32:07 pm
Your words are beautiful. Thank You for them. Welcome back.
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Wendy
12/2/2019 06:35:34 pm
I admire you.....I myself am stuck in limbo and finding my way back to myself. Your page was my favorite, i look forward to having you back.
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Regina
12/2/2019 06:47:33 pm
🌻
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Annie
12/2/2019 06:47:55 pm
You’ve been missed. Welcome home 💜
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Sandy
12/2/2019 06:48:09 pm
You are a true inspiration for so many. Thank you for not giving up. God never promised us a pain free life. He promised comfort in the storms. God bless you.
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Candas Merry
12/2/2019 06:48:13 pm
As a pastor wife the enemy has come against me more than I care to admit even after my dad died 5 yrs ago I didn’t want to be here cause I missed him so much I remember in gods word how David encouraged himself when people were wanting to kill him in the Bible I sing a song because he lives I can face tomorrow one of my favorite and another song about when the storm gets so rough he will say that’s enough 19 yrs ago I had a liver transplant after waiting for 2 and 1/2 yrs for one I’m blessed and thankful for the last 19 yrs even during some storms that came my way I stood on God’s word
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12/2/2019 06:49:55 pm
Wow, you have been through so much. Your renewed effort of writing will be, I think the word is cathartic. Here's hoping you can find some peace and solace. I will be looking forward to reading your captivating writings.
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Chris Baier
12/2/2019 06:51:40 pm
Welcome back Jenn. Your writing speaks to me as much now as I did back then. Take care of yourself.
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Nancy
12/2/2019 06:53:58 pm
I understand the struggles you have endured. There were times I wanted to give up taking care of my late husband. I’m glad I didn’t because it made me a better and stronger person. Continue with your writing, it will help you heal.
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Marcia Juengel
12/2/2019 06:54:32 pm
A warm welcome back.
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Deb Hobson
12/2/2019 06:57:16 pm
Wow! We have A LOT in common!...even the timing. I “feel” your pain because I’ve been there too. I’m so glad you’re back and look forward to your posts/blogs!
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Debi Faulkner
12/2/2019 07:06:14 pm
<3
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Raini
12/2/2019 07:20:58 pm
I am so glad you are back. When I first found you on Facebook, my world had changed drastically. Your daily posts kept me going. It was almost as if you had lived pieces of my life and really understood my own thoughts. I started writing my book, while being encouraged by your words. I then had my world change again, 2 years ago. I took a break from my book. I have been really trying to continue on, but I keep finding it difficult, and take another break. Today, again, shocking twist in my world. Oh how I was so pleased to see your smiling face. Perhaps together, we can keep up the encouragement that we need, to face our fears, hold our heads high, embrace our new life, and finally live our life. Welcome back!
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Em
12/2/2019 07:29:10 pm
Welcome back. Thank for sharing.
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Cindy H.
12/2/2019 07:41:15 pm
Life can be so damned hard! Glad you are still alive and kicking...and now ready to get back to what you love doing! :)
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Ramona C
12/2/2019 08:13:07 pm
I'm so glad that you are back. I am sorry that you had to go through so kuch sadness and at the same time happy that you tried your best and never gave up. I would search for your page and see that you hadn't posted anything for some time. I saw a friend of yours post something and twice I asked her about you. She answered both times you were busy with life and right now you couldn't dedicate your time to your page. I prayed for you and asked for you to get over the slump of whatever was keeping you away. Now I'm looking forward to your postings❤ God bless
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Karen Spurk
12/2/2019 08:14:28 pm
So thankful to hear that you're willing to resume your journey. I've missed the reflection and repartee! Welcome, and onward!
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Laurie Tucker
12/2/2019 08:40:36 pm
Your words have spoken to my soul in many ways, you have been missed, so welcome back to a brand new adventure!
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Chloe T.
12/2/2019 08:46:18 pm
How gratifying it must have been, to find a small piece of yourself waiting for you, for when the time was right, to take you on a similar path, yet one that has far more potential than the last. Lessons come, always...but not always in volume, such as you have experienced. To read your heart along with the frustrations and disappointments, the resounding resilience you have comes through loud and strong! So many clichés can be used...'tomorrow's a new day, a new start',' this will only make you stronger', 'it can only break you if you let it',...so many. But you found your strength, your courage, your own way up and out, and now we can listen and learn from you. Your heart has not been jaded, you have wisdom at a young age, and we await these little tidbits that will fortify many who will go through some of the same. We always need someone to 'speak our pain', when we cannot during difficult times, so thank you for sharing this gift I don't think 'welcome back' applies. But we are glad to know the 'new and fortified' you...start writing. Hugs!
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Margaret
12/2/2019 08:52:57 pm
So very happy that you are back! Missed you and your soulful writing!
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Joni South
12/2/2019 10:07:08 pm
Your words are such an inspiration to so many of us, you have overcome so many obstacles, heartaches and hardships, you never really gave up or you wouldn’t have come back, I’m so homered to callyou my friend and congratulations on a new journey. Welcome back
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12/2/2019 10:16:35 pm
You summed up so much of me, you wrote what I was scared to write. You shared a truth that was strong and confident, yet broken and weak at times, like a real heroine. Don't we all wish we had the insight and perseverance that you pain stakingly wrote, so eloquently. Just exactly what I needed at the right time. Hugs for you and your truth.
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Sharon
12/2/2019 10:23:01 pm
Nice to see you back! I enjoy your writings.
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12/3/2019 02:52:09 am
When i first starting reading your posts i was doing ok..i have had a decade of rough...times..also,,i am still standing...thank God...I so glad you are beginning ..again ..this time stronger..and wiser
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I hope you will not feel bad about letting go of your writing when you did. We can’t always fight battles. Sometimes we choose the battles. And sometimes we lay our swords down and let it be. Who you are will always be there and return at the right time. Like right now. You have returned. And you will move forward with grace. Hugs!
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Robin
12/3/2019 09:06:34 am
So very glad to see you back. I am so sorry to hear what you have gone through and I hope things stay positive for you. I have always found your posts to be funny, inspiring and sometimes like I could have written them. I am the one who lives in Conway NH, just over the border from Maine. I hope someday we can have time to get coffee and say hello.
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Jackie
12/5/2019 05:47:29 pm
Wow...what an incredible journey. Not that you owed anyone an explanation for your absence...So very sorry for all of the crap that was thrown at you, but I'm so happy that you're doing better and have returned to your writing. I've missed your wit, sincerity, and love of coffee. Welcome back. Sending lots of hugs from me and my furries in Missouri <3
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Eileen J Luedtke
12/8/2019 09:27:18 am
((❤)) Welcome back Jenn!!!
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josh
12/20/2019 02:36:56 am
Never give up sister. Your words are PURE INSPIRATION as you reflect on life and things we all face in our daily lives.
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Renee
12/26/2019 11:57:10 am
I want to thank you for all the times your blogs and your posts have helped me during my difficult times. You are never truly lost oh, some days the way just is a little harder to see through. Know that you are appreciated, and I look forward to see your posts and blogs every day. Thank you, and praying that 2020 will be an outstanding year for you ❤
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Jeanette
12/27/2019 04:02:38 pm
I am happy you're back . I've missed you...
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Kimberly J Peay
2/25/2020 12:49:57 pm
Thank you. You are, and have, a beautiful soul.
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Lu
3/22/2020 02:43:30 am
I can’t believe I found you. I’ve missed you so much! You are the realest person I’ve ever come a crossed. You’re so good with your words, thoughts and especially your coffee. Welcome back with all my heart! You’re biggest fan!!!
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