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Standing On The Sidelines.

1/21/2013

11 Comments

 
It is one of the hardest things in life we face. Our powerlessness 
to help someone we love.
~J.V. Manning

I remember sitting there in the brightly lit emergency room blind to the hustle all around me. The stringent smell of antiseptic in my nose and the nervous feeling in my belly. I had grown accustomed to the wait and the fear as I had been in this ER so many times at that point with my husband that it was starting to feel like home. Each time with the same goal in mind- getting my husband to breathe normally. I sat and watched him struggle for the very air so many of us took for granted. Knowing that there was absolutely nothing I could do for him to make it better. Except love him and keep my shit together.

It was during one of the many visits to the ER that I had a huge life epiphany that would carry across to many situations I would face in my life. As I sat there with him holding his hand I realized my breathing had changed. I was taking deep lung fulls of air and calmly releasing them. Over and Over.

 I had been trying to breathe for him.
I did not even realize I was doing it. So great my need to help him- I wanted to breathe for him. It was crushing at the time to come to the conclusion that regardless of how hard I tried, how strong I willed it and how much power I could put behind it I would never be able to breathe for him. The powerlessness and guilt was overwhelming. 

It was a life lesson that I will never forget.

It is one of the hardest things in life we face. Our powerlessness to help someone we love. To grab the reins and step in to make it all better. Sometimes we can't breathe for them. Sometimes they have got to be the one to breathe on their own. Regardless of how much love we have for them. How much strength we have to give them. How much insight and ideas we have to help them make a better life, better choices or get to a better place. Sometimes we can't. Sometimes we have to step back. Sometimes a loved one is facing or dealing with something that regardless of how hard we try, how hard we pray; only they can fix.  While we remain on the sidelines cheering them on, offering support or a safety net. Just so they know they are not alone. 
I had a friend once that was in an abusive relationship. I knew it. She knew that I knew it. I tried thousands of times to get her to leave him. I loved her, I got angry for her and I offered a place to stay. She never left him. All I could do was stand by and watch her struggle. I was powerless to do anything but be her friend. I couldn't help her until she realized she was ready. I couldn't breathe for her.

Sometimes life gives you situations that you will never be able to control. That you will always remain a bystander in and it is one of the hardest roles to become accustomed to. A son or daughter fighting addiction. A relative with a mental illness or a friend in an abusive relationship. Sometimes we will be faced with something that we can't fix. The push to try harder and to never give up motivating us to the point of exhaustion.  To give as much love and guidance as we can. The guilt eats away at our soul and we are left standing there no further ahead. While we watch our loved one struggle, fight or just give up. We can no more walk their path for them, make better decisions for them or get them to want our help, then I could breathing for my husband in the ER. 
Sometimes we can't save the very people we love.  And it is important to know that it is not your fault. That while you did everything in your power to help them. Loved them beyond measure and would have walked across fire for them. You couldn't walk their path. You couldn't live their life for them and while hard to swallow and devastating- you couldn't change the outcome. The stark and honest truth here is- only they could. It was never your place to make the changes they so desperately needed. Nor could you have done any more than you did. They walked the path of their life. You walked along side them. You supported and loved them. You gave them everything they needed.

Sometimes there are happy endings. But sometimes there are not. Sometimes life had different outcomes in mind that we never saw coming. The guilt eats away and the could have beens. The "If only I had tried harder" or "Loved them more". Stop. You know inside of your very soul that you gave all you had and then some. If they are still making bad life decisions all you can do know is love them. Be there to catch them should they fall.

Always know that it is their path to walk and while you can walk beside them, you can never walk for them. For as it is our destiny to walk our own life path, it is also their destiny to walk their own path as well. 

11 Comments
Jola Mott link
1/21/2013 04:28:53 am

This really hit home. Thank you.

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Random Jenn
1/21/2013 06:51:00 am

♥ I wish for you strength for whatever you are facing Jola. ~Jenn

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Shelly
1/21/2013 04:48:46 am

Very well said. Thank you. This is a hard realization for myself & so many. I have been there, am walking alongside some now, & anticipate will encounter more that I will need to walk beside as my path unfolds. I also have a husband whose breathing issues will likely worsen as we get older... I so get the desire to 'breathe for him' so this example hit very close to my heart.

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Random Jenn
1/21/2013 07:05:40 am

Shelly,

It is a hard realization and one that causes people to feel so alone.I too have faced this many times and it never gets easier. I have to remind myself over and over that is not my fault. That I loved and did the best I could as all of you have. And sometimes it just doesn't work.

I feel for you and your husband. The breathing journey we have been on has been a long one and will continue on. I think we will always try to breathe for them, but must remember to breathe for ourselves at the same time.

♥Jenn

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Sharon Merrill
1/21/2013 05:19:50 am

My 49 yr. old baby brother came to live with my husband and me in April, 2011. On December 9, 2012, he took his life in his bedroom. Today has been filled with unbearable grief. I miss him so much and have been blaming myself for not loving him enough to help him survive the mental illness and alcoholism. Your words brought me peace and I will be eternally grateful. Thank you.

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Random Jenn
1/21/2013 07:12:56 am

Dearest Sharon,

I wish I could reach through this comment and hug you. I know exactly where you are right now. My mother took her own life back in October 2011. The devastation and loss is tremendous and I have found that it is one of the events in life that people just don't know what to say and tend to say nothing at all. The loneliness after such a tragedy can be astounding.

Know this Sharon- It is not your fault. You must release the guilt before you let it eat you up inside. You must see that you loved him, provided for him and did everything you could. But the outcome was completely out of your hands. You are not to blame. I know it is so easy to internalize this and the look hard for explanations. But somethings in life defy explanation and you will drive yourself crazy trying to find one.

I know of a few online groups Sharon that have help me tremendously with the death of my mother. If you would like some info on them email me at thoughtsandcoffee@gmail.com. Or if you just would like to talk. Know that you are not alone in this.

Big Hugs from me and I am so sorry about the loss of your brother.
Jenn

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spookmoor link
1/21/2013 06:49:58 am

I thoroughly enjoyed reading this and was moved.

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Random Jenn
1/21/2013 07:14:39 am

Thank you ♥

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Shawna link
1/22/2013 06:40:43 am

Your words took me right back to the sights, sounds, and smells of the hospital 2 years ago when my 6 year old nephew was killed in an farming accident. You have so perfectly captured my feelings of helplessness, a longing to change time and space, and a desperation to make it all better for my sister and brother-in-law, knowing full well that I never could. I, too have been grappling with these feelings for a long time. Grief will do that to a person.

Your words "It was a life lesson that I will never forget. It is one of the hardest things in life we face. Our powerlessness to help someone we love. To grab the reins and step in to make it all better" so ring true for me. I have always been a person of action and when you cannot take action and are forced to "stand on the sidelines", life as we know it very quickly become uncharted and scary. Giving up a sense of control is difficult to do, but as you so beautifully wrote, necessary because ... "You know inside of your very soul that you gave all you had and then some."

I too have been mulling around some of these same thoughts in a draft blog for quite some time, specifically in response to our loss of Chase. I have started and stopped many time because I have yet to feel that I have captured the essence of what my mind and heart truly feel is necessary for others to know. When the time comes I would love to quote you, if you are OK with it?

I thank you for your honest, heartfelt, and powerful words. It was clear to see and feel the emotion that this situation could bring for not only you, but for many others as well.

God Bless!
Shawna

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Lee Horbachewski link
1/22/2013 07:29:03 am

Jenn, this is so exquisitely written. I could feel you breathing, and the pain in knowing you couldn't breathe for your husband. I know this is how my husband feels when I am in the depths of depression. He does everything he can to bring joy into my life, yet sadly he can't.

It has been a difficult journey for us since my hospitalization in a psychiatric ward in 2004. Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) re-occurs three to four times a year, and he is reminded that he can't fix me. I am reminded that I must ask for what I need.

This is a powerful blog post. Thank you for sharing your experience and your wisdom.

Hugs & Love
Lee xoxox

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Kelrae
2/19/2013 09:06:45 am

I am facing this situation right now except she's 3 and watching her walk this path is devastating me. I would give anything if I could "breathe for her". Thank you for writing this.

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