The Dark Side of Love

We can never fully love anyone else, regardless of who they are to us, if we cannot first openly love ourselves. We often convince ourselves otherwise, of course. Parents love their children, right? Yes, but if they do not love themselves as well – they will never be able to love them completely - for their own perceived shortcomings will be reflected back to them in the eyes of their children and regardless of how hard those children try and convince them otherwise, they will never feel enough. Harsh, but true. We will always, though not always consciously, see our perceived failings reflected back to us from the eyes of the ones we love. Even though, in reality, all we are seeing is a reflection of our own feelings about ourselves and not at all what they actually feel or hold to be true. It is incredible burden to put on someone who loves you.

Sometimes, because of the lack of love we should be giving to ourselves, we allow ourselves to settle into relationships that should never have even started or trapped in ones that should have ended long ago. If we try, if we silence the whispers of our souls long enough, we begin to make excuses, justifications when those we have chosen to love behave badly. We accept it as the best we could hope for, we think  it is all we are worthy of.
 
We become blind to the dark side of love.

Just as the darkness of night gives balance to the brightness of day – there is a perfect balance to love. If there is good, then there is bad. Often, we fool ourselves into blindness because we cannot force ourselves to see what’s broken. Seeing it makes it real. Real means we must confront it. We must confront ourselves, challenge our inner enemy and see that maybe we have not loved ourselves right into a situation that we must now find the courage to extract ourselves from. 

The price of love is not your identity. The cost of love is never your soul. 
~J.V. Manning

I have loved and lost. I have loved and changed. I have loved so fully I could no longer tell where I stopped and they began. I have loved so hard it hurt and I’ve feigned a deeper love than I actually felt. I’ve had love used as a weapon against me, a tool for manipulation I was too blind to see. I have felt mad, passionate love and love as comfortable as a favorite blanket. I’ve withheld love and had love withheld from me. I have run from love, hidden my love and refused to see love. I am no stranger to love. I know its many sides – the good and bad – and am no longer naive to its powerful effects on one’s soul, heart, mind and life. Love is all at once; terrifying and mystical, it's one thing in this world that will never be portrayed by words alone for its essence lives in its energy, in its spirit and in its actions.

Love is powerful.

Love of oneself is paramount in this life. It is also one of the hardest, most incredibly important, necessary and critical life lessons we must absorb into the fabric of our souls. 

The only possible unconditional love – is self-love. Unconditionally loving yourself, flaws and all. Loving your body, mind and spirit. Unconditional love is never settling for less than you deserve and knowing that you deserve the sun, moon and stars. You deserve room to grow, dreams to follow and pure happiness.

You deserve it. Yes, you do. Nothing less than pure, no strings attached love. Love that builds you up, protects you and challenges you. Love that doesn’t require anything more than you - as You. Because you are the essence of love, whether you see it yet or not.

Love is in you. It is you. You are worthy. It’s time you embraced that lesson. 

When a person needs to manipulate situations, tell lies and make up stories to get someone to love them - that's not love. When someone uses another as a pawn in their games - that's not love. If one holds someone back because they're afraid of them reaching their dreams - that's not love. When one forces another to prove their love and loyalty to them over and over again and it's never enough - that's not love. When someone holds another responsible for their own self-worth - that's not love. When one exerts complete control over another - that's not love. When someone wants to shut off another from the rest of the world because they're afraid of losing them - that's not love. 

Love doesn’t leave bruises. Love doesn’t make you question everything single thing you thought you knew about yourself. Love doesn’t make you feel worthless and used. Love doesn’t require selling yourself out to please it. Love can't be bought. You should not have to jump through hoops to receive it from someone. You definitely shouldn’t be required to do anything that doesn’t feel right in your soul or that goes against your truths.

Love doesn’t hurt.

Doesn't matter what role a person plays in your life; parent or sibling, friend or lover, family member - the price of being loved by another should never be your entire identity, soul or confidence. You should never have to give up your complete self in order for someone to give their love to you. You should never put all of your needs, desires and wants on the backburner because someone doesn’t think they are worthy or because their needs and wants take precedence to yours always.

It's not right. It's not healthy. It's not love.
It's power. It's control. It's manipulation. It's greed. It's unhealthy.

It's wrong. 

Love is not sacrificing your soul for anyone. It is not giving up everything you want, hope and dream for. Loving another unconditionally is a farce. There should be conditions to love. Always. Love unconditionally with conditions. Meaning - love freely and honestly in honor to yourself and not at the expense of yourself. If someone you love strikes you, demeans and belittles you, keeps you apart from family and friends, manipulates you and controls you, lies to you or hurts you– should you continue to love them unconditionally? No. Hell NO! If someone requires all of you and gives none of themselves in return – it’s time to look at your motivations for staying in the relationship.

So deeply rooted is the fear of letting a loved one down, knowing the moment you stand up for yourself and put your foot down they will probably walk away from you, we often maintain the status quo. We convince ourselves it’s enough. We place the blame on ourselves because it’s easier. We bury the sadness. We allow the emotional vampires to suck all of our self-worth into their soul and leave us malleable and needy. Knowing instinctively that as long as they control you, they will continue to “love” you. But it’s a lie. This isn’t and never was – love.  

The price of love is not your identity. The cost of love is never your soul. 

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