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The Mother of All Epiphanies

5/11/2014

24 Comments

 
When I silenced the demons, my soul spoke and for the first time in my life -
 I understood. 
 I chose my mother for who she was, who she came to be and how she lived.

~ J.V. Manning

There is a belief that our soul chooses which life to be born into.

There are some who hold the belief that our soul figures out, prior to our entry into life, what we need to learn, experience and accomplish. Then, once that is ascertained, we make our decision on which parents and family to be born into based on who we feel will give us the best chance of attaining our goals.

If this is true, it means I chose every single life lesson I have faced to date in order to learn and evolve into a better human being. Which is the ultimate lesson in personal responsibility. It also tells me - my soul is an overachiever. If I am to believe that I chose this life; the family I was born into, the trials I have faced and lessons I have learned, then I must also see it as my responsibility to make sure I put it all to good use. Otherwise, if I do not weave the lessons I have learned into the very fabric of my soul, it will all have been for naught and I will probably have to make up this life later in order to get it right.

But, like I said, my soul apparently is an overachiever and I am determined to get it right this time around. Which means living with eyes, heart, mind and soul wide open. Living open to everything brings opportunities for amazing experiences and also brings a clarity to my vision and feelings with the world and people around me. It also, for today, has me reassessing some life events and relationships, like the one I had with my mom. 
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It is Mother's Day after all.

If you had asked me yesterday what my relationship with my mother had been like, I would have totally sidestepped the question. It is hard to say, let alone for another to hear, that your mom didn't love you. That because of a mental disease, she was incapable of being a "traditional mom" to her two daughters. Today. Well, today I would have another answer. Because today I shifted my perspective and thought about why I would have chosen to be born to her. I asked myself - what had my mom taught me? What had she given me? Why did I choose her?

When I silenced the demons, my soul spoke and for the first time in my life -I understood. 

I chose my mother for who she was, who she came to be and how she lived.

From my mother I learned; warmth from her coldness, love from her aloofness, honesty from her lies, trust from her mistrust and I learned the value of life from her ending her own. Throughout my entire journey with my mother, when it was I taking care of her, she had been teaching me all along. I just never saw it. I learned to see reality and confront things head on from her hiding out and never dealing. I learned that in the face of trouble I had depths I never knew existed in order to handle it, from her always running away. I learned to take personal responsibility, from her always blaming others. I learned to have compassion for those who hurt me, from her constant reminding of how awful a daughter I was. I learned to work hard and be dependent on myself, from her dependence on me.

I learned to be whole, from her brokenness. 

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I have always thought that I grew into the woman I am today in spite of my mother. But, this couldn't be further from the truth. I grew into the woman I am today - because of her. I learned to fight. I learned to love. I learned strength and perseverance. I learned to nurture. I learned to take care of myself. I learned responsibility. But, the big thing I learned - is to love myself. For had she loved herself enough to fight harder, to get the help she needed, to take personal responsibility - she would still be here today.

We are all responsible for ourselves. While having a mother who loved, nurtured and encouraged me would have been awesome - not having one taught me, too. Maybe this is why I chose her. She had the lessons I needed and my soul recognized that.

I am who I am because of my mother and on this Mother's Day I send a whispered prayer of thanks to the heaven in hopes that she can hear. A thank you for the lessons she taught me, a thank you for the innate strength I discovered within and a thank you for teaching me how very precious life is.

Happy Mother's Day.

24 Comments
Liping link
5/11/2014 06:07:49 pm

So touching, and so well written! Thank you for bringing such a beautiful message from your soul. You can be 100% certain that your mom has heard you and is sending you abundant love for healing and growth. A mother's love comes from heaven, and will find its way to you, one way or another. Love & hugs to you both <3, L.

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Random Jenn
5/12/2014 02:39:19 am

Thank you Liping ♥

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brenda
5/11/2014 07:10:22 pm

Thank you for the insight. Mother's Day has always been hard for me, this is a help. Thank you for sharing.

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Random Jenn
5/12/2014 02:40:33 am

Brenda, I hope that a shift in perspective brings you clarity, peace and the ability to go forward freer.

Lotsa love xoxo ~Jenn

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Fay
5/11/2014 09:02:19 pm

Thank you very much for sharing this. I often wondered why I have the mother that I do, and what you've said has given me so much to be grateful for, when I think about my mother.
Thanks Jenn.

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Random Jenn
5/12/2014 02:43:08 am

Fay, I hope you felt the same release I did when I shifted the way I was thinking about mine. I am so touched that this piece resonated strongly with you. Thank you ♥

xoxo ~Jenn

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Gerardo Vergara
5/12/2014 12:03:51 am

I am, I think, a kindred spirit who thinks that this life I am living now is a reincarnation because my soul from a previous existence wanted to learn something that would make me a better human being, or creation - and learning constantly that the parents I chose were the ones who will lead me to that path of spiritual enlightenment that I am patiently proceeding on.
Thanks for the insightful message.

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Random Jenn
5/12/2014 02:44:57 am

Thank you for such a brilliant and inspiring comment. My gut tells me you are doing an amazing job learning the lessons and seeing the signs.

♥ xoxo ~Jenn

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pat Grant
5/12/2014 01:33:58 am

This is very touching.

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Random Jenn
5/12/2014 02:45:38 am

Thank you Pat. ♥

xoxo ~Jenn

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cassie
5/12/2014 07:01:05 am

Beautifully written. I have often wondered the same regarding my mother. I learned to love in spite of all faults and fight against all odds from her cruelty. Thank you for this piece.

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Random Jenn
5/18/2014 05:14:24 am

It is always amazing the things one can figure out with a change in perspective. So easy it is to get so burden by all the bad. For me this was life changing. I hope the same for you.

Lotsa love,
Jenn

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adrienne magee
5/12/2014 10:46:28 am

Thank you for this powerful message. I just lost my mom and this is a difficult time for me. Although our relationship was so difficult my whole life with my mother I choose to love her rather than hate as difficult as that was but I held so much sadness thinking how much I wished she had been different and loved me. How powerfully healing it is to consider and believe this message today in terms of my life experiences with mom resulting in who I am today. My whispered prayers to heaven will now be thank you mom for who I am and not a sorrowful I miss you mom.
Peace Adrienne

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Random Jenn
5/18/2014 05:18:36 am

What a powerful insight and comment. Thank you Adrienne. I am sorry for the loss of your mother. Especially hard when one has so many conflicting emotions. I know you will find peace on your journey through this. Trust in that.

Sending you strength and love,
Jenn

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Margie Bock
5/12/2014 10:59:55 am

I once wrote a letter to myself from my mother "as if she were mentally healthy" and what she would say to me. It was remarkable; she said wonderful things to me. It taught me that her illness came between us. But what you taught me was that her illness taught me to be the opposite. Where she was incapable of loving her daughter and showering affection upon her, I can openly love and adore mine. Where I can break the cyle of illness, she couldn't. Wonderful article.

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Random Jenn
5/18/2014 05:21:49 am

Your comment made my heart smile. Thank you.

It took me a long time to realize my mother's illness. I was so young. It wasn't until after she was gone I understood. For so many years I shouldered the blame for all that was wrong. Letting that go was one of the hardest and most freeing things I have ever accomplished. I love the idea of writing your letter. That is a brilliant idea and one I will surely recommend to others in the future. Thank you.

xoxo
~Jenn

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Jenna Kerlin
5/14/2014 12:37:07 am

Amazing! You found the positive in the negative..you learned from your pain. .While my biological mother abandoned me when I was two my step mom was there..She also suffers from a serious mental illness and she is not herself when she gets "sick" again from not taking her meds... How beautiful it is to see a person learn from what life hands them. GOD BLESS!

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Random Jenn
5/18/2014 05:25:09 am

One of the things I learned very early in life, was to learn from everything. To fully experience and appreciate not only the wonderful moments but the horrible, too. Thank you for your message on this piece.

Life is about learning and while the good has taught me much, all of the bad has made me who I am today. I am thankful.

Sending you loads of strength for those trying times with your stepmom.

Lotsa love,
Jenn

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Dee
5/10/2015 11:42:05 am

thank you very much....that helps to me make sense of my feelings. most positive take on it I've read.

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Random Jenn
5/10/2015 12:01:26 pm

Dee,

Thank you.

xoxo
~Jenn

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Teresa
5/10/2015 11:53:14 am

Darling Jenn...
Thankyou for being that beautiful brave caffeine & love fuelled woman I'm proud & BLESSED to call friend xx Happy Mamma's day beautiful xx
All my love
T xx

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Random Jenn
5/10/2015 12:02:51 pm

Oh sweet Lady!! Right back atcha, as the feeling is mutual.

Thank you for being exactly as you are. So much love.

~J xoxo

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Steve Crownover
5/10/2015 01:32:06 pm

Jenn, your Mother is proud of you but just couldn't show or prove it. The words you had wished to hear are in your heart and you did receive them from her. You are a Beautiful Girl, Happy Mother's Day.
Love & HUGGs
Steve

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Flor
5/10/2015 01:40:46 pm

Wonderful and touching words that come to me just in time, as i am in the journey of discovering the light hidden in the shadows of the pain of a tormented mother. My pain is gone now, and the lessons learnt gave me more freedom than I could ever imagine. My heart is filled with gratitude!

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