Unconditionally..With Conditions

1/11/2012

           You really can't love unconditionally. People can burn and beat love out of you.
             They really can kill it, and it's not your fault you don't feel it any more, and
              how liberating it is to finally realize that. Love isn't for better or worse,
                               through thick or thin. It damn well shouldn't be..
                                                                        Dr. Kay Scarpetta, Red Mist. By:Patricia Cornwell

Everyone is always searching for that elusive unconditional love. The older I get the more I realise that it is a myth. The premise that unconditional love is impossible, will have some people shaking their heads at me, I know. But if you stop and think about it, how can you love another person without conditions. Why would you really even want to? It is the ultimate sacrifice of you. To give someone that much control really is to say, go ahead hurt me, lie to me, abuse me, use me and I will still love you. Ummm, no. Well not in my world anyway. I love my husband with every ounce of my being. I love his good points, his strength, his integrity, his dedication and I love his flaws...the ever procastinating, the channel flipping, the hours he works. I love all of him. I don't try to change him, mold him or want him to be anything other than who and what he is. I love him unconditionally..with conditions. I love the man he is and the man he wants to be. Unless that man one day decides to hurt me, then its game over. People never walk into a relationship and settle down expecting the worse to happen, ok well most of us don't.. but as the adage goes, Shit Happens. If one day he were to morph into Captain Asshole, then those conditions would come into play.

Love should mean, love me for me, flaws and all. Don't try to change me into someone else, trust in me, challenge me, allow me to grow. Love my independence and my spontaniety. It should mean that you can count on me to always be faithful, always love you for who you are, to always challenge you and be excited to watch you grow. I will unconditionally love you for you, unless that you changes for the worse and then well, there are conditions. Man or woman doesn't matter, we all should enter into relationships with established conditions, and love unconditionally only as long as those conditions are being met. Why would you sacrifice yourself, allow your self to be abused, because you unconditionally love your partner, husband, wife, lover? There is no honor in selling yourself short.

For better or worse, through thick and through thin, in this day in age are being taken totally to literal. Granted every relationship has its ups and downs in the normal course of life and that is fine, you weather those and become a stronger couple. Life happens and stress occurs. But if these stresses, lead to your wife cheating on you, or your boyfriend taking all his aggrevations out on you, physically or mentally, then why would you continue on with this person? You can't love without conditions in a marriage or relationship because to do so is like selling your soul.

I asked on my facebook page last week, what people thought about unconditional love. Their answers surprised me not going to lie. They for the most part said it doesn't exist. Unless it was the love of a parent to a child, and even then that doesn't happen all the time. But that is a whole 'nother blog. I think though that I loved one woman's response the best, she said the only unconditional love that existed, was the love of a dog. I think she may be on to something there. I do have to say that there is one form on unconditional love that I do believe in, and that is to love yourself. You may beat yourself up, get angry at yourself over mistakes, but you have to always love yourself. That isn't the easiest thing to do, I know, believe me I know.

Always love unconditionally...with conditions. For the simple reason, you are worth the sun, the moon and the stars...and no one should ever have the power to hurt you.

7 Comments

Bernadette Rose Smith link

1/11/2012 10:32:07 am

For me, loving "YOU" unconditionally requires that I love myself unconditionally ... and that may look different than what others may think ... it may mean loving "YOU" from a distance while I love me ... up close and personal.

I think when we don't love ourselves without conditions we find ourselves in interesting classrooms working it all out. Been there done that. Great post!

Conscience Love

1/11/2012 01:45:21 pm

I answered in ur previous post regarding this and I said no tht I did not believe in unconditional love, and then I said well I love my children unconditionally...at least I think I do...im thankful for this blog, I completely agree with u...unconditional love with conditions...if you love yourself unconditionally then you wouldn't allow someone you love to hurt you, as in abuse you, cheat, etc...so yes loving yourself unconditionally is the key! I think with children it is different, but I believe the difference is this: children can also burn you, and beat the love out of you, but as for me...i will always love mine unconditionally, but if they change and begin to abuse me, my love, my trust whether mentally, physically, or emotionally, then I will have to unconditionally love them from a distance...i will not allow them to live with me and abuse me in any sense of the word...not ever...and if some people think that is love with conditions and thats wrong, then so be it...thats reality! I have a 19, 15, n a12 yr old...my 19 yr old has been a true experience...if I haven't learned what to take n what not to take, and how and when to love up close and from a distance from our relationship...then I don't believe it can be learned! Lol! So, in conclusion...i think that you are right! I appreciate the insight! :)

Kathi Lewis

1/26/2012 01:43:02 pm

I have just recently ran across your facebook page. ( I love it by the way) and in doing so, I saw where you had posted some blogs. I will say that your writing is very natural in that it seems to flow out of you. My mom was a writer. It has to come naturally to some folks.
Anyway, I have read this blog. I am not going to say I disagree as our lives have molded us to who we are today and that is where our underlying beliefs stem. For me, personally, it was quite the journey. From one sadistic ex, to the next couch potato no feeling ex. I knew that love was never in my future, nor did it exist. Until I met Dave.
At the ripe old age of 43, I had determined that since my children were grown, I asked for a divorce and decided that I would be single for the rest of my life. My choice, although lonely as hell at times. I lived in a two apartment building, mine being the downstairs one. I had many friends both male and female. One day the guy upstairs (Dave) asked me if I wanted to go out. Plain and simple, I told him no. I also told him I would be his best friend in the whole wide world. But, not a girlfriend, not a friend with benefits, not a relationship......nothing but a good true friend. Well, he persisted. That it wasn't a date. That we needed to both get out of Dodge, so to speak. Just eat, that's it. Three weeks later I said "fine". We made a ......date. That evening we had a blizzard, he came in and I told him that it was an omen. That it wasn't meant to be and to go on upstairs. BUT....he said we still had to eat and why not grab some pizzas and maybe a movie or two from the video store. Seeing how my son (17 at the time) was staying with me with his girlfriend there, I said ok. What's the worst that could happen???? That was Friday, February 9, 2004. We talked, we laughed, we shared for 72 straight hours...I kid you not. And most of all I witnessed something I had not seen in all my years as a mom. This man sat and talked, really talked and had interest in my son. Not even their own father could claim that. I sat on a stool with my coffee in hand, and watched and just......smiled. On Sunday, February 11, 2004 (yes, a total of 3 days) I became engaged to this man. Was I scared??? You bet your sweet bottom I was! And for the first time I felt an emotion I had never ever felt. I learned very quickly that it was love. Something he nor I had ever truly felt. I fell hard. The whole package, beautiful step kids and all. I know you have unconditional love for your children. I know I do. No matter what my son has gone through and put my heart through in the last few years....I love him and this will always be home. And he has blessed me with two beautiful (although quite rambunctious) grandsons. But my husband, Dave. This is where I may disagree with you. There is love unconditional. Don't ask me how....cause it's hard to explain. I know I can trust this man with my life. And for the first time, I have met someone that I would do the same. My thoughts in everything I do are thoughts of how these things will better our lives. I truly am amazed sometimes (and he says this all the time) to realize that we are even deeper in love than when we first figured it out. LOL.We are now almost 8 years together. And this past August was 7 years married. We have been through hell and back. I have lost both parents, my beautiful 16 year old step son (to a car accident), his grandmother, a best friend, and most recently one of my younger sisters (48) all in the space of 4 years. Hard does not begin to explain. We have become each other's rock. He knew how much I loved his son and gave me time to grieve as if I were his bio mom. He understood. These are things that try the best of marriages.....only ours became stronger. I sit here, also, at my kitchen table, and I listen to him in the office with his headphones on, singing so out of tune to old metal that it is quite amusing. And I laugh at him. As he laughs at himself. We have a connection. I had never thought of conditions that would be placed on a true deep love. I'm not saying that in a bad way. I just never thought of it. We have no jealousy, we have more than a deep trust. Sort of spiritual I guess. We just know that we will be together. And that is a comfort. I have never had to imagine what life would be like without, or what if this or that. Never crossed my mind. Probably won't. I have every reason not to trust a man from my past experiences. And believe me, I spent time in the first three months of our relationship waiting for that proverbial other shoe to drop. It didn't. I would pick fights with him to see what he would do. He would laugh at me. I would have my off days and others would just leave me alone. Not this one. He haunted me until I had to tell him what was on my mind, and then we would laugh about it.
I don't know. Like I said. I love how you write, I really do. And I am going to go and read the rest of your blogs. As you know, living in Maine there i

Random Thoughts

1/27/2012 09:41:14 am

All of your comments are so amazing!! I am so proud that such wonderful people take the time to not only read what I write, but to comment so thoughtfully as well.

What a story Kathi!! And so close to my own. I swore I would never get married, never have kids. Then I met my husband. We got together in 04 as well, married in 05 and have been together ever since. He has a son, my stepson. I adore him, we are so close. I may not have given birth to him, but he feels like my own.

Thank you for sharing your story and your compliments about my writing, it is very much appreciated :) I am so glad you found me..

g link

7/18/2012 10:12:36 pm

wow........this is so guuuddd.........

Mystic Sea Angel (Beth) link

2/7/2012 03:51:42 am

I think unconditional love is just as you say....loving someone for who they are without trying to change them...flaws and all. Sometimes sacrificing your own time or desires, to do things that please your spouse or partner. It is a give and take. But, you are right....you should never sacrifice your standards for the sake of "love". If my husband turned around and became Captain Asshole, you are right....I would stand up for myself, and not just stay in an abusive situation because I love him...I love me! But, under "normal" circumstances in our marriage, I do try to give him the most unconditional love that I can. (Although I'm sure I don't do a perfect job.) I do try though, and he does the same for me. Give and take, a healthy balance. xoxo Thank you for writing this today. Very thought provoking...especially as I think about some friends who are going through some tough stuff in their marriages right now. You write beautifully, and express your thoughts clearly! <3

Viga link

7/18/2012 07:30:42 am

Excellent post. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Must say, I agree.

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Unconditionally..With Conditions

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